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Original poster

Trust after affair

12 replies

lionfish · 05/08/2019 14:32

I found out 18 months ago that DH had been having an emotional affair for years. We had some counselling and decided that we would work on the relationship and stay together. On the whole, the last 18 months have been OK (some good bits and some bad bits), but I can't help not completely trusting him.

I suppose my question is can you ever trust after an affair? If not, can you live with it, or is it the end? I still love him, we have 2 DC but I'm struggling.

OP posts:
NomDeQwerty · 05/08/2019 14:41

I did learn to trust again after a short affair. It was extremely difficult to do so and took at least 3 years. Even then I would sometimes wonder when he was texting etc but I just put it out of my mind because we were doing very well. I even felt guilty for being suspicious with no good reason. He'd had lots of therapy - both as a couple then him on his own to address the reasons why he gave himself permission to cheat in the first place.
Then about 8 years after the affair I discovered that he'd been in touch with her for the past 4 years. So all that trusting was pointless.
Really don't bother OP. The chances of a properly happy ending after an affair are too small to bet on.

NomDeQwerty · 05/08/2019 14:43

How much of what you feel.for him is really love and how much is fear of being on your own with the DCs?

Original poster
lionfish · 05/08/2019 14:51

I'm so sorry that you tried to trust but were let down again @NomDeQwerty. I do love him and enjoy his company. However, I do acknowledge that I am absolutely petrified of being on my own and would have to change jobs and move house etc to support myself and DC. I have no idea what I'd be 'entitled' to if we split but he is by far the highest earner even though we both work full time.

OP posts:
NomDeQwerty · 05/08/2019 15:04

There are posters here who would be able to help you with the logistics of moving on if you wanted to start a thread asking for support. I'm now divorcing with no dependent DCs so I wouldn't be the best to advise you.
What I'd say about trusting is that it's extremely difficult, probably pointless and in any case it's for him to earn it not for you to give it like a gift after an affair.

NomDeQwerty · 05/08/2019 15:09

In hindsight, I'd say you'd be better off trying to live with the lack of complete trust rather than working on being able to trust him as you once did - because the person you trusted is not the person you once thought he was.

There was a schoolyard saying that jumped into my head after I discovered his messages - ' Fool me once, shame on you...Fool me twice, shame on me'. It kind of made me see things clearly.

Original poster
lionfish · 05/08/2019 15:23

@NomDeQwerty I do feel terribly stupid, embarrassed and ashamed for not seeing what was going on in front of my nose. It has affected my confidence in so many ways. I don't trust my own judgement any more because I got it so spectacularly wrong before.

I hope that you find happiness in your new situation.

OP posts:
Pastryapronsucks · 05/08/2019 15:34

My partner had a ONS nearly 5 years ago. Initially I didn't trust him in so far as when he went out, or was on his phone ( even though he never phoned/messaged her).

Now it's more that I don't trust him to 'have my back' when times are hard like he did for the 18 years previously. It happened when I was going through a tough time PND and just exhausted with life, he felt I was not giving him enough attention.

What you might find helpful is to go of some of the websites which calculate what Child support and benefits you might be entitled to. Check out house prices/rent etc. You might be surprised at how you could manage. With this information your decision to stay (or not) will be because you want to rather than because you feel you have to.

user1479305498 · 05/08/2019 15:45

I trusted to some extent relationship wise, because what I found out was from a long time ago, however it triggered a general unease and some snooping and I found a chronic frequent porn habit that I had no idea about, so now I have a different kind of distrust. Haven’t yet decided if I can live with this as I feel it is sneaky and sleazy , especially as I have never said ‘never’ about it. Thing is trust can be about many things including infidelityor emotional affairs/infatuations etc but once broken it’s easier to feel ‘on edge’ about overall trust

Leyton11 · 06/08/2019 07:12

Hi needing some advice and new to here, I found out a few months ago that my baby daddy has cheated on my 4-5 years ago 2 times whilst working away I need to know how you dealt with this and is the relationship salvageable

Leyton11 · 06/08/2019 07:12

Hi needing some advice and new to here, I found out a few months ago that my baby daddy has cheated on my 4-5 years ago 2 times whilst working away I need to know how you dealt with this and is the relationship salvageable

Leyton11 · 06/08/2019 07:12

Hi needing some advice and new to here, I found out a few months ago that my baby daddy has cheated on my 4-5 years ago 2 times whilst working away I need to know how you dealt with this and is the relationship salvageable

Leyton11 · 06/08/2019 07:12

Hi needing some advice and new to here, I found out a few months ago that my baby daddy has cheated on my 4-5 years ago 2 times whilst working away I need to know how you dealt with this and is the relationship salvageable

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