Signs an avoidant person is interested in you?

[Clickyclick]

Just that really.
I don’t know many avoidant people.
So I’m just looking for signs that one has feelings for you?

Why, so you can avoid them?

Seriously, though, don't go there. Heartbreak lies that way.

I'm one and a pretty experienced one lol what ya wanna know.

main thing is you wont know we like you till we know your safe.

Depending on what you are, could take weeks or months. And any one thing that normal people allow all the time could put us off and that's it, so yea its a funny old world and it hurts us more then you guys believe it or not.

The heart break comes because while were observing people get attached real fast which is something we cant do. So lets say been on 3 dates and in my avoidant head I'm like ok this person isn't getting any better and I don't want to get involved I'm going to have to end this nicely blah blah in my head and cant get away quick enough. In theirs its TOTALLY different story and they are really attached and your like Wtf how did that happen lol.

No idea but if there is choice on your part then why would you? Knowingly actively searching out a relationship with someone with serious unresolved MH problems sounds like a bad idea - perhaps becoming friends and helping them get to a healthier place would be a better idea before thinking about a romantic connection?

What normal things put you off? Do you find that when you’re feelings are off they’re off for good or do they come and go?
Yeah I have a lot of empathy for avoidants after reading about it.

Chipsandgin
Very true.

Assuming you haven't actually already fallen for this person, I agree with a pp -- why would you voluntarily enter into a relationship with someone who (through no fault of their own) is unwilling to enter a relationship and, even if they do, is likely to be repressed, a poor communicator, ill-attuned to the other person's needs, and to regard perfectly normal desires or preferences as needy and demanding. And more than usually liable to sulk/ignore/dump you if there's a disagreement?

The fact that you've 'diagnosed' them as having a specific disordered attachment style doesn't solve anything -- you're still dealing with the reluctance to get involved, a lack of trust, tuning out, passive-aggressive ways of communicating displeasure etc.

Just don’t even go there. Really it’s not worth it

So I’m just looking for signs that one has feelings for you?

Well, that depends on just how avoidant they are.

As Scorpio said there is need to feel safe, this can come quite easily with some types of relationships, such as well defined professional roles like say a GP or even a therapist. Romantic relationships however are the ones with the greatest capacity to hurt if they fail, so safety is hard to find.

A clear sign that someone avoidant likes you, is if they avoid you even more than with others.

If you have some level of social relationship, then I would suggest being open and honest about things, and asking permission before doing something 'new' (even simple things like touching) are good ways of making yourself a safe person to be around.

Contrary to the doom and gloom above, all the books say that someone with an avoidant attachment style can form a successful relationship with someone who has a normal secure attachment style.

Which attachment style are you, OP? That will determine it really.

It’s something Im reading about at the moment and trying to get my head around it-Im definitely avoidant,does that mean that a relationship with another clearly avoidant person wouldnt work?

That would almost certainly be a problematic relationship, @Nadia86.

My dp has dismissive-avoidant attachment. I would say he is not on the extreme side of it, but it's how he is for sure.

Signs they like you... they ask to spend time with you. They come back when you drop the rope. That's about it.

Don't date someone who is avoidant unless you are really secure in yourself and do not have a timeline (e.g. if you want a baby etc, look elsewhere).

Chances are, knowing you are interested is enough to scare them off.

Unless the person is receiving counselling to help them overcome it, why would you want to get involved? It's a recipe for heart ache.

does that mean that a relationship with another clearly avoidant person wouldnt work

Well, if you're both truly avoidant, neither of you would put in the energy to sustain the relationship long enough for it to take root, so no, it would be unlikely to work.

I agree with the previous comment that avoidant folk can have successful relationships. There are two types of success for them, generally speaking:

1. If they have a realtionship with a person with anxious attachment, the relationship is likely to be very long (if that's a measure of success), and also extremely dramatic and miserable. It becomes a relationship of trauma bonds, basically.

1. If they have a relationship with a person with secure attachment, the relationship may, after a longish time, become happy and secure.

Two avoidants typically don't have enough emotional energy or intimacy skill between them to sustain a relationship.

Thanks @rvby it explains a lot

I have an anxious preoccupied attachment and my husband is an avoidant. I thought I had a secure attachment but that's because I was in a relationship with another secure person. Avoidant and anxious are the worst combo...I constantly feel insecure...chase...chase more..ask for reassurance...need affection and someone who meets my emotional needs...this makes my husband run a mile...so then I back off and he becomes closer...then he gets uncomfortable with being closer and backs off then I go back to the chase etc...if o had know he was an avoidant I would have ran a mile but the honey moon period probably disguised each other's attachment styles...I think you can tell if an avoidant likes you if they feel comfortable in that you won't be needy...avoidants only like to rely on the selves...

Speaking from painful experience, just don't.

I went to marriage therapy once and the therapist basically told me after the first session I was dismissive/avoidant and it changed my life... everything finally made sense!

I have learned to accept it about myself and not try to compare myself to others as this just makes me feel like a freak. Attachment styles come from early childhood experiences so don’t really change much...although awareness helps self destructive behaviours and aids understanding for both partners.

I give people fair warning that I am not much of an emotional person and I need my space and independence (I literally mean NEED, I find any kind of clinginess and over emotional people/situations suffocating). It doesn’t make me a horrible person, but I can’t see how it would really work with anyone but an understanding securely attached style. I think a dismissive/dismissive would never get past a first date!

Although I am crap at emotional stuff I am good at practical matters, great at honest, logical advice, can see the big picture, etc. So it’s not all bad!

There are some good videos about avoidant attachments on YouTube, it really helped my husband understand me much better. Even though I hate to admit it much of avoidance comes from a deep rooted fear of rejection, to be vulnerable is a terrifying thing. Being independent and fearing nothing means nobody can hurt you - a powerful but ultimately lonely existence. An understanding secure type may be able to provide that safety to finally be vulnerable with enough patience and not taking anything too personally!

Hope that helps!

@AFistfulofDolores1
I’m not too sure what my attachment style is if I’m honest. I’m really secure in long term relationships. I don’t need reassurance or analyse anything. I don’t shy away from intimacy either. However when dating, it depends on the person I’m dating is I guess.

Clicky you probably have secure attachment. It's the most common attachment style. Avoidant is relatively rare. Anxious less rare.

@Clickyclick - That's somewhat of a contradiction, i.e. you're secure in long-term relationships, but are influenced by the person you're dating. But possibly you do fall into the 'secure' group.

About 51% of the population is securely attached. 49% have an attachment disorder.

I think I am dismissive avoidant, self diagnosed. I've also recently diagnosed oh with narcissistic personality disorder....
It's not the healthiest of relationships, but I think there's a possibility it might work. Maybe. Neither of us want to communicate about our issues, we both just want to do our own thing. Our fucked up personalities are weirdly complimentary??
Or maybe I'm wrong. About all of it....

I'm being tongue in cheek BTW. About the multiple amateur diagnoses..... Not the other stuff 😉