How do you get over a narcissistic mother?

MouldyOrange · 2019-08-05T10:32:11+00:00

I am NC with mine. Unfortunately I had to go NC with the whole family because it was toxic. Child abuse, emotional neglect, physical neglect, you get the picture. I'm shelling out 1000's in therapy to just about hold-on it seems. The trouble with my mother is that she looks so ^normal^. She takes pride in her appearance, irons her clothes, washes her car etc. If you saw her out you'd think there's someone who's got their shit together & is doing well in life. Ditto at home. Neat & tidy, healthy food in the fridge etc... I had only the barest incklings of understanding when I cut her off. Now I have a whole lot more but it's not enough. The first 10yrs of NC went by without me noticing but now I notice every day. I keep wondering if she was really that bad? In my mind's eye she looks so benign from a distance now. I feel bereft to have lost my whole family. Who else is that unlucky? I used to feel anger but I don't any more - or if I do, I don't have any to access to it. How can I get over this so I don't waste the rest of my life grieving?

hairychinsrus · 05/08/2019 11:40

Hi OP
My mother and father are both narc, awful childhood and we are now LC not NC.
It sounds like you are grieving for the mother you never had and the childhood lost.
If you get back in contact be prepared for the reasons you went NC to become painfully clear again
For some reason I always want their approval and for them to say something really positive or for them to say sorry or I love you and be normal. Except actually I know that's never going to happen so you I take them as they are and that way I can't be disappoint
A narc will never be wrong or say sorry and they just LOVE being the victim

hairychinsrus · 05/08/2019 11:40

Hi OP
My mother and father are both narc, awful childhood and we are now LC not NC.
It sounds like you are grieving for the mother you never had and the childhood lost.
If you get back in contact be prepared for the reasons you went NC to become painfully clear again
For some reason I always want their approval and for them to say something really positive or for them to say sorry or I love you and be normal. Except actually I know that's never going to happen so you I take them as they are and that way I can't be disappoint
A narc will never be wrong or say sorry and they just LOVE being the victim

hairychinsrus · 05/08/2019 11:40

Hi OP
My mother and father are both narc, awful childhood and we are now LC not NC.
It sounds like you are grieving for the mother you never had and the childhood lost.
If you get back in contact be prepared for the reasons you went NC to become painfully clear again
For some reason I always want their approval and for them to say something really positive or for them to say sorry or I love you and be normal. Except actually I know that's never going to happen so you I take them as they are and that way I can't be disappoint
A narc will never be wrong or say sorry and they just LOVE being the victim

hairychinsrus · 05/08/2019 11:40

Hi OP
My mother and father are both narc, awful childhood and we are now LC not NC.
It sounds like you are grieving for the mother you never had and the childhood lost.
If you get back in contact be prepared for the reasons you went NC to become painfully clear again
For some reason I always want their approval and for them to say something really positive or for them to say sorry or I love you and be normal. Except actually I know that's never going to happen so you I take them as they are and that way I can't be disappoint
A narc will never be wrong or say sorry and they just LOVE being the victim

hairychinsrus · 05/08/2019 11:41

Hi OP
My mother and father are both narc, awful childhood and we are now LC not NC.
It sounds like you are grieving for the mother you never had and the childhood lost.
If you get back in contact be prepared for the reasons you went NC to become painfully clear again
For some reason I always want their approval and for them to say something really positive or for them to say sorry or I love you and be normal. Except actually I know that's never going to happen so you I take them as they are and that way I can't be disappoint
A narc will never be wrong or say sorry and they just LOVE being the victim

Craptop · 05/08/2019 12:13

You don't get over thighs like this. You learn to live with them better, and reach a level of acceptance. Talk to your therapist about why you are doubting yourself on your recollection of how things were. Could this be a hangover of gaslighting? for you

Aussiebean · 05/08/2019 12:48

There was a chance i would see my m last March. From the moment I knew it could happen (months before) my anxiety went right up. At just the mere thought that I may see her.

