At a loss...mil

Sadandconfused03 · 2019-08-05T09:36:32+00:00

Hello I've name changed for this post as I am seeking some advice and support with regard to where to go next or what I can do. It sounds cliche but I have met the man of my dreams and for the past 12 months we have had a wonderful relationship. He is my best friend and everything just slotted into place. I didn't expect to ever feel like this with anyone and we are both planning for the future. The concern is my partner's mother.... and it has come to a point that I want to walk away from my current relationship to look after my own mental health and to protect my partner because I dont see a solution to this. When in company, if I say something which goes against the grain (e.g where I do the food shop, or holiday location I fancy) I am told that I shouldn't consider x or I dont want to be doing that. It is difficult to stand up for oneself, as Mil will take it personally and shut down completely. I dont want my partner to be in that situation. I am constantly treated like a child (as is he), both in our 30s with high flying jobs, I've lived and travelled abroad extensively but berated that I dont know enough about the world or dont have experience as to how things work. For example, I mentioned I needed to get white vinegar as I wanted to clean the windows (I have been using this for years and like it as I dont get streaks) and I was informed that is not what you use to clean windows with an eye roll like I was a child who did not know better. I understand the stereotypical mil relationship, but I dont want that. I have invited out and sent invitations to family dinners but they are refused. However, if either of us miss a family dinner then it is extremely rude and a row occurs. I feel it is me, I'm not what was expected for her son and I feel that him being with me has upset things. I adore my OH but the fear of upsetting her and causing any issues is making me want to walk away. We have spoken about talking it through, but the personality type would not accept criticism or take any responsibility. I can bet if I ask what is the issue can we please resolve, I'd be informed that there isn't one. My oh is very supportive and has dealt with the mood swings all his life but does not know how to resolve the situation without escalating things. Thank you for reading this, I realise it's a long blurb. Just feeling emotional and drained with no clear path as to how to resolve the situation. I'm scared of upsetting the apple cart further and dont want to cause conflict between my oh and his DM. Thank you

shadowloveragain · 05/08/2019 10:40

Oh OP it doesn't matter who your partner brought around his mother she would be exactly the same with whoever. Does your partner stick up for you around her?

naneee · 05/08/2019 10:43

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

naneee · 05/08/2019 10:43

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

naneee · 05/08/2019 10:43

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

yellowallpaper · 05/08/2019 10:52

I wouldn't end a good relationship because of the MIL. I would move far enough away that I had minimal contact with her and not let it affect my new life.

naneee · 05/08/2019 10:57

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

naneee · 05/08/2019 10:58

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

naneee · 05/08/2019 10:58

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

naneee · 05/08/2019 11:06

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

naneee · 05/08/2019 11:06

I have been with my DH 8 years and can totally sympathise with you my EXP mother was totally laid back and didn't interfere or force her opinion so to go from that to how my current MIL is was a huge shock to the system, and I actually considered leaving my DH because of it, however I decided just to distance myself from her and have as little contact as possible and have done that for the last 6 years or so, if she starts with her nonsense when I am in her company I very politely but firmly shut her down and if she kicks off or sulks then that's her problem. It's hard though but if you love your partner do not let his mother be the reason you don't work.. totally feel your pain it's not easy

BraveGoldie · 05/08/2019 12:32

Everything you describe suggests she won't change - I know the type! The only thing I would say is that type do sometimes behave better if you firmly and calmly don't take their crap. If they realize they don't have power over you...

Minimize contact for yourself, and hopefully for your dh if he is willing and ready - but you can act independently if not. I know you are worried about her reaction but that is the power she uses to continue being horrid. Get low contact in place now and you will save yourself decades of angst! And yes I agree- it has nothing to do with you!

Original poster

Sadandconfused03 · 06/08/2019 17:18

Hi everyone

Thank you for your messages and responses. For some reason I couldn't access the thread again after I posted, I think the site was having some issues.

I agree that it is not worth losing a wonderful relationship over, but in my moment of weakness feel it is the only way to protect my MH. I'm worried that low or limited contact is likely to be seen as a red flag to the bull so to speak but there are plenty of options in the next few months where I can slip away from things due to work commitments. My OH is fantastic and very good, he has known about the mood swings all of his life unfortunately and feels guilty for dragging me into the situation purely because I am his partner. We are the only family that live close by unfortunately and due to his work there isn't much opportunity to move. I need lessons in confidence and standing my ground too :) thank you again, it's nice (in a way) to know I'm not alone

OP posts:

ColdAndSad · 06/08/2019 19:17

If your partner supports you, and won't let her get away with being mean to you, then you might be able to have a good life with him. If he makes excuses for her, supports her rather than you whenever there's a conflict, then you are in for years of misery I'm afraid. I would be very careful in your position. I've had years of unhappiness because of my awful mother in law, and my husband's inability to stand up to her: I wish I'd left him years ago, just for this reason alone.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 07/08/2019 18:46

OP you can and must seperate the relationships...You chose him not her she is excess baggage to you ...love him totally exclude her from your life totally..no excuses needed.You have tried your best with her but to no avail..know when to quit.It might be a game to her but you do not have to play it ....tell your partner straight and let him accept this is how it has to be if you both have a future together...like my husband ..I married him not them!

Troels · 07/08/2019 19:32

You have to stand up for yourself each and every time, or she will think you are a pushover and she has the upper hand.
You say you need vinegar, she says thats not right. You tell her Thats what I use and it does better than Chemicals (or some such answer)
If this was a woman at work would you let her slap you down with each decision?
She doesn't know any better than you on anything, she only has her opinion.
You don't need to be rude or shout, just be matter of fact when she tries to tell you what to do.

Herocomplex · 07/08/2019 19:40

It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s not even about you.
You could ‘grey rock’ her?
But your problem isn’t her, it’s your OH. While he continues to place her needs so far above his own he’s showing he has no boundaries where she’s concerned.
You’re right to be so very concerned.