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Relationships

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Original poster

To tell or not to tell

27 replies

twentyseven27 · 06/08/2019 16:12

Would a man want to know if he got his girlfriend pregnant if it was completely unplanned and VERY early in the relationship or would he prefer she "sorted it out" without informing him?

Just wondering about this. Like I said, only been exclusive for a couple of weeks and no contraception was used stupidly. Just having a bit of a dilemma here.

OP posts:

NewMe2019 · 06/08/2019 16:17

Depends if it's a fling. DP and I are very open with each other but I was concerned about some symptoms and took a test, negative, and just mentioned it another time. He did wonder why I didn't tell him I was worried and going to test. We know we're in it for the long haul so it did seem a bit odd for me not to share that with him.

I'd say if this is a relationship, not a fling, then tell him. If it's a fling, I wouldn't bother if you aren't planning on keeping it.

Original poster

twentyseven27 · 06/08/2019 16:20

Definitely a relationship so not a fling. But it's how fast it's happened. Also I would like another child, however still have a year left of a degree.

OP posts:

Notthetoothfairy · 06/08/2019 16:25

Definitely tell him, then you can make any decisions together. If he just wants to abort and doesn’t care about your feelings, better to know that now.

Belfield · 06/08/2019 16:28

Definitely I'd tell him. It was both of your decisions not to use protection and the pregnancy is a result of this decision. Why would you keep it to yourself/sort it out yourself. This implies that the you are the only party responsible for the pregnancy.

Hidingtonothing · 06/08/2019 16:29

I think it comes down to what you want to do tbh OP. If you want to terminate because it's not the right time for you as well as the relationship and you feel it would be easier not to tell him then I think that's a perfectly valid choice. If you're not sure and/or it's mainly the newness of the relationship and it would help you to tell him so you can decide together that's equally valid. Ultimately it has to be about what's right for you

Pineapplefish · 06/08/2019 16:31

I think that in this circumstance it's the woman's choice whether to tell or not.

Fwbvirgin · 06/08/2019 16:37

I would agree she prob already knows!

Number3or4 · 06/08/2019 16:44

I would tell him, but be prepared that he might not share same values as you. It might be the thing that causes him to take contraception seriously. If you start contraception later on and start trying diffrent ones, until you find the one that suits you the best he might find it very annoying instead of being supportive you changed all of sudden. You might symptoms very early and how would explain it without being honest and saying you are pregnant.

overnightangel · 06/08/2019 17:05

Of course you should tell him! It’s his baby too. I’d say you’ve a moral obligation to

Vee19811 · 06/08/2019 20:11

Did you tell him?

newmomof1 · 06/08/2019 20:20

Definitely tell him

Original poster

twentyseven27 · 07/08/2019 00:33

No not yet. I think I'm gonna wait for the first scan then tell him because I've heard you can have early miscarriages which would make it pointless to tell him x

OP posts:

Vee19811 · 07/08/2019 00:38

So your keeping it and not telling him right at the start? If your keeping it you really ought to have a conversation with him. You still don’t know each other and his reaction could impact your decision.

toffeeapple123 · 07/08/2019 00:45

*Of course you should tell him! It’s his baby too.”

It’s not a baby at this stage.

toffeeapple123 · 07/08/2019 00:47

Wow OP you’re going to go all the way to the first scan without telling him? The earlier the better for a termination for you and your body.

I was dating an abusive guy and fell pregnant within a few months. Had a termination within two weeks and didn’t tell him until afterwards.

Toffeecakes · 07/08/2019 00:47

If you're going ahead then you need to tell him asap, if he feels the same then it's unfair to make him miss the first scan on the basis that missed miscarriages happen.

If he doesn't feel the same then that doesn't change anything for you if you've made up your mind.

I don't think there's anything to gain from keeping it secret from him now.

toffeeapple123 · 07/08/2019 00:48

I mean earlier the better if you want a termination. Otherwise you should tell him.

Kaddm · 07/08/2019 00:48

I think waiting until first scan is too long to wait. Do you mean 12 week scan? I’d feel a bit put out being told after a few weeks.

I’d tell him ASAP. Then you can face this together.

Flashesofrage · 07/08/2019 00:56

If you decide to keep it and tell him at 12 weeks it’s going to seem incredibly odd and confusing for him.

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 01:05

Why on Earth was no contraception used? He’ll hardly be surprised if you’ve both been that irresponsible!!

Brandyb · 07/08/2019 02:20

I'd think a lot about what you want before you tell him. Your body, your choice - it's not an equal decision. You need to have a position on it before you put it to him - if you do. If you're concerned he might pressure you to keep it, and you don't feel you're ready, I'd think about it first. And at your stage of relationship, unless time is ticking, it might be too early. I had an abortion at 21 - best decision I ever made. I now have two lovely kids in a lovely very long term relationship where we had lots of fun for years before committing to the hard work of childrearing. It's your body and the main work will be on you. No shame in deciding against it at this point and if you feel that way and are not confident he'll agree well...

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 05:07

OP if you keep this from him until 12 weeks, be prepared for him to be furious and no longer trust you - I don't understand why you'd keep such a big thing secret regardless of the amount of time you've been together.

It is essentially your decision as to whether you continue with the pregnancy but it will impact his life too if you decide to have the baby and no good will come from hiding it.

It doesn't sound like you will, but if you terminate without his knowledge, make sure you get some counselling. You might feel fine about it now but at some point (especially if you stay with him and choose to have children) you may feel some guilt or sadness, or even anger if he encourages it.

lawnmowingsucks · 07/08/2019 05:58

You're getting to 12 weeks and no mention to him in case you miscarry spontaneously?

That's screwed up logic

He has a right to know imo and your secrecy is a red flag

jackio2205 · 07/08/2019 06:08

You barely know him, tell him and get it sorted either way asap. To have a child with someone is the biggest most important and scariest thing, you need to 100% be on the same page, even if he runs a mile then u know you are not on the same page forever.
Takes two to have a baby, you sorting it without him knowing says a lot about your future 'together', its about both of you not just you making decisions x

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 07/08/2019 06:14

Do you want it? (Well obviously you do if you were actively trying) it’s still ok to change your mind and have a termination, you don’t have to tell him if you don’t want. However as you clearly both wanted a baby, why not cut the bullshit and tell him? Although after only a few weeks you sound insane.

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