2.5 years on

[NoMoreMarbles]

I posted in March/April 2017 about my H having had an EA for 4-6 months and finding out etc

I'm a regular lurker and not so regular poster(anymore) but been a member since 2005ish...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to gain from this post really but I know that there's so many of you out there who have been through an affair and have chosen to stay or leave so someone else's perspective is always useful regardless of if you agree with my decision to stay with him for now.

So my reason for posting is my H has now (finally) told me the truth about the affair and confirmed what I thought all along since I found out that it was a full blown physical affair.

He has a long history of lying (by omission mainly but if asked outright he will continue to lie to cover his arse/minimise his behaviour) and right up until last Wednesday maintained that he had never had sex with the OW and that it had only ever been sexting.

I didn't feel strong enough when I found out at the beginning to get past it all alone and make him leave and I felt I was to blame... I don't feel that now...

My perspective on this has changed and now that the details are in the open I have now started to try and actually process what I should have had the opportunity to process 2.5 years ago.

We are still together and keeping up appearances for now for the sake of DD (13yo) but I've set a time limit on how long this can go on for (5 years from now- twice the time since the affair ended so far) based on the knowledge that in many many ways, our relationship has actually been better in the last 18 months than before the affair but that's not taking into account that he has maintained the lie throughout that time.

It's mainly the lying that bothers me (and the sh*%ging another woman obv) but it's also something he has said when we've discussed it again last night that he doesn't feel he can talk to me so it's easier to lie. How will he change that if I'm not the person he can confide in?

After lurking on similar threads I have decided to try and protect myself financially, and start to take steps to look at the realities of separation as at this moment in time i don't believe he is capable of change but obviously time will tell and if we do stay together I will be in a better position should he revert to type...

A handhold would be nice but some impartial advice would be welcome too...

I'm struggling tonight I can't stop crying and have left him sleeping in bed and returned to the couch. I'm feeling very sorry for my self and woe is me about everything at the minute.

Oh nomore, I feel for you, I really do. Let yourself grieve and don’t make any rash decisions.

Even if you decide to stay for 5 years it doesn’t mean you have to. You can change your mind at any point.

You have to give yourself permission to feel right back at the beginning again, you must feel so hurt. Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in? Can you get away for a few days and get some space?

The only people I have told is my mum (she loves my husband though so was no help at all ) and my best friend but she's currently working on a relationship with an attached man so isn't the best person to rant at/sob to about it all.

I seem to go from numb and sort of blank to sobbing uncontrollably. I need help dealing with this I think.

@wasnotwasweregood I'm constantly telling myself that it's been 2.5 years, and haven't given myself permission to feel it as new again so that's really resonated with me

You talk as if you expect him to change ( on page 1) ? Why would he ? he's a lying cheat and has got away with it in his eyes.

You are so upset because you are living with this man and he has treated you appallingly. It is up to you whether to choose to live like this .

*I can't just make him leave right now, I have to try and sort out finances and can see whether changes actually happen.

I agree he's been a total shit but it remains to be seen whether I can live with that or not*

Your choice ....

Off course your grieving - he’s really hurt you and lied to you. It’s a normal reaction. That’s shit coming from your Mother. The sun doesn’t shine out of his arse. You need space from him somehow. It’s the school holidays - is there anywhere you could go without him.
Re your debts - is there anyone you can speak too about this?
Anyway round it - selling house with equity?
He’s sound cruel. Was he sorry about it?🌺

It jumped out at me that you said your daughter shouldn't suffer because you're hurt by her fathers actions.

I just wanted to say that your hurt is normal, reasonable, human behaviour. Your husbands affair is his fault and any hurt your daughter experiences because of his actions is down to your husband and absolutely nothing to do with you being hurt by him!

It hasnt been 2.5 years though, has it. The truth was only just now. You may have had suspicions 2.5 years ago, but the reality is you have only just found out.
So you are allowed to grieve, you are expected to grieve. It was his choice to drag the deceit out for this long, so dont let him belittle or minimise your feelings as to it being so long in the past that it doesnt matter.

I'm feeling a little better today for getting the sobbing out last night. I fell asleep on the couch and H came down and broke down crying when he realised I'd slept apart from him.

He's very contrite and is crying more than I am at the minute.

We have both taken today off work and communication is open today. I've told him that whatever happens next it has to be completely honest conversations and the decision to stay together or not will be openly discussed. I've always considered myself a fair and open minded person so I'm trying to approach this in a similar way too today (tomorrow might be different as I'm so up and down!)

With regards to my DD she has to be considered and I'm trying to see things from the perspective that she comes first and this isn't entirely about me. Since she told me she had overheard us discussing things she's been incredibly mature about it all and has surprised me with how level headed she has become. I told her she had 'permission' to tell us both exactly how she feels without fear of being told off and she (respectfully) berated H for his behaviour towards us both. H was in bits but she maintained her composure and said she understands that everyone makes mistakes but how can he tell her not to lie when that's all he's done. She told him he's got a lot of work to do to make things up to us and no matter what happens she will always love him and being angry at him behaving so badly won't change that. When do our kids suddenly become little adults?

I have told my manager (some but not all details) and he's helping me to access counselling that I'm entitled to from my employee wellbeing program (wasn't aware of this til now) so I can work through how this has affected me.

Thanks for all of the advice and comments so far. Just writing it down seems to be helping a bit I think

Hey OP have been thinking of you today. Your daughter is blinking amazing - would that we all had some of her wisdom. I'm so pleased there's counselling available to you through work and that you've been able to speak to your manager. That's really positive.

I hope the chat with your daughter reassures you that whatever you decide to do with your marriage your daughter will be OK. And so will you.
Wishing you a peaceful weekend.

Thanks @wasnotwasweregood she's amazing! I'm very proud of her

I'm in work today trying to concentrate enough to be productive... not really happening but I'm feeling a little bit better today than yesterday so that's something.