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Relationships

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Original poster

Worried fiance hiding dangerous father

25 replies

SequinedTortoise · 05/08/2019 10:39

I am getting married next year. When deciding the guest list the topic of my fiance's father came up. His parents are divorced and he has always been quite vague about him. He occasionally sees him 1:1 and says he is a bit useless and his DSis won't talk to her dad, hates him etc. All I know is that his dad had a few affairs (I think he is on his 3rd or 4th wife) and dates much younger 18-20 year olds each time. Which I know is not great but my fiance doesn't express much about it all and is very closed on the topic.

My fiance seemed to imply he was indifferent about having his dad there. I encouraged him to invite his dad and thought he should have both parents there. Lots of divorced families put on a brave face for the day and get on with it for the sake of a wedding.

My future MIL and SIL are really upset and have said to my fiance that they'll find it very hard. SIL hinted that she has taken years to get over how her father treated her and his actions and this is digging up the past for her. MIL has been less vocal but it obviously really worried.

I am now panicked what I have opened up... I talked about it with my DM and she said it sounds like there is a lot more to it and a reason that MIL and SIL are reacting so emotionally to it. I have always found MIL slightly distant and see SIL a bit but I wouldn't say I'm close to her. I worry that I have opened a can of worms and am now questioning why my finace has been so vague about it all .

OP posts:

yellowallpaper · 05/08/2019 10:43

Why on earth would you want someone who is loathed by his ex family and not rated by your fiancé to your wedding? Uninvited him if you already have. Who cares what he thinks. Your fiancés immediate and close family are who matter here,

yellowallpaper · 05/08/2019 10:43

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yellowallpaper · 05/08/2019 10:43

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yellowallpaper · 05/08/2019 10:43

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yellowallpaper · 05/08/2019 10:44

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2019 11:24

I encouraged him to invite his dad

That's not really your place. If your fiancé is indifferent but his family are very upset, don't invite him. What benefit would he bring? Just stress - if he shows up.

Family relationships are nuanced; and if you'd never met his dad, he is in the best position to decide if he should come to the wedding.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2019 11:26

I encouraged him to invite his dad

That's not really your place. If your fiancé is indifferent but his family are very upset, don't invite him. What benefit would he bring? Just stress - if he shows up.

Family relationships are nuanced; and if you'd never met his dad, he is in the best position to decide if he should come to the wedding.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/08/2019 11:49

You're trying to shift the blame on your fiancé because YOU fucked up.

It's obvious he doesn't have a close relationship to his dad, you were told his sister hates him and he didn't particularly care if he's at the wedding or not. You pushed the issue either out of nosiness or some rose tinted glasses idea of family.

He doesn't have to be a serial killer/abuser/paedophile for his ex and daughter to hate him. Serial cheater, with young women and possibly selfish/emotionally unavailable is enough. This is not on your fiancé, it's on you.

BraveGoldie · 05/08/2019 12:21

The OP only says she encouraged him. If that is true, there is nothing wrong with that. Her partner is an adult and could have resisted , explained more, Irvine to his sister and mother to test how they feel before deciding.

OP, on the other hand, if you pushed regardless of his protests or sent the invite yourself before he had given a final decision, then that is a different matter.

I agree with uninviting him. This feels awkward but fact is his behavior hasn't warranted being treated as a priority, and the people who are likely to be close to you through your marriage are the ones whose feelings should be the priority....

Original poster

SequinedTortoise · 05/08/2019 14:02

Maybe I haven't been clear. I encouraged him because he said he wasn't sure if he wanted his dad there and implied he would like him there but it would upset his sister and mother. The more we talk about it, fiancé is now upset his mum and sister are reacting this way. I'm trying not to get involved but feel I've created a mess.

I've cocked up, I know. But I'm more worried about what I don't know and what my fiancé hasn't told me. I feel like there may be more to the issues between them and their dad. I have tried asking fiancé but he is vague.

OP posts:

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/08/2019 14:07

So what do you think he's "hiding"?

Your title and last paragraph are very dramatic.

