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Original poster

Do seemingly happy, loving husbands ever fake it all?

29 replies

unk1nd · 05/08/2019 14:50

I'm really confused. It seems that my sister's loving, devoted husband who posts daily sweet, lovey-dovey messages on her Facebook account for all her friends and family to see and who is always complimenting her on how beautiful, talented and lovely she is, who I always thought was devoted to her, the perfect family man, has been messaging other women, telling them how unhappy he is and how he doesn't love his wife.

My sister is devastated and I am in shock. They have been married 20 years! Is this common? How can someone fake something so completely? Makes me wonder if everyone is faking it. I don't know how to comfort her. It is like Jekyll and Hyde.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 05/08/2019 14:55

He's not faking it, he's happy with her, he just wants to shag around as well and thought he'd get away with it, telling lies left right and centre to get his end away.

toycar · 05/08/2019 15:03

totally agree with ISmell unfortunately. Not all men cheat because they are unhappy or because their needs are not being met. Some men cheat to prove they still can get what they want and are still attractive to women.

Some men like the extra boost and like their family life too with their wife. Really nice lifestyle and gorgeous wife and enjoy it but want to feel they still are hot and get more attention from women to feel validated by others.

Its selfish, utterly selfish and destructive. Day dream, fantasise, just don't go and bloody act on it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2019 15:07

I don't believe a word of the nonsense people post on SM about their partners. The unhappiest people I know post all sorts of #blessed nonsense online. I mean daily messages? That's not for her, that's to be seen to be wonderful. And people that invested in being seen to be wonderful crave adoration, something you get in spades from affairs.

Wishihad · 05/08/2019 15:11

Hmmm I think it's different for each situation.

Some people do this and arent faking being happy they just want more.

Some people, especially, with all the public shows of love and affection are faking it. They know something isnt quite right.

Some are happy, want more and the public PDAs are to throw everybody off the scent. If they appear devoted, they can probably talk themseleves out of any trouble if caught, because people would easy believe the OW is a crazy stalker who took advantage of his good nature.

Personally, everyone I have personally know that post constant declarations of love on social media arent happy at all.

Usually starts after one has had an affair or something else quite bad happen.

Showing how much you love someone, in a way that's for other people to see, just makes me think all is not well.

Original poster
unk1nd · 05/08/2019 15:15

He posts things like "you are gorgeous", "I love you", "heats emoji" etc whilst telling other women he doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
unk1nd · 05/08/2019 15:15

"hearts"

OP posts:
Blue5238 · 05/08/2019 15:19

I generally assume people who repeatedly post lovey dovey stuff to their partner on Facebook for the world to see have something to hide Confused and one partner is or has cheated on the other.

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 05/08/2019 15:21

It seems that my sister's loving, devoted husband who posts daily sweet, lovey-dovey messages on her Facebook account for all her friends and family to see and who is always complimenting her on how beautiful, talented and lovely she is, who I always thought was devoted to her, the perfect family man,

I always think those that have to do this are the unhappiest. Those secure in their relationships don't need to gush crap all over the place.

Tennesseewhiskey · 05/08/2019 15:22

The thing is lots if people fake their relationships are great for all sorts of reasons.

I agree that public displays, everyday was a huge red flag that all is not well.

When I see couples doi g it on social media, I do assume they are as happy as they make out.

TheNavigator · 05/08/2019 15:23

The daily declarations on social media are a bit like when a couple decide to renew their vows - you just know that all is not right in paradise.

I am very sorry for your sister, her DH sounds a snake.

Lozzerbmc · 05/08/2019 15:24

I think the daily messages are too much and perhaps hes trying to convince himself or its a guilty conscience.... Horrible for your sister though

whitebowls · 05/08/2019 15:25

The most publicly loving couples I know have all split up, due to infidelity.
Posts on SM, proclamations in public, wrapped around each other.
I used to look on wishing occasionally that my DH was a bit more openly affectionate in public........not now.
All fake.

