Coping Strategies re PILs

[CalendulaQueen]

So, the annual visit to the PILs is approaching and depression is setting in. We have known each other for decades but I am finding visits increasingly stressful, both the anticipation and the resentment afterwards.

They are not bad people as such, just difficult. It's hard to put into words what the problem is. There is also a slight language barrier, which doesn't help.

PILs have never asked how I am or ask me any questions whatsoever about myself basically. They also barely acknowledge their grandchildren (although they are happy to see them) and don't really talk to them either. MIL has always talked a great deal, basically a monologue with no input required.

There are set times for meals but we are not expected to be in the house outside of these times. Tea (the drink) is considered for the weak so there is none in the house. They would not consider that other people drink tea. Tea is for the weak.

Likewise, people do not have regular showers or baths in their world so we are never given towels on arrival, only a small hand towel. Washing clothes there is an issue - somehow seen as wasteful or a lack or organisation?

I suppose anything at all that is outside of their "normal" is unacceptable.

They don't accept allergies exist although they suffer from them themselves and have been given clear instructions from various specialists on how to eradicate the problem. So me and the children suffer badly from allergies when we are there. They don't see the relation between sneaking certain foods in meals with the resulting diarrhoea - though this is impossible to ignore! They are somehow blind to it. No question of an apology.

If we go out for a meal, to one of their approved places, PILs know in advance what they want and order immediately on arrival. No time to look at the menu myself. The waiting staff know them and have us in and out very efficiently.

PIL have never really visited us in our own homes, whether in their country, or abroad, not even long enough to stay for coffee, just a brief walk-through when we have moved house. They did travel widely when they were younger though, just never to us.

I feel very stressed there all the time. More and more I just try and hide in a corner with a book. I don't think they see this as a slight or rude, my presence or non-presence is of no significance.

So, do you have any coping strategies? Any thoughts on how to get through this? Every visit could well be the last one but I have just had enough. I feel like my PILs somehow suck all the life out of me. Or like I don't even exist as a person when I am there. Not deliberately or maliciously ignored, just like I'm invisible.

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading this.

First world problems @CalendulaQueen

Take your own tea and towels,
Or don't bother going, but seriously you sound like your clutching at straws really.

Sod that. I think you all need to stay away as you have tried and they are unreasonable and uneducated people who don’t believe perfectly acceptable medical advice that leads to fairly obvious toilet conclusions!

If your family is becoming unwell because of their ignorance and pride in cooking meals and down filled duvets you can’t go on like this.

If DH wants to go fine. It’s his choice to become ill.
But children need parents to make healthy choices for them, so they can’t really go unless you can get somewhere else to stay/eat so they stay healthy.
Shame it has to be this way, but DH needs to stand up to his DP and things have to change or you can’t really go.

I agree with other posters, you need to take charge of the situation.
Ask before every meal whether it contains such and such, or make sandwiches yourself. Bring sleeping bags.
If, as you say there is no malice, a direct but calm approach shouldn't cause too many problems and if ot does, its probably still preferable to you stewing, getting depressed and your family dealing with allergy symptoms.

Just to clarify, yet again, I do what is necessary re buying tea, breakfast cereal etc myself. Put on a wash when needed. I completely ignore any remarks referring to these things. As I already said previously!

LoveMenorca please read what I have already written previously. As I already said, DH is allergic to the food not the children. I can tell a waiter to come back again too.. The point is more ALWAYS having these same issues on every visit. ALWAYS buying tea and breakfast, ALWAYS having to ask for more time in a restaurant. It's wearing when people consistently only think of themselves and don't consider the needs of others. When everything is always on someone else's terms.

Contraceptionismyfriend: maybe you should have read what I have written too before making an aggressive emotive response? Yawn.

Yes, we could buy cheap duvets and pillows, I will think about that! Duvets not needed in summer but new pillows would solve the problem entirely for all of us.

ABC, yes it is the loss of autonomy that is at the root of it I suppose. It's like entering a whole new and tiny world where everything is highly ordered and controlled. "Rebelling" doesn't change the general atmosphere. And it's not that the grandparents don't care, more that they are incapable of thinking of others or other peoples perspectives.

So me and the children suffer badly from allergies when we are there.

I'm sorry what's that?

My answer stays the same. Be a decent mother instead of a doormat and stop forcing your children to be miserable.

Oh, some of these reactions are a bit strong. We all make sacrifices for family, are you really suggesting the OP doesn't let her kids see their grandparents/her partner his parents because they're very weird? What a great life lesson for the kids. Her kids obviously have allergies but they're not going into anaphylaxis (yes, yes, I'm sure they could at any moment...)

OP - this sounds a nightmare and I understand the obligation to do the right thing for family. Take teabags, take cereal, take a massive bottle of gin x

I am absolutely saying that while these people are forcing her children to suffer they should not go to them. Who gives a shit how they feel. If they're so far up their own selfish arse that they don't care about those children then they don't deserve them.

You heard Contraception, me and the kids do suffer badly from allergies when we are there, but the children are not miserable and look forward to visiting their grandparents, believe it or not. Also, in the summer months, as everybody knows, the problem with dust mites is significantly reduced. I think we can all suffer the sneezes and blocked noses etc for a few mornings a year so that the kids can see their grandparents before it is too late. I hadn't thought of it, but I could make an exception and get something from the chemist to help us with the symptoms. So thanks for prompting that.

Also, Contraception, as a parent of kids with allergies you must be very well aware that many people do not "believe" in allergies, just read about people who insist on their rights to eat peanuts on a plane because they don't "believe" someone might die from that. My MIL suffers terribly herself from this "belief" because she doesn't believe what medical professionals have told her for years. She's not uncommon. There are many many people like her. As you must know.

