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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband finally admitted the other woman please help

25 replies

Becky2190 · 06/08/2019 21:24

I am absloutley deverstated and cant atop crying I feel numb we was togther 12 years and have 2 children hes finally admitted it I dont no how to cope!

OP posts:

CallmeAngelina · 06/08/2019 21:28

Oh, you poor, poor love!

PicsInRed · 06/08/2019 21:33

Make an urgent same day appointment with the doctor, they will prescribe you something to help you eat and sleep. Then after a couple of days rest you will be better able to think about what you want to do.

Google Chump Lady and also book in for a meeting with a good solicitor to get an idea of your entitlements. It helps to get an idea of what an alternative life could look like.

Dont fall into the trap of thinking your husband is the prize. He's an amoral fool with zero self control. You are the high quality prize who he foolishly squandered. You can do better and there IS a better future ahead.

Morning = doctor. Go.

Dowser · 06/08/2019 22:33

He was ten months in ( at least) before he admitted the other woman to me
I was a victim of the I love you but I’m not in love with you spiel

We were married for thirty odd years.

All you can do is cry it out. The grief, bewilderment and resentment
There’s no need for doctors pills...it’s a very natural reaction...you’re best letting it out...not stuffing it up.

Time to get ducks in a row...while he’s feeling guilty.

There’s no going back from this. Trust has been broken
I know some do make a go of it...but often wonder if they make the right decision when he goes for night out / works dos / lads weekends etc

If you want a life like that...then that’s your choice
Me I wanted different

I now have a lovely life with someone who loves and respects me...and doesn’t even go for nights out..and if he did there wouldn’t be a problem.

WifOfBif · 06/08/2019 22:55

I’m so sorry you’re hurting x do you have anyone you could call on in real life to be with you tonight?

I promise you will be ok in time, although you can’t see it now. Be kind to yourself

Original poster

Becky2190 · 06/08/2019 23:04

I need this support so much I have amazing friends but all happily married and dont no what I'm going through this has helped /helping so much inwill tale any advice given xx

OP posts:

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/08/2019 23:05

Oh, you poor darling. I'm so sorry. There will be others here who will give you useful advice and practical guidance, but I just want you to know how sorry I am that you're going through this.

You must be distraught. Is there anyone you can ring? Would family be supportive? This is a situation where most people would think it was justified to ask for help, even late in the evening. If you were my friend or relative and you rang I'd be over ASAP.

Is he leaving? What are his plans?

Mythreefavouritethings · 06/08/2019 23:08

Where is he, Becky? I hope you have some space while you are trying to come to terms with this and he isn’t pestering you. It’s such an emotive subject but I would say listen to some of the brilliant advice on here in terms of both emotional and practical support. I think you are about to be deluged with supportive words and plans x

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/08/2019 23:10

If your friends are all married that means they're more likely to be able to come over and give you a shoulder. When a friend who was a single parent was really ill with flu and couldn't care for her toddler I was able to go and help because my DH could look after our DC. Not the same situation, but you get my point

KellyHall · 06/08/2019 23:12

Remind yourself: you will be ok. Make it your mantra, the more you believe it, the more true it becomes.

I made a promise to myself when my ex husband left that I wanted to be able to look back and be proud of how I handled it. As a mum, it's also really important to set a good example for your children. No matter what he says or does, take the high ground and remember: you WILL be ok.

kerkyra · 06/08/2019 23:13

I'm so sorry op. Be strong and brave,you wont feel like it but you're going to be ok,I promise. Not yet but you will be. Sending hugs x

PicsInRed · 06/08/2019 23:21

It took me 3 months to just feel normal again, not happy (though I promise that does come back eventually), just normal. It's perfectly normal to feel like you will never feel normal again. You will, but it takes time. That punched feeling and that cold sick feeling of horror will happen less and less, also, until they stop. You'll stop crying yourself to sleep and then waking up in the morning, remembering and bursting back into tears. Bit by bit, you'll recover. Just remember that you've suffered what is actually also a physical injury, you are probably physically in shock, and your body needs time to recover from this. But you will. We've all been there, all felt the repeated gut punches and sobbed our hearts out. We made it through and you will too. You're surrounded by MNers who've been there and understand the shock, horror, fear and pain exactly.

