Do I just have to accept that sex will always be painful?

[roseapothecary]

Since having DS2 last year sex has been really, really painful. I went to my GP about it, who couldn't find anything wrong and referred me to a gynaecologist. She suggested its maybe vaginismus. That was about 6 months ago. I'm now in a position where I am still having sex with my DH as I don't want to upset him, but it really hurts and is not enjoyable at all.
Has anyone else been through this and have any advice? Or do I just have to accept that sex will always be painful from now on?

You need to stop having sex. My little understanding is it won't get better like that.

Aw...confide in your DH. Tell him the truth. x

Hey! Aww I feel for you so much. I’m 31 now and I’ve been having painful sex since I was 17. It’s not painful every single time but the majority it is, and often it’s too painful to tolerate and we just can’t.

For me it’s related to my bladder and urethra as I have a chronic pain condition in those areas and obviously sex really irritates and hurts those organs.

It’s so bad for me I take morphine daily and certainly before and after sex. TTC was a difficult time and often involved just pleasing my OH and then (TMI) sticking it in for the finale.

What happened with the gynae referral? Did you get seen? On one hand I’d say don’t give up, for example if it’s vaginismus there is treatment such as dilators, you could also see the pain clinic for painkillers etc. Or might need more investigations to see what’s wrong. On the other hand I’ll warn you now it’s often not taken seriously especially if there’s no visible mechanical problem, you truly do have to be the squeaky wheel advocating for yourself and sometimes the end of the road is just painkillers but you’re nowhere near that yet.

Are you happy having painful sex anyway? Does your DH know it hurts? When I was younger I felt awful not having sex like I was a shit partner so would do it anyway for the guy and be in even more agony afterwards but I refuse now, and I’m with someone who actively can’t think of anything worse than having sex that’s hurting me. It can really damage a relationship having sex you don’t want because you’re in pain, you’re not a receptacle OP and if you still want to have a sex life there are non penetrative ways to maintain intimacy!

If I tell my DH though he'll know it's been painful all this time and probably be really upset. He would never push me to have sex if he knew. He does know about the original issue because when it first happened I would have to stop because of the pain, but I think maybe he thinks it's not that bad and I still enjoy it?
I did get referred to the gynaecologist, she is the one who suggested its vaginismus. She just printed off some information about it and that was it. I don't even know if it this as I can't understand what would have caused it when there was no issues in the previous 8 years.

Did the info give any advice on things to try? And if so, what have you tried? You need to go back to your GP as the issue hasn’t been resolved, and painful sex is a major problem that can cause a lot of issues in your life. It matters.

I would be honest with your OH. And tell him it’s gotten worse again recently (if you want to sugar the truth... I’d advise just being honest though tbh) but you’ve been persevering hoping it improves as you want the closeness but it’s more painful than enjoyable atm and you need to cool PIV while you figure out a way forward. If he’s a nice person he’ll maybe be hurt but will surely understand you thought you were doing the right thing for the two of you? Better than continuing with a lie and putting yourself through agony.

Are you breastfeeding? The hormonal changes can wreak havoc with lubrication (and sex drive).

I think you need to go back to your GP and get another referral for a second opinion. The gynaecologist suggested it 'maybe' vaginismus? Doesn't sound very thorough, you need to see someone else who will help you get to the bottom of it and really try to help you. Sounds like you were just fobbed off.