For me, that just helped the idea that NC was the right decision for me. Because the anxiety I would have if I actually was in contact would be unbearable.

Have a think how you would feel if you did get back in touch. Knowing that she wouldn’t acknowledge your reasons for NC or apologise. Would you be ok with that?

I also think you are grieving the mother you should have had and deserved. Not the mother you got. The unfairness of it all really does hurt.

Original poster

MouldyOrange · 05/08/2019 16:15

She did say sorry once in a letter. It was one of those sorrys the undercurrent of which is 'I don't know what I'm apologising for but I'll say it to please Mouldy'. I can't get my head around us both living separate lives.

OP posts:

hairychinsrus · 05/08/2019 17:13

Sorry about the multiple posts!!

Aussiebean · 05/08/2019 19:05

If you did get in contact, what are you thinking will happen?

StillMe1 · 05/08/2019 22:52

This seems like it could turn out to be an interesting thread.
I am NC for lots of reasons, including physical, psychological, physical and financial abuse.
My current feeling is that it is safer for me to stay NC. Right now no-one is abusing me as bad as I was before.
I do miss all the people but I don't want to be in the same position ever again. It has taken a very long time to rebuild myself after all the put- downs etc

Femodene · 05/08/2019 23:27

You don’t, really, once you remove them from your life and enjoy the bliss of being unburdened, you have the sad realisation that you’ll never have a mother, this shit is what you get and you e been given a childhood you have to recover from and move 5rough stages of sadness, anger at the audacity of the trash forcing us into existence, etc.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

And join the ‘But We Took You to Stately Homes!’ thread in this section.

ClareIsland · 06/08/2019 01:25

You are making progress - maybe you are transitioning out of the anger phase which might be unsettling? But you will reach acceptance.

The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

Crazzzycat · 06/08/2019 02:00

The first step is to stop doubting yourself. I know that’s much easier said than done!

I went NC with my narcisstic dad almost 25 years ago and as a result lost contact with my entire family. Even though I know for certain that going NC was the only way for me to stay sane, I still go through periods when I wonder if it really was as bad as I remember. If my brothers are able to have a relationship with him then how come I can’t? Is there anything that I could have done differently that would have meant that my life hadn’t turned into such a mess?

All of those are pretty normal things to think about, I think. What helped me was to do lots of research online into narcissism. The one thing that stood out from that is that pretty much every website tells you the same thing; the only way to deal with a narcissist is to cut them out of your life completely. It’s unfortunate, but it just seems impossible for them to change, so there’s no point even trying.

Things may be tough now, but ask yourself what would it have been like if you had stayed in touch? Do you think things would have been any better? At least by going NC you have given yourself a chance to rebuild your life. You may not be quite there yet, but you’ve got a better chance now than when you were constantly being dragged down.

If it helps, after all this time I no longer have negative feelings towards my dad. I see him as a flawed human being who probably doesn’t know any better. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like him or forgive him for what he did to me and my brothers 🤷🏻‍♀️

FuriousVexation · 06/08/2019 02:14

first 10yrs of NC went by without me noticing but now I notice every day. I keep wondering if she was really that bad?

Have you recently hit a life stage that would make you wish for a mum? EG getting married, having a child, hitting menopause.

FYI it took me til menopause to cut off my very toxic and manipulative mother, so if you've done it before me, be proud of yourself.

Have a look for the Stately Homes thread on this board. Full of people who totally understand. It was so helpful when I finally decided to go NC

chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 02:35

Oh OP, she hasn't had an epiphany or contacted you to sincerely apologise with understanding and remorse. She is the same person living her life not being eaten up by not being in contact with you.

If my DC went NC I would literally devote my life to making them happy, even if NC. I WOULD DO ANYTHING.

What could they add to your life that was positive? If you have DC would you trust them with them?

Trust yourself.

I have been NC with my dad for years, he is old and dying. But he is still himself. I had been NC with my mum for a year before she died, I did see her the week she died, but there was no gushing reunion. It was the same.

As a PP said, I grieved the mother I had longed for, not the person I didn't really know very well.

Xxx