Ex making me question everything! Could it just be lust!

[Bobbins19]

So a bit of a back story- 7 years ago I met a guy at work- the 1st time I saw him I just adored him ! We had both recently broken up with partners so took it really steady- over about 8 months or so - slowly getting closer - it came to around the October of 2012 and I tried to organise a date and it kinda came to a head and he said I'd got the wrong end of the stick!, So he handed his notice in and left - i was so angry and deleted his number and joined plenty of fish- a few months later I met someone- I then found out that this ex (if we can even call him that) got engaged to his ex ! All in the space of 3 months! So that was that- he got married (he's a Jehovah's witness which I never knew ) fast forward to 2019 and he messaged me totally out of the blue! His wife left him 18 months ago which is very bad in the Jehovah world - he now lives alone but can't divorce her as it's not the witness way - he no longer wants to be a witness but he either has to have an affair to release himself and her from the marriage and subsequently his family and friends will disown him or leave voluntarily and still be disowned but without the stigma- any way we've been messaging- he said he was so torn between the religion and me.and chose the religion and now realises he made the wrong choice! My feelings all came back and I just want him so much! His ex wife made him feel like he wasn't good enough and he dreaded going home at night! What do I do ! Is it just unfinished business.? Is it lust? Am I setting myself up for heartbreak again!

I really wouldn't. I'd leave that well alone. It's probably lust.

I think you should really look into what being disfellowshipped would mean for him. It's not an easy thing to leave your community.

Also confused by the reason you broke up originally? Also are you still with the person you met on POF? Also, are you writing a novel?

A bloke who told you that you’d got the wrong idea when you asked him out 7 years ago is now asking you to have an affair with him so he can end his marriage? I’m not sure I see the attraction.

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. The dynamics and social pressures in this situation are huge.
I would strongly advise you leave him to deal with his own life choices and don't let yourself be drawn into It. He is likely feeling very isolated and unsure about his whole life at this point. You don't deserve to be seen as an easy escape route (and it will be anything but easy).

Yes.

And he never chose between the religion and you, otherwise he would have said that at the time instead of making you feel like a prize waker who 'got the wrong end of the stick'. He is a bullshitter.

And that 'my wife was mean to me boohoo' bet that is a load of crap too. You'd be wise to read up on narcissistic triangulation (when they play two women against one another) because I'm betting that if you see him, that'll be where it is heading. That or hr will string you along for a bit and ultimately claim he is conflicted, still.

He isn't a nice person. Avoid.

Thanks all :) we were together in 2012 it wasn't like I had misread the whole thing- he was raised as a witness and then had a break in his late teens and then around the time we were together felt torn between dating a muggle so to speak or marrying a witness-

I honestly think he reached out to me as a friend- he wouldn't have thought that 7 years on I would still feel so much for him !

He has explained the situation around him leaving and on what grounds and that has nothing to do with me as such but it sounds like a lovely road if he choses it !

I just wanted impartial opinion :) so thank you.all !

A lovely road?

Lol I meant a lonely road :s

Steer clear of him for now, don't be his escape route. Let him sort out his own life and decide what he wants to do. Don't get involved.

Calm your passions...give yourself a slap...walk away....and then think how lucky you were not to mess with a complete arsehole in a few months time when more of the story reveals itself.
Be brave!

Giving him the time of day after the way he behaved just comes across as very desperate.

If someone made me feel like such an idiot, I couldn't be bothered with them.

You need to carry on with your life and tell him to leave you alone.

So...
You had an 8 month relationship. You tried to arrange to see him, he accused you of making it out to be more than what it was.
He quite his job to be further away from you.
Within 3 months of that he proposed to his ex and then married her.
He's not treated you with much respect. Don't entertain it. He made his decision a long time ago, let him stick with it. He'll pull a fast one again and make you feel awful.

"Love" and "lust", what's the difference? Isn't the "head over heels" love I see so many here aspiring for here just lust? Unfortunately if he's not divorced getting involved with him could get very messy.

You only have his word that he is divorced. He has kept you and his religious world separate. You will be a handy scapegoat to blame for everything.

There is no sunset here, only misery.

I doubt very much that you truly love/lust this man as he truly is (callous, cold, calculating). You are infatuated with the version of him that lives inside your head. I think you need to look at your own life and work out why on earth this looks like a remotely interesting prospect?

What would you say to your bestie if she told you she was thinking of doing this?

U would tell her to block him totally.

Also you need to think about when you were there to be with him, he played it down & married someone else. He could've chose you, you don't want to be someone's fall back.
If he has reached out as a friend & you're hopeful for more, a friendship would be extremely difficult. I feel bad that he would be disowned but you'll both have different needs & expectations. Would you be able to handle that?

It’s lust. He would have been with you then if he really wanted. He’s using you now for an ego boost. Block him.

I'm not exactly familiar with the ways of Jehovah's Witnesses but it strikes me as a very odd & probably remote coincidence that 2 Witnesses in the same area were involved with/dating non Witnesses & then got married. I gather that marrying outside the faith is a no-go.
Did the man you're currently seeing know or mention to you that his ex was a JW?
You say your not-quite-an-ex had broken up with someone when you first got interested in him, did he explain what he meant by a "partner"? Pre-marital sex is banned & breaking an engagement is looked on very seriously.
Whatever his reasons for getting in touch with you I'd be highly suspicious of what they are. Probe the guy you're currently seeing, ad be open with him about the recent contact. He may be able to cast a lot more light on this.

A bloke who told you that you’d got the wrong idea when you asked him out 7 years ago is now asking you to have an affair with him so he can end his marriage? I’m not sure I see the attraction

Me neither.

I'd leave him to sort out his own shit and then he can come and find you when he's free to do so, if that's what he really wants and leave you out of all the drama and scandal.

This sounds awfully like a man who doesn't have the courage of his convictions and isn't prepared to say "I'm getting divorced" without having someone to fall back onto - someone who is going to he there for him when the rest of his community isn't.

You think he reached out as a friend and didn't consider you'd have feelings after all these years? I still get the occasional message from a couple of men I went on one date with through Match 6 years ago! I don't reply but when they're feeling a bit horny they clearly feel it's worth a chance!

Any port in a storm and all that...

He contacted you precisely because he was hoping you do still have feelings for him and he could make use of that.

He treated you badly all that time ago. If he wants you now, he has to prove himself to you. Not use you for an affair to end his marriage. You're worth more than that.

Why are you even considering him? Are you feeling very alone and without othee options?

He isn't a friend, he didn't treat you well first time and now you are considering him because he wants to leave his wife who "makes him feel bad". He is acting as a victim who knows you are either very empathic & trusting so he can dump all his issues on you. You can't fix this for him as he needs longterm counselling if he is preparing to leave his old life. I suspect he will use you, be unhappy after a while and decide you are the cause. You will be left drained and confused and feel angry that you have wasted more of your life on him.

Thanks everyone :) I knew deep down that everything you have all said is right - i just needed it slapped in my face.

Your right - he made me feel completley worthless 7 years ago and he even turned that back on himself so that i would feel sorry for him!

If he wants to leave the witness world then hes got to do that of his own accord - im not willing to be his way out - what if in years to come he decides he wants back in with the Jehovahs!! Its not a life i want and i would always worry that he would hurt me again.

Thanks Again!!