Not being a bridesmaid for a bridesmaid

[Auey]

I wasn’t sure where to post this but I’m after some advice.

I’m getting married next year and step sister is getting married the year after.
Im having a small wedding so decided in my head that I would have my two best friends and my two step sisters as bridesmaids, hadn’t announced anything yet.

Now my step sister has announced her bridesmaids for her wedding and I’m not one, her blood sister is but not me (she has 3 bridesmaids in total) . We are all pretty close so having them seemed obvious to me but I don’t have blood siblings of my own so I know it’s different.

It’s not the sort of thing I particularly am bothered about and am not the sort of person to be hurt or offended by not being a bridesmaid at anyone’s wedding.

However I do now feel awkward about asking my step sisters to be mine now.

1. as I feel it may make her awkward as she probably hadn’t even thought of it. I will admit I am closer to my other step sister but we are all close and obviously in my position I couldn’t have one without the other as that would look mean.

2. I am worried about how it would be perceived by family with me having her as a bridesmaid next year but me not being hers 7 months after.

What would you do in that situation? Would you still ask them both to be bridesmaid or not ask either of them? As I wouldn’t have one and not the other.

I think I probably am over thinking this and maybe she won’t care... it just feels like it will be abit awkward for us both if I ask them but maybe it would be fine.

Would you still want to be invited to be bridesmaid by someone who wasn’t yours at a similar sized wedding?

I wouldn't ask either step-sister. Just have your best friends. That's more than enough bridesmaids for a small wedding anyway.

Will the rest of her bridesmaids be married? They are traditionally single and you won't be.

I would also just have my friends, only because your step-sister has no reason to announce her bridesmaids 2 years before her wedding so it sounds like she wanted to be clear that you won't be a bridesmaid.

Why did you decide to have both your friends and your step-sisters as bridesmaids in the first place? I think that would be key for me.

I had 5 bridesmaids. I was bridesmaid for 2 of them. It didn’t even cross my mind what I would be doing at their weddings when I asked them.

4 bridesmaids seems a lot for a small wedding? I’d prob just invite your best friends.

I was the first to marry amongst my friends. Neither of my bridesmaids had me as theirs, and one of my friends asked me to be hers after not being mine. It's not really a reciprocal thing. Each bride's choice should be independent of who she has bridesmaided for.

I think you should continue with your original plan.

Thanks everyone... you are all echoing my feelings on it... I would like to have them both but feel that it would now be quite awkward to ask, as I’m sure in my step sisters shoes I would then feel awkward and obliged to shoe horn me in to her wedding party which I wouldn’t want.

@fedupntired the other bridesmaids are all In short term relationships so nowhere near marriage, I hadn’t even heard of that tradition so you have taught me something.

@MacavityTheDentistsCat I honestly am not sure... I guess since My early teens In my head that was my bridesmaids I haven’t really put much thought into it since. Other than deciding I didn’t need to include my 5 cousins in that too and those 4 were plenty.

The matron of honour is a married friend but the brides"maids" are usually single.

As you are close to her, why not talk to her about it and see what she thinks? I think this could be sorted out by having a good chat about it.

Bridesmaids it’s irrelevant whether your bridesmaids are single or married, they just need to matter to you.

I wouldn't personally decide not to have your step-sisters on the basis that one of them has not reciprocated. The other one may well be delighted and honoured to be asked (and, as you say, you are closer to her).

I had two bridesmaids for my wedding in 2011, my best friend and my husband-to-be’s sister. They both got married a year or so after my wedding, and neither asked me to be one of their bridesmaids. It kinda stung a bit initially, but then I gave my head a wobble and told myself that it’s entirely up to them who they wanted to be their bridesmaid/s and I didn’t ask them in order to expect the offer to be reciprocated. I did however do a reading at my sister-in-law’s wedding.

Long story short, ask whoever you want to be your bridesmaids, but don’t be offended if you’re not asked to be theirs.

Maybe she thinks you aren't having her as your wedding is closer and you haven't mentioned it?

You are perfectly within your rights to ask the step sister that you are closest to and not ask the other one. It’s your wedding and you get to ask who you want. If it was me, I’d ask the two friends and the other step sister. The step sisters aren’t joined at the hip and don’t come as a team. They are allowed to be asked separately! Now she hasn’t asked you, it gives you a free pass to not ask her and nobody will be offended.

why would it matter? People don’t usually ask the women they were bridesmaids for to be their bridesmaids as they are now married, and bridesmaids are usually single. Even so, I don’t think anyone is keeping score (other than you). If you want them to be your bridesmaids ask them, don’t overthink it!