Monthlystatement · 05/08/2019 15:34

I know a couple like that. She’s had a long term affair with her boss, husband unaware. They don’t post on SM a lot but when they do, they are hugging each other, kissing, perfect family on a perfect holiday. He is usually the one declaring what an amazing wife he’s got and how happy he is. But I’m his defence, he doesn’t know what his wife is doing so it’s probably genuine.

litterbird · 05/08/2019 18:07

I have 3 friends who post unbelievably lovey dovey stuff on SM. 2 of them are in abusive relationships and are desperate to get out (my house is their safe house, they have my front door key) the other is having an affair. So, in my experience, those who post the most are the most unhappy.

MariaVonBratt · 05/08/2019 18:09

I wouldn't take any notice of anything written on social media like that. In fact I often find it's the couples that are most unhappy who feel the need to make these public announcements to try and convince everyone and themselves that they're happy. It's the couples who keep things off social media who are usually happier.

MariaVonBratt · 05/08/2019 18:09

I wouldn't take any notice of anything written on social media like that. In fact I often find it's the couples that are most unhappy who feel the need to make these public announcements to try and convince everyone and themselves that they're happy. It's the couples who keep things off social media who are usually happier.

MariaVonBratt · 05/08/2019 18:09

I wouldn't take any notice of anything written on social media like that. In fact I often find it's the couples that are most unhappy who feel the need to make these public announcements to try and convince everyone and themselves that they're happy. It's the couples who keep things off social media who are usually happier.

BertieBotts · 05/08/2019 18:14

Agree - constant, public, very generic expressions of love like that seem to be inversely correlational with the happiness of a relationship. On both sides (Happy/healthy couples I know never do it... unhappy/unhealthy dynamic couples I know do)

Needsomebottle · 05/08/2019 18:20

I often wonder in circumstances such as these if they do it to make others desire them? So other women want the man who is so openly adoring. Then, if they get him, even as an OW, they feel they have the ultimate prize - if he adores his wife soooooo much he must really like me to cheat on her with me?!! Thus hooking them in even further.

Thus, tragically, these public shows of adoration are actually part of his pick up.

And that's my armchair psychology.

McTits · 05/08/2019 18:34

Agreed, constant public declarations of love and adoration are a huge red flag and as for the joint FB accounts... Hmm

AgentJohnson · 05/08/2019 18:45

The ‘I am unhappy with my marriage’ was bullshit that is used to explain away the permission that he gave himself to be sleazy. Unfortunately, there are far too many women who fall for this type of line, along with the ubiquitous ‘we live separate lives and never had sex’ lines.

Even if he genuinely was unhappy (he wasn’t) ‘I am unhappy with my marriage’ still wouldn’t be an excuse.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/08/2019 19:18

His behaviour is compensatory, and quite common. In fact, the more I read spouted tripe on Facebook about "hubby-bubs" and "my beautiful darling girlfriend" - particular if it's a regular occurrence - the more I know that that relationship is either in trouble, or heading there rapidly.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/08/2019 19:51

Btw, this behaviour isn't conscious either: it is a defence against admitting the very unpleasant truth.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 05/08/2019 20:09

In my experience the most lovely dovey outwardly affectionate and outlandish people are like this. Not just men but women also

bobsyourauntie · 05/08/2019 20:18

OP, it's classic behaviour when they fall for somebody else. They get sympathy from OW by telling them how awful their life is, how their spouse just doesn't understand them/sleep with them/be nice to them/blah blah blah.

It sadly happens over and over again where they suddenly walk out claiming that they have been unhappy for years, whilst actually having been loving and affectionate as always. It happened to me.

Your DS needs to get tough now and stop believing any of his bullshit. It is hard, but I wish I could have been a lot tougher rather than falling apart. It would have stood me better in the long term.

Affairs are often common in people with low self esteem, because they need to feel good about themselves, so they fall for somebody else, start to belittle and berate the wife, making themselves the total victim, thus gaining all the attention and sympathy of the OW and anyone else who cares to listen to their lies.