DH and I are having some problems and are thinking about relationship counselling, (my idea). When we're in the throes of it all, I'm convinced we have problems and need help, but then, when things have calmed down a bit, I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill...
So, trying to keep it fairly brief, (and changing some place names for anonymity), we met at university in 'Leeds', although I am from 'Bristol'. He then got offered a graduate job in 'York'. Great, thought I. All my friends are going there anyway and I discussed doing some postgraduate study with the university there who were really positive about it. At the last minute his job moved to 'Belfast'. He asked me to go with him and I agreed. Anyway, we got there and career opportunities were few and far between for me and I really missed home and my friends in England, but I didn't want to leave dh, so I obviously stayed with him. I was being a bit of an idiot in hindsight. All I really wanted was to get engaged and live happily ever after (I know, I know). Anyway, time went on and everyone kept asking me when we were getting engaged. I eventually mentioned it to DH and said I felt insecure giving up potential postgraduate courses, career opportunities and being close to my friends and family to be with him and did he want to get engaged. He wasn't sure. I said ok, well that's a bit hurtful but I suppose we haven't lived together long etc, so let's wait and see. I still wasn't that happy in Belfast and my job wasn't great. Eventually I said, look I need to know where this is going. I don't want to stay here putting my life on hold, only for you to break up with me a few years down the line. If you wanted to marry me, surely you know by now, as we had by then been together a good few years. It got to the point where I said I was going to leave. He begged me to stay and I said if we aren't engaged by this date, I'm going. Got to the date and he came down with a cold. Seriously, it's farcical isn't it? I'm between laughing and crying at what a twat I was. Aaaaanyway, we did get engaged, despite the cold. It was like pulling teeth and not very joyful. No proposal or anything like that.
He then got moved to another city, say 'Derry'. We went there and career opportunities were even worse for me there. We got married and he was thrilled on the day and in the run up to it TBF.
Now we're back in 'Yorkshire' and have two beautiful dcs. His family are nearby. We are SUCH different people (his family and me). They have been, tbh, hugely insensitive towards me at times. I won't list them all, as I'm obviously writing an essay as it is! But stand out moments are:
- my mum had died very suddenly and quite young (in her fifties) one Christmas Eve, a few years after DH and I got married, but before we had dcs. We had been visiting my mum and dad for Christmas.
We were at a DH family party about a month later and were about to leave. One of his sisters complained that we were leaving too early and DH said "look, we're tired. We didn't really get a Christmas this year". The sister rolled her eyes at us as if to say "oh give it a rest". We hadn't mentioned my mum the whole night and actually, I never discussed my mum with that sister ever that I recall.
At the same party another sister asked me where I'd got my bracelet. I explained that it was from my mum the Christmas she died, about a month before. She had left it under the Christmas tree, wrapped and ready for me to open. We found presents for us all the day after she died. When I explained that, the sister looked irritated and changed the subject.
- one of the sisters pulled a really obvious yuk face at me when I was breastfeeding. I actually pulled her up on it and she got arsey and then blanked me at her wedding the following week.
Obviously, these are just two things. There are many, many others and I now try to avoid seeing the sisters, although I encourage DH to see them and to take dcs etc.
DH denies there is any problem with them at all and gets very defensive if I mention it. So now I just don't see them much and that's that. We sometimes see his parents and I am always welcoming to them, happy to see them etc but don't see them all that much. They are over an hour's drive away, so not 'stopping in' distance, so it takes a bit of organising.
The part of Yorkshire we live in now is quite far from York, where my friends live and miles from Bristol, so I find myself very isolated. I have no career to speak of and am very unhappy where we live. I would love to live closer to my dad and siblings, but DH doesn't want to leave his job or the area.
He has turned out to be an amazing husband and father in other ways and offers me so much practical support. He does some of the preschool runs, he helps at home, he does a lot of the childcare at weekends etc.
I am starting to feel resentful though about how my life has turned out. Not necessarily towards DH, as I always had a choice re career, moving around etc and maybe I didn't choose well. I regret being so quick to move away from home and not going back as obviously I wish I'd spent more time with my mum and also her mum (my granny) who died a few years after my mum and who I was very close to. Again, my choice, but now that I want to spend time with my dad, I seemingly don't have one!
Anyway, sorry for long post. Any advice / observations appreciated.