Should I call it a day with my boyfriend?

[confusedtoomuch777]

I am early 40s and been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Things are relatively good between us. He lives 1 hour drive away, gets on with my DC (12 and 9), he’s got busy lifestyle but makes effort to see me and help me out. I’ve got keys to his place and there are photographs of us everywhere and my pjs in his bed. Admittedly I cannot visit him often due to childcare issues. We both met each other’s parents and friends.

He divorced and has a 10 year old DC whom he sees every other weekend. only for few hours. He’s DC got separation and anxiety issues (confirmed by assessment which I’ve seen) and for that reason I have not met them yet (he doesn’t sees them enough as it is, his contact is every other weekend and DC doesn’t stay over due to anxiety). Apparently one of the reasons (not in the report) DC is worried that dad will move away with his girlfriend (me) and forget about them. So him and his parents (who play important part in my boyfriend’s life) went into a great effort to reassure DC that no girlfriend will stand in between him and DC, that dad will not move away until DC is 18 and that he is never going to get married.

According to the boyfriend this is only to reassure his DC. He tells me on vague terms that he is going to marry me one day and we are going to be a family. I’ve raised the point I am not ready to put my life on hold for another 8 years no matter how good is the relationship. He says it will be sooner than that.

Without trying to sound selfish, I had previously raised an idea that we could get a bigger house together near me so he has a room for his 10 year old DC and can have his fortnightly contacts. He says it is unfair to his DC as it an hours drive to take the DC to their activities (not that he ever does!!!!).

I am happy to wait until his DC is in a secondary school (one more year), but his parents just told me (I think it was targeted toxic sting towards me) that he is not going to move away until DC is 18. He says his parents are wrong and it will be sooner but is too vague for anything concrete.

I am considering to cut my losses and move on. It’s a good relationship and it is good that he is a committed dad but I get the feeling his DC is being used as an excuse. I’ve known plenty of families who made some sort of compromise and managed to blend families. Maybe not easy but they gave it a chance, if they really wanted it too work. After 3 years of vague noises I am starting to feel like I am not good enough for him to seriously plan future together. I was going to wait and see until his DC is in secondary school if that changes anything, but after his parents made these ‘reassuring’ comments and actually bothered to tell me those, I wonder if that is the actual truth he tries to wrap up in vague promises?

Am I being selfish or is it time to call it a day? I’ve considered ‘tagging along’ and see where it takes us, but getting increasingly hard when seeing others moving on and we are just muddling unable to even talk of the future in real terms.

I feel your pain. I think I could potentially fall into your scenario. I wont tho. You need to be really hard and honest with yourself-it's not just about him is it? Yes, kids are v important but you both have needs. If they don't match now how on earth are they going to moving on!

I would probably dump. Life’s too short isn’t it? You deserve better I think.

It's difficult but I think I would end it though that's not easy. Could you chat about buying together or get engaged and see what hid reaction is?

Why do you want to blend families?

Thank you for replies! I thought my thread got lost within duplicate threads when MN had technical issues few days ago.
Why do I want to blend families? It is tiring to go back and forth with stuff and having double sets of clothes there and back. Take care of 2 households and two gardens. There is never enough time as it is. Also if we ever to live together, I'd like to test it out, rather than living separately for years and then finding out we are actually don't get along if we live together.

To throw in more confusion, I am thinking upsizing my home (not for his sake - just in a good position to upsize) which might mean he will find it convenient to move in together- which I want - but this would make it very unequal partnership as he is still saving for his deposit.

My head says to break up and my heart is lost what to do...

I think you're right. This doesn't sound like a relationship that will adapt or alter to make everyone happy. I can understand doing everything to help a child adjust to a divorce and separation, but to hide a serious relationship for years seems weird. Surely the daughter could slowly get to know you - surely it would make her feel better eventually if you turn out to be perfectly friendly and normal and forge a friendship with her?

Personally I’d be happy with your set up. You have the best of each other without dealing with the crappy stuff. To paraphrase some one - move in and you change from being his lover to becoming his mother (picking up his boxers from the floor and the like). You have time with your kids and he does with his. You have your own space and independence. In time you can have the kids meet and do some family type things together. But hey I love my own space and my routine with my kids, you may want something else. And if he doesn’t - up to you whether you want to make that compromise.

Is he too close to his parents? Do they interfere in his life? What do you know about his marriage and why it ended?

I doubt he will move as it will be an extra journey for his son and it is unlikely his sons anxiety will get much better in a few years. What happenels at 18 when his son can't go to Uni due to anxiety?

Could he buy a place near his son and move in with you on a trial basis?

I would not buy with him however as your lives are too separate and will take years to blend. If you really want joint lives and marriage he isn't the man for you.

Thank you once again.
Whilst I am perfectly fine on my own, I do want a traditional family model, although now as I think blending families is not exactly traditional...

In my ideal world, we could rent together for a couple of years, perhaps get engaged, then if all is well buy house together and get married.

He is close to his parents. Talks on the phone several times a day. I admired this in the beginning of our relationship, now I am starting to think it is not healthy and influences his negatively. His parents still 'love' his ex wife (and hate her at the same time). The parents have a level of toxicity in my opinion.

His DC does know about me, but is being told that I won't stand between them. Of course I won't, but it doesn't feel like the right way to reassure. As if I am there but I don't matter?

Yes there is a lot of baggage to work out but one would hope everything is possible with love.

He seriously promised a young child this? Allowing a child to dictate your life is ridiculous, is the mother living as a nun?
Be blunt, tell him something has to change or it’s over.