Original poster

SequinedTortoise · 05/08/2019 14:13

The whole thing has made me wonder if there is more to the issues. MIL and sister have reacted in a very emotive way. My finace is being vague about it all. I feel like it doesn't add up. If my FIL acted so badly why does my finace see him while his family seem scared and very upset by him.
Or perhaps was being naive assuming having both parents there is best and what would make finace happy. I know I have misread the whole situation, my reference to is he dangerous means has he done something really bad/unforgiveable that finace is keeping from me?

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 05/08/2019 14:22

We can’t answer that. Only your df can.

ISmellBabies · 05/08/2019 14:25

You need to say all this to your fiance, be more direct. Don't accept vague nonsense. Tell him "that's a bit vague" or "that's not an answer, I mean specifically tell me x, y and z". You won't get any answers on here, we've got no bloody idea what his dad has or hasn't done. Ask him and insist on a full answer.

BraveGoldie · 05/08/2019 15:09

Df may not know - if there has been abuse - particularly sexual towards the sister - it may not ever have been spoken about fully within the family..,,.,

But I also agree with another poster - just what you do know about him would be plenty to corrode family relations to this point, and you should respect how they ultimately feel, rather than push any ideal image of what makes a happy wedding...

PaterPower · 05/08/2019 20:00

I’ve known several couples who had absolute nightmares about wedding seating plans and on having to decide who should/could be invited because the in-laws were still not speaking to each other 20 odd years after splitting up.

It doesn’t take much for (often but not always) the father to get booted in these circumstances. Kids will generally stay with Mum even where she’s the one that cheated, and if she’s prepared to put up enough of a fuss then Dad doesn’t get an invite, or isn’t allowed on top table, or isn’t allowed to bring his partner / new wife etc etc. IME, Mum will almost always get her way at a wedding.

FuriousVexation · 06/08/2019 01:52

Are you sure you want to marry a man who is this vague and passive about his own fucking wedding guest list?

IsobelRae23 · 06/08/2019 02:31

Yep you’ve opened that can 👍

Gingernaut · 06/08/2019 02:35

If my FIL acted so badly why does my finace see him while his family seem scared and very upset by him.?

Because your fiancé is a guy and he was treated differently to his mum and sister?

flamingjune123 · 06/08/2019 07:34

My four siblings and I have entirely different recollections of childhood as do many grown up children. It's dependant on age, sex and often temperament while growing up. I don't think there's any mystery and suggest just leaving it alone now. Your fiancé may have no real negative memories of his childhood but clearly is a decent enough person not to want to cause his Mother and sister distress

Original poster

SequinedTortoise · 06/08/2019 11:09

Thanks all. I have spoken to him more and he told me a bit more. Basically he has a different perspective from his mum/sister and would like his dad there. He says he thinks they're overreacting and agrees that his dad should come. Agrees with me they should get try to get along for the day.

Anyway, as PP said. A thread can't solve this, I guess I just wanted perspectives on it.

OP posts:

ISmellBabies · 06/08/2019 11:50

Aren't you concerned about his character, if he thinks his dad ruining the lives of his mum and sister by having flings with 18yr olds is not that bad? I wouldn't want a husband who thought his dad's behaviour was alright really and had the attitude that dm and dsis should suffer his company for pleasure on his wedding day. No thanks! Good luck with him.

VeThings · 06/08/2019 11:56

He agrees his father should come. This totally sounds like you fired off the idea in his head that his father should be there, because you had an idea that everyone should just get along for the day.

It seems like MIL and DS are upset, but have not outright said that they won’t come if he is there. Which makes me think this will be painful for them and you’re hurting their feelings in favour of a man that your DH was ambivalent about before you stirred it.

It is your wedding and you can invite who you like, but I would not intentionally cause pain to the people close to me.

ittakes2 · 06/08/2019 12:18

There is a chance his mum and sister have not told him the full story.

HUZZAH212 · 06/08/2019 12:53

He thinks his mum and SIL are over reacting and agrees with you his dad should come...for the sake of what? So you get to have conventional style wedding photos? Sounds like your day may be a complete wash out tbh. MIL and SIL aren't going to want to be within a country mile of FIL. They're not going to paint on happy faces and be one big happy family. Is it more important to have estranged FIL there over MIL who presumabled raised your DF and looked forward to his wedding? Can of worms indeed!

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