This might be a long one so apologies in advance.
Back in May I found my husband had signed up to dating websites, he hadn't met with anyone but was talking to women, I was upset but believed he hadn't done anything and he deleted all the accounts. I'll just add in here that I'm pregnant with our 4th baby. I then found out he'd continued to talk to one woman so I messaged her myself telling her about our situation, she was apologetic and said her husband had done exactly the same to her and she wouldn't pursue anything. She told me he had asked to meet her and what did I want her to do ie she says yes and I go in her place and I said I didn't know how I felt. I didn't hear from her again. He kicked me and our children out the house a few days later and met with her the day after. I stayed at my mums for a few weeks, all the time he was texting me abuse that everything was my fault. At the end of June I went back to our house, he kicked off, got violent so I called the police, he had been violent all throughout the 19 years we had been together, not all the time but the occasional black eye, cut eye etc, but the emotional abuse was unbearable. anyway once he had been charged and released he had bail conditions not to contact or come near me until after his court date at the end of July. He went straight to her house to continue their relationship, he didn't contact me for a couple of weeks then he put the pressure on me to drop the charges, he wanted to come home, loved me etc. I also found out he'd been away for the weekend with this other woman and met up with our middle daughter who's 14 in secret and introduced them. Anyway the pressure got to me and I agreed to see him, it happened to be the same day I was seeing the police to talk about dropping the charges, he came round, we had a lovely day with our youngest, she's 2, he left while the police came and I retracted my statement, when he came back we had dinner, bathed youngest, older 2 were away for the week. He stayed over and left for work the next day with the promise that he was coming home and we was trying again, it was over with the other woman. My older 2 came home the next day and I told them and the middle one who is very much on his side said she don't believe me so phoned him, he didn't know she was with me and phone was on loud speaker, he went mad and told her I was lying and that he wasn't coming home. I was shattered all over again. I then realised he'd only done it to get away with things in court, I felt like such an idiot. The next day I told the police everything and retracted my retraction, he went to court last week and was sentenced to a years probation, fine and 4 month restraining order. he hasn't contacted me but he hasn't blocked me either. The thing is I'm so completely broken by it all, I can barely function throughout the day, I just sit and cry, ALL DAY, I only eat because I'm pregnant, I can't sleep properly even though I'm constantly exhausted, I'm not being the best mum to my 2 year old, Ive got no money, he's refused to pay for the children, he still has contact with the older 2, and still blames me for everything, doesn't think he's done a single thing wrong. I truly believe he is a narcissist, its as if he read a book on how to be a narcissist and followed it step by step. The restraining order is due to end the week before the baby is due and I know the torment is going to start all over again and I don't want that when I'm going to be in a vulnerable position, my head has to be better by the time I have the baby. He would send me pictures of him and her telling me how happy he is with her and how she's so much better than I ever was. Im now facing giving birth on my own which is fine but after I'm just going to be left on my own with a baby with no one (I have no friends or family) he's all Ive got even though I know he's no good but I don't think I can cope with what he's going to be like, Ive got the options of him or no one. Part of me still hopes he's going to come back to me, even though I know its not going to happen, he's blissfully happy with this woman and her kids, part of me never wants to see him again. I haven't even got enough money to cover bills let alone buy anything for the baby. I really miss him and I'm so hurt by what he's done, I just can't see things ever being any better and the thought of feeling like this forever is unbearable. Thankyou to anyone that got this far.