I think being bridesmaids isn't reciprocal or expected to be, so dont worry that people would be commenting or thinking "poor OP, rejected by her dss" etc. No one would think twice or most likely even notice becauce everyone has different sized weddings, wedding parties and families, amount of siblings, etc.

However in your situation I would consider just having your friends as four bridesmaids is a lot. Saying you are having a small wedding so "only" having 4 bridesmaids doesn't make sense.

I don't think it is reciprocal at all.

I also think 4 adult bridesmaids is quite a lot.

I don't know how close you are to your step sisters, but, if you have two really close friends, then that is probably enough, but, if you also feel close to your 2 dss's, then ask them. But do it because you want to. What your dss does is nothing to do with your wedding.

Thanks for responses everyone 😊 I’m not sure I could ask one without the other, I know we are all adults but in my head I do genuinely think of them on par with each other despite being closer to my other step sister. Same as I’m having all DC’s in the wedding despite DS1 really getting on my nerves currently 😂.

It wasn’t that I felt being a bridesmaid should be reciprocated as such for myself, I’m genuinely not concerned about actually being a bridesmaid or not for anyone.

It was more to do with the fact that that knowing her personality I think me asking her would make her then feel uncomfortable as she didn’t ask me.

So I just wanted to gage what others would do and how they would feel if they were asked to be bridesmaid for someone that they hadn’t asked, with it all bring so close together.

If none of it fell so close together it wouldn’t occur to me to worry about who is bridesmaid for who, it isn’t point scoring, just trying to not create an awkward moment out of who is in a dress in the colour scheme and who is picking their own outfit on the day 🤷🏼‍♀️😂. I just want a nice day without making anyone uncomfortable or having annoying family members winding up step sister about how horrible she is for not choosing me.... we have plenty of annoying uncle types who are likely to say something as a ‘joke’ at some point.

@jpclarke I’m not sure that is why, we have both been pretty quick with the planning as she got engaged end of May and I got engaged a couple of weeks after, I did book mine before hers as initially she wanted a long engagement of 4/5 years whereas I said I wanted to do it next year.
But mine has only been booked a month ish and hers a week or so. So I wouldn’t think it’s been long enough for her to think I’ve missed her off as such but if my engagement had been longer then probably that would be the case.

I think it’s just in my mind they have been my sisters whereas obviously it’s different for them as it’s a sister and step sister so it wouldn't occur to either of them in the same way as it does me I wouldn’t have thought.
I don’t have hard feelings about that but just felt like asking her to be bridesmaid would then highlight that difference to her and she would then feel guilty and try and either apologise or fit me in. Neither of those things so I feel a warranted or necessary at all so wouldn’t want her to feel out on the spot about it.

I know I'm a really cynical bitch when it comes to weddings and all that, but WTF would you need bridesmaids. Weren't they originally intended oh god I have to look this up

OK so basically according to Wikipedia 😁 the amount of bridesmaids you have is to show off how wealthy you are.

No idea why anyone would do that today.

Solution : don't have any! I didn't, and marriage was still legally valid!

@furiousvexation
😂😂 bridesmaids are a tradition I do like 🙈... although if to show off wealth I should probably be having about -5 bridesmaids currently 😂

I did want 9 bridesmaids years ago ( when no one actually wanted to marry me 😬🤨)and then cut down to 4... now possibly 2 so I’m hoping that I’m atleast less of knob than my previous self atleast 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

When did having loads of bridesmaids become a thing? Back in the 70s and 80s and even 90s I never went to a wedding that had more than one or maybe two bridesmaids and maybe a page boy (although they seemed to have died out completely). Can't tell you the last time I saw a page boy at a wedding. But the vast majority of weddings I've been to in the last ten years or so have had a gaggle of bridesmaids minimum 3, usually 4, sometimes 5). With a flower girl on top. I've only known two weddings where there were 2 best men.

As a PP said, 4 bridesmaids does not sound small wedding to me.

It's you wedding and you can have whoever you want and the number of bridesmaids you want.

I've been to small weddings with 5-6 bridesmaids and larger weddings with two. There are no set 'rules' anymore and bridesmaids can be young, old, single or married. Times have changed.

In regards to your step sisters go with your gut and what you want for your wedding.

Setting aside the step sister element, I think you would have a more pleasant run up and day of your wedding with fewer bridesmaids. You hear about it so often. The extra voices tend to cause issues not solutions. Stick to your 2 friends. Your sisters won’t mind.