10 years single - hot and cold guys

[LonelyButterfly]

Hello everyone!
I (37) have been single for 10 years and only encounter guys who don't want to commit and who just want sex but I'm not into one night stands. I've tried being introduced to men by friends, through hobbies, dating apps,... always the same. I don't have much experience in relationships or sex and I really really miss some TLC...
Now there is a guy I can't forget for months. When I met him it was first very intense contact and although he was very keen he said he doesn't want to sleep with me because he thinks I could be important and he didn't want it to end in lust or feeling used, wants to build a friendship first. But then he keeps vanishing but reappearing. He drops comments that he finds it hard to open up (his ex took her life about 3 years ago but he was in a relationship since then), wants me as his friend, feels lonely, etc and spent 2 whole days with me. But because he always withdraws when things get closer, we only spent a bit of time together overall. I've now slept with him and he still stays in contact but as before only very sporadically. When I'm with him I feel so safe but when I'm not with him I feel quite shit. I would like to make him feel better (he mentioned a few times that things are difficult for him relationship-wise, and he may have depression too) but of course he doesn't let me (or anyone I suppose). I feel very silly for liking a guy so much that I hardly know and who obviously has issues. I don't know whether he likes me and is just scared or only my attention (he had said he doesn't know where things could be going as he needs time) but I also don't know how to forget him.
Thank you for listening :) If you have some advice, would be really grateful!

You're very much looking for TLC, and it's completely understandable. But, you're being blinded by that and by the hot & cold behaviour which in behavioural terminology is intermittent reinforcement. It has an addictive quality, look it up. It's also the feeling great when with them, feeling shit when not - do you recognise that as an addictive flavour? My opinion is - he probably has more than just you on the go, you're maybe a 2nd or 3rd option for him, hence he strings it out with 'friends' and the sob story of his ex.

Have you checked this story? Do you have any mutual friends you could ask about his history? Does he mainly mention this when you ask about his disappearing acts? I recognise people lose other people and end up traumatised but it's no excuse for shabby behaviour. You don't know how to forget him because of the addictive qualities of his behaviour.

I would say - ditch it. But you won't. The only thing I can say is .... keep going and you will find out that all isn't as it seems, i'm almost certain of it.

After 10 years of looking and only finding inappropriate and unavailable men, OP, the common denominator is you.

You've already admitted you wanted "to make him feel better" - which is the epitome of codependence ... as is the emphasis on feeling "safe" vs "shit", depending in whether he's with you or somewhere else.

This kind of issue doesn't change by finding a man (who you probably unconsciously wish will to save you from your predicament). It changes by finding yourself.

What kind of family did you grow up in? What was your parents' relationship like with each other? With you? It all stems from there. I'd suggest exploring the answers, and all the feelings they bring up, in therapy. Not as fun, but far more likely to a) help you define what you want in healthier terms, and b) help you to find it.

excellent posts supercali77 and AFistfulofDolores1. couldnt agree more.