Hidingtonothing · 06/08/2019 23:29

Sending a massive hug, am so sorry this is happening. One piece of advice, keep your dignity. Whatever the eventual outcome you will regret it if you don't. It's a hard mental shift to make but you can no longer trust that he's on your side and you must act accordingly and protect yourself, both emotionally and practically/financially.

And tell your friends, even the most perfect-looking marriages have problems and they may well understand far more than you expect. I would want my friends to lean to me regardless of my own situation anyway

Original poster

Becky2190 · 07/08/2019 00:04

Weve been split 4 weeks and hea in a one bedroom flat not very nice but so were lods can see him. He just admitted today after weeks if lies ! Just in total shock

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 07/08/2019 01:38

You must be, the lying just makes everything worse doesn't it. It's horrible I know but this is the worst bit, once you've processed it a bit you can start to find your anger and that will make the next stages easier. But for now you need to take really good care of yourself, pull in whatever support you can and just get through the next few days. It's really raw at the moment but you won't always feel like this

ClareIsland · 07/08/2019 01:46

Why did you split up? Did he leave? Did you suspect before he left but couldn’t prove it?

Is he still in a relationship with her - do you know how long it has been going on?

VenusTiger · 07/08/2019 02:02

Sorry to hear this OP 💐 hope you can move past this. Do you have family and friends who can give you some support?

Please ignore the urgent doctors post - we need to stop over medicating ourselves - you’ll need to go through a series of emotions naturally, as will be required in order to start to feel better. It’s all normal feelings. Sending you hugs.

Original poster

Becky2190 · 07/08/2019 08:36

He said only 3 weeks and we splitg up 4 weeks ago he is a compulsive liar and I am angry at myself for being upset over a such a scumbag !!

OP posts:

Original poster

Becky2190 · 07/08/2019 22:02

Is it normal to be so upset and angry at the same time x

OP posts:

daisyboocantoo · 07/08/2019 22:30

I think it's very normal!

Jayaywhynot · 07/08/2019 22:35

Of course it's normal to be upset and angry, you've lost your husband, life partner & best friend. You need to give yourself time to heal. Get mad, scream, break something, cry, its all normal. Believe it or not it will get easier and one day you'll feel relief that you're out of it, away from a lying arsehole. Learn to love yourself, be kind to yourself, dont dwell on what ifs. The person who we think loves us most is the one that can hurt us the most. Baby steps, one day at a time, you got this girl

NeedtoRecover · 07/08/2019 23:10

What you’re feeling is totally normal and totally valid.
For the moment just concentrate on breathing, trying to eat something and getting through the day.
There is no need to make any rash decisions. For now just deal with the shock. You are in for a total rollercoaster I’m afraid and it feels like you can’t get off. But eventually it does slow down and even stop. It will get better I promise.

Mermaidsinthesand · 08/08/2019 13:18

He has done you a favour in the long run, take him to the cleaners move on with your life.

He isnt worth a second thought let the OW have his shit now

likeridingabike · 08/08/2019 18:31

Mermaidsinthesand If you mean make sure you get a fair share of the marital assets then I agree.

Mermaidsinthesand · 09/08/2019 08:20

ilikeridingabike yes, but ensure OP and her children live comfortably without him. OP H might not bother with children after divorce it happens alot

Rainandspirit · 09/08/2019 08:32

As lots have said it is perfectly normal to feel this way. And you will for a while yet. I cried for a full week and I still cry now . Not ever day but a bit and I am 10 weeks after finding out. I wish to god I could get off the rollercoaster of emotions that we are on but have excepted that it will take time.

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