Making love in your 50’s

[Bellelou]

A little delicate this, but please bare with me.
I’m just wondering if my expectations of an active sex life are too high because of my past?
I was married for 25 years before my marriage ended. I was never really that ‘into sex’ with my XH, I just presumed I had a low sex drive. Fast forward a few years and I’m now in my mid fifties. I’ve been with my current DP for about 4 years. In the beginning the love making was frequent and great and I felt for the first time in my life I enjoyed sex and wanted it often!
As the years have gone on, it’s obviously slowed down a bit, but now it’s almost ground to a halt!
we don’t live together, although we do have plans to do so in the next year or so. We usually see each other 3-4 times a week either staying at his or mine. Just recently it’s always me who initiates love making and often when I start to get ‘romantic’ he clearly isn’t interested!
Having come from a marriage where we were sexually incompatible and I often felt like I was being ‘pestered’ for sex, I am acutely aware that I don’t want to come across like that to my DP. So it’s not like I’m jumping him at every opportunity!
This morning again he just wasn’t interested and the last time we made love was 3 weeks ago. I tried to talk to him about it, I wondered if it was because I’d put on a bit of weight, I’m not talking about loads of weight but I am self conscious about my weight!
He shut the conversation right down, of course it wasn’t my weight, there wasn’t anyone else and but basically sex isn’t /shouldn’t be such an important issue! and then he refused to discuss it further and I almost felt like I was wrong to want that closeness. I am beginning to wonder if he is the one with the problem? He works long hours and is often tired, but we’d had a nice relaxing weekend together and in the last three weeks since we’ve not made love, we’ve had two short breaks away which were relaxing too?
I almost feel cheated that having found my love that we’ve missed the boat as far as having an active love life.
I wouldn’t consider breaking up with him over this but I’m just wondering now if in my mid fifties I’m a bit abnormal and trying to recapture my lost youth,20s, 30s and 40s and should I just accept that people in their 50s don’t make love that often?
I’m quite naive having only ever slept with my XH before my current partner. Do any of you older mumsnetters have any advice for me?

There's no right or wrong answer. Some in their 50s are at it like rabbits, others not so much. Does OH know you'd like it more often? It's a reasonable question especially at our time of life!

Well, it's interesting to me that his inability to communicate is mirroring his physicality towards you: in both cases, he is shutting down your approach to him.

It seems like he's checked out, and I'd be ending it. Many, if not most, relationships do not last. There's nothing wrong with that. It's the hanging around in hope that things will improve that keeps so many people trapped in an obligation long after any semblance of a relationship has disappeared.

I would be more concerned about the refusal to discuss it. In my opinion that is a very unhealthy sign in a relationship.

I genuinely don’t think he’s checking out of our relationship. We’re about to make a big joint financial commitment to buying a place to do up and live in together and in every way we get on great. The rest of our relationship is really good. I know if he didn’t want us to be together he would say because that’s his way, he doesn’t sugarcoat things, it just wouldn’t be his style to let things drag on.
And I don’t understand him shutting down conversation about it, because we usually discuss everything. I get the feeling it’s more that he’s embarrassed because he has some sort of physical problem? Or embarrassed that I mentioned it?

Either way you need to sort it before you regret your big decision- if he really cares he will discuss it

Maybe he is experiencing ED and is reluctant to try in fear of not being up to the job ?

Sounds like you need to join the dots for him. Tell him that your big decisions for your joint future are being affected by 1) the lack of intimacy and 2) him shutting down conversations about it.

He needs to understand these things go hand in hand. He can’t expect your plans to roll on while he ignores your (very reasonable) needs. He needs to come up with a proactive plan to address problems like this between you. That should include a full medical checkup, and a good hard look at his workload (plus any other lifestyle factors affecting his libido).

Men can lose their sex drive just the same as women can, I just think they're less likely to want to discuss it.

There doesn't have to be a particular reason, and certainly not one that is anything to do with your attractiveness or weight, I'm sure.

50s isn’t that old so it’s not age per se, but he might be feeling his age...or something. I think you are going to have a talk with him that you are bothered by the lack of physical intimacy and do not want it to stop (you find him attractive and fancy him blah blah) and is there anything that’s changed for him? Are you prepared to accept things as they are? If not you need to tell him.

He could very well need testosterone treatment. The fact he refuses to discuss it is the real issue.

YAnbu. I’m your age and I wouldn’t expect such a notable change in pace without a conversation on how to solve it. And definitely not to be shut down like that. He should be able to trust you by now.

I’d hesitate jointly buying a home, and I’d be looking for the other woman.

Is he on antidepressants? Has any blood pressure issues? Diabetes? Does he watch a lot of porn? I'd rule out health issues and then I'd focus on his porn usage. So many posts recently with men choosing porn over sex and keeping it a secret...

OP, TMI, but I'm nearer 60 than 50, and would quite happily DTD 2- 3 times a week, and porn does very little / nothing for me, