I am early 40s and been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Things are relatively good between us. He lives 1 hour drive away, gets on with my DC (12 and 9), he’s got busy lifestyle but makes effort to see me and help me out. I’ve got keys to his place and there are photographs of us everywhere and my pjs in his bed. Admittedly I cannot visit him often due to childcare issues. We both met each other’s parents and friends.
He divorced and has a 10 year old DC whom he sees every other weekend. only for few hours. He’s DC got separation and anxiety issues (confirmed by assessment which I’ve seen) and for that reason I have not met them yet (he doesn’t sees them enough as it is, his contact is every other weekend and DC doesn’t stay over due to anxiety). Apparently one of the reasons (not in the report) DC is worried that dad will move away with his girlfriend (me) and forget about them. So him and his parents (who play important part in my boyfriend’s life) went into a great effort to reassure DC that no girlfriend will stand in between him and DC, that dad will not move away until DC is 18 and that he is never going to get married.
According to the boyfriend this is only to reassure his DC. He tells me on vague terms that he is going to marry me one day and we are going to be a family. I’ve raised the point I am not ready to put my life on hold for another 8 years no matter how good is the relationship. He says it will be sooner than that.
Without trying to sound selfish, I had previously raised an idea that we could get a bigger house together near me so he has a room for his 10 year old DC and can have his fortnightly contacts. He says it is unfair to his DC as it an hours drive to take the DC to their activities (not that he ever does!!!!).
I am happy to wait until his DC is in a secondary school (one more year), but his parents just told me (I think it was targeted toxic sting towards me) that he is not going to move away until DC is 18. He says his parents are wrong and it will be sooner but is too vague for anything concrete.
I am considering to cut my losses and move on. It’s a good relationship and it is good that he is a committed dad but I get the feeling his DC is being used as an excuse. I’ve known plenty of families who made some sort of compromise and managed to blend families. Maybe not easy but they gave it a chance, if they really wanted it too work. After 3 years of vague noises I am starting to feel like I am not good enough for him to seriously plan future together. I was going to wait and see until his DC is in secondary school if that changes anything, but after his parents made these ‘reassuring’ comments and actually bothered to tell me those, I wonder if that is the actual truth he tries to wrap up in vague promises?
Am I being selfish or is it time to call it a day? I’ve considered ‘tagging along’ and see where it takes us, but getting increasingly hard when seeing others moving on and we are just muddling unable to even talk of the future in real terms.