If people refused to see selfish relatives they wouldn't see many relatives at all.

Anyway, I do feel more positive now, thanks, not least due to the bottle of gin idea Croque. PIL will very happily share their stash of top quality alcohol. In this respect they are extremely generous. I'll pick out the most expensive bottles and SMILE!

The children will be left with an impression of GPs who loved them, despite their obvious shortcomings. That's worth gritting my teeth for.

Thanks for the more measured responses..

When someone told me that I should give my son his allergen because it was fussiness I told them to shut up and go away.

It otherwise my family have been supportive and bent over backwards to accommodate in the most amazing ways. Because my children are going to learn that that's how people behave for the ones they love

so basically both you and your dh choose to put your own health - and your dc's - at risk just to fulfil an obligation to his parents....who choose to deliberately put all your health at risk?

You're all batshit!

I'm gobsmacked that you and your dh would rather risk your dc having an allergic reaction and possible death than assert yourselves and your boundaries re his parents!
It's like their feelings and wants are more important than anyone elses - including your dc's needs.

Whereabouts are you going? I have similar PIL and I don' t go over much but my child doesn't have an allergy and my husband will argue with them if they go too far. I would say skip a year or two (they won't notice because they don't really care about you) but what about the children then? Can you skip it if your children also skip it? Don't let your children go over with your DH/DP as he is doing nothing about the allergy thing and he has to sort it as they are his parents and he speaks the language.

Good lord Saving Spaces. Similar symptoms to a cold are hardly life threatening. No danger of death. Blocked nose, runny nose, etc yes. Clears once we're outside for a bit.

As I said earlier, DH is the one who has to look out for what food we are given.

Belfield, sympathies re your PIL (!).. there is no skipping a year for us, PIL are very elderly. I wanted my kids to have at least annual contact with their GPs and to have that memory. And they do. As people get older they often get more and more wrapped up in themselves and mix less with grandchildren etc. They just like to have them near and to watch them play. The children still have a perception of them as people who get them their favourite treats etc and as people who do care for them and are kind to them. Even though they have hardly interacted with them during the last visits. The kids don't see their GPs inflexibility or the routines or any of the stuff that drives me insane. That's my problem alone.

Also, there is never any direct conflict with PIL as they know their way is the ONLY way. So our PIL are not alike. To them, my way is simply the wrong way and they will basically ignore my little rebellions, as I ignore their views on many things. (Yikes!) DH is like me in this respect, we both quietly get what we want.

@CalendulaQueen I'm not quite sure why you created a thread as you don't seem to be looking for any advice but rather just dis-regarding everything everyone has said. I don't see how you can say you both quietly get what you want when you acknowledge that your DH has an allergic reaction to food but does absolutely nothing about it. Just bring a pillow. @savingspaces was reacting to your own post wherein you advise of the allergies. It seems it is no more than hayfever so not really a big thing but you didn't say this in your initial post. Your DH allergies are the problem but if he thinks his mother/father not being offended is more important than his health that's his own business.

The point of the thread was asking for coping strategies with very rigid thinking routine led PIL. For me. My children and DH are happy to see them and will cope with the dust mite allergy and food allergy thing which has been blown up with a good number of hysterical posters who haven't read what I wrote properly.

The only reason I mentioned allergies as an example is because even though mil suffers from them she does not believe in them. So also doesn't understand the children suffer from them. She doesn't intentionally want anyone to suffer. The GPs do love their GC in their own quiet way.

All advice pertinent to my problem re coping strategies - gin, buying duvets & pillows was acknowledged and taken on board.

Any other coping strategies re my PIL gratefully received.

OP - read your op. Do you once say that you actually Do anything in relation to their rigidity? No. So forgive us for assuming you don’t!

So let me get this straight

You and family are happy to visit your in-laws
Apparently you do bring food / duvets / put washes on ie not so spineless as your OP indicates (but failed to clarify!)

So you’re asking for coping strategies?

Um.... suck it up if you’re happy to visit AND you bring own stuff etc

They don't accept allergies exist although they suffer from them themselves and have been given clear instructions from various specialists on how to eradicate the problem. So me and the children suffer badly from allergies when we are there. They don't see the relation between sneaking certain foods in meals with the resulting diarrhoea - though this is impossible to ignore! They are somehow blind to it. No question of an apology.

YOU used the word “sneaking” which does suggest negative intention

Just look at it rather like going to the zoo. These are strange creatures, with odd little rituals and routines... think of yourself as a scientist studying them and making notes.

At the end of the day, they are just rather odd and ignorant elderly people. Allowing them to carry out their weird rituals and cook their food won't actually hurt you (now you have made it clear about the allergies), or knock the world off its axis. Make sure you have plenty of antihistamines, see if you can get those anti-allergy pillowcases, and treat yourself to a humungous G&T every night.

Where exactly do they live, just give us a rough idea if you don't want to tell us, is it Europe or further afield? I can't understand why it's such an ordeal for you, it is always awkward staying with other people, everyone's routine is different to what you are used to in your own home, but that's just a lesson in learning to compromise & get along with other people.

I'm not laughing at your situation OP as it sounds awful; however you have had me in stitches with the way you've written it!! I hope you can find a way to cope with the annual pilgrimage that doesn't involve you killing either yourselves or them.

Your post screams to me they are indeed ASD. Very fixed thinking, routines, lack of conversation unless it's about themselves and their interests. Can you with this in mind excuse some of that behaviour and accept it for what it is. It'll go a long way to coping and dealing with these visits...?

www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/sons-and-daughters.aspx