DH is turning into an unpleasant, grumpy old man....

[OvertiredandConfused]

...and I don’t know what to do

We’ve been together 22 years, married for 20 years. DD is 18 this month and DS will be 16. We both work full time in fairly big jobs. Our families and friends are all intertwined. We live close to my family and DH and my DF are involved in a community activity together.

Finances are okay, although no real savings and funding £16k per year for DD’s college fees and expenses will be a struggle (and a whole other thread).

I am disabled, progressively so. For a long time, I did the housework, cooking, laundry etc and was happy to do so. Now that’s almost impossible and lots more has fallen to DH. I get that is difficult and I have tried incredibly hard to compromise on what / when / how. DC have also done more, especially DD. Getting DS out of his room can be hard and DH is pretty hard on him and deliberately winds him up. I also pay for someone to come in for five hours a week, spread over three days, to do some of what I can’t.

We had a big family holiday last month, long anticipated to mark the end of exams. We rubbed along okay but I felt very lonely most of the time - I use a wheelchair and so was either in front or behind them because none of them like walking next to my chair.

Since we got home, DH has just got worse. He seems unhappy, distracted and resentful. He’s drinking more at the weekend (no more than a bottle of wine, but that’s quite a lot) and is even more unpleasant then. He is sarcastic, sneering and just unpleasant. He says there’s nothing to talk about and he can’t help not being as perfect as me.

It doesn’t feel bad enough to leave but I can’t live like this either. It will be much worse if DD does move out for Uni next month and I’ll be constantly caught between DH and DS with neither of them giving me the practical help that I need.

Really not sure what to do and need some outside perspective to help me see the wood for the trees.

Hi Op I didn’t want to read & run - I don’t know what practical advice I can give really apart from talking to your husband when he’s sober - does he realise how much your daughter does for you?

It sounds like a lonely life for you would he agree to go for counselling?

Also with your son has he received any support for his feelings about having a disabled parent and being a caregiver?

Perhaps short term, it's time to get a cleaner in twice or three times a week, just to keep things going that your daughter probably helped with.

Longer term, think about how you could manage without him. I'm assuming your son would be with you, would it be too much harder than in a difficult marriage?

I guess I'm suggesting you focus on the practical side, as that's something you can plan for. The emotional side is a whole other thing.

Otherwise, you'd need a complete overhaul of your relationship. Could you salvage it, do you think? Is there a chance that something good could come out of how you're feeling at this point and how things have been?

It probably has nothing to do with your disability... my husband of 20 years has become like this too and I am fairly hale and hearty. He's dissatisfied and makes little barbed comments too.Which has nothing to do with lack of money. Last night it was a comment if I just earned x amount more we'd be in the top 1% of earners in our country. Then he told our son, in front of me, that he understands his desire to be alone. Seriously, if you even look at Jeff Bezos behaviour (affair) and how he split with his wife of over 25 years, I think it's just one of those things some relationships go through.

20 years here too and I’m stronger & fitter now than when I was in my 20’s. I’m still getting this type of attitude from my DH. He’s grumpy, snipey, condescending and lashes out if he doesn’t get his own way. It’s like living with a giant, angry toddler. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t always been like this or I wouldn’t have married him! It seems like 20 years is some sort of weird number where they go a bit strange. I’m just doing my own thing. Interacting as little as possible, keeping fit, keeping active...I would suggest trying to extend your support network as much as possible. Get out to groups if you can. Book club etc. Stop relying on him for company/help.

If you moved out with DS, could you manage with that?

I suspect your DH would be like this even without your disability. Some people are just selfish and unpleasant, your disability gives him an excuse to be an arse.

Life is too short OP to live like this. Your DH should be supporting you, not making your life even harder

If you moved out with DS, could you manage with that?

I suspect your DH would be like this even without your disability. Some people are just selfish and unpleasant, your disability gives him an excuse to be an arse.

Life is too short OP to live like this. Your DH should be supporting you, not making your life even harder

If you moved out with DS, could you manage with that?

I suspect your DH would be like this even without your disability. Some people are just selfish and unpleasant, your disability gives him an excuse to be an arse.

Life is too short OP to live like this. Your DH should be supporting you, not making your life even harder

If you moved out with DS, could you manage with that?

I suspect your DH would be like this even without your disability. Some people are just selfish and unpleasant, your disability gives him an excuse to be an arse.

Life is too short OP to live like this. Your DH should be supporting you, not making your life even harder

If you moved out with DS, could you manage with that?

I suspect your DH would be like this even without your disability. Some people are just selfish and unpleasant, your disability gives him an excuse to be an arse.

Life is too short OP to live like this. Your DH should be supporting you, not making your life even harder

If you moved out with DS, could you manage with that?

I suspect your DH would be like this even without your disability. Some people are just selfish and unpleasant, your disability gives him an excuse to be an arse.

Life is too short OP to live like this. Your DH should be supporting you, not making your life even harder

Sorry, don't know why it's posted more than once

You work full time and have always done the housework and cooking as well? Christ op. He's been a wanker for a lot longer than you're giving him credit for..

I'd work out a way to leave and get help in.

His commute is much longer than mine - 35 minutes each way for me against almost 2 hours each way for him. It was my choice to do stuff when I was at home and he wasn't so our weekends would be free. I didn't resent doing stuff when I was able, but I do resent him not doing more now.

Pebble and user it sounds similar. If I was more independent I think I'd just crack on for a while, doing more stuff myself and see if he improved. If he didn't, I'd leave. But the cracking on and leaving are both much harder in my position....

DH went through a 'is this all Ive got to show for my life' spell. Mind you he is still pretty grumpy and selfish,imv, 20 years later.
Too bad you don't have savings. Makes it difficult to split Up.
Being nice and doing more than your share won't make him change. I wouldn't get between DS and him. Better to let DS the miserable individual he does not want to be as an adult.

Have you ever talked about your health and the impact on the family? It seems pretty awful for you that they are "ashamed" of your need for a wheelchair.

Are you planning to continue working fulltime or are their options to reduce hours. Do you have pension plans?

His commute seems untenable, perhaps when he was younger it was more achievable but doing 4 hours each day he must be exhausted. Jed Diamond has articles on irritable male syndrome which seems to fit the stereotype of the grumpy older man but given the stresses you both have it's not surprising anyone feels irritable.

Your ds seems to be struggling, is he doing ok on school? Such as seeing friends.

We've had lots of conversations about the impact of my health and all of us needing to adjust. I still feel guilty about bringing this to them, but less than I used to. I am also mindful that I need to give the DC the choice to step up if they want to without limiting their opportunities.

Ironically, working is the one thing I can still do well. My physical environment is appropriate and I sit at a desk / PC / in meetings and can do all of that very well. My challenge is to find things I can do out of work!

DH giving up the commute into London isn't an option without a huge salary drop - the sort that would require downsizing and probable relocation. We don't want to do that until DC have at least finished school and, ideally, Uni. Five to seven years time has always been his plan. He's out of the house from 0715 to 1930 Monday to Friday.

We do have pensions. DH's much better than mine, but we do both have them. Also lots of equity in the house, although only useful if downsizing or relocating. Mortgage will be paid in 7 years. So, long-term finances are okay, together or apart, it's 'just' the next 5 years or so!

DS is fine at school - bit lacking in motivation but no less than many boys his age. He sees friends and is in a football team and is also a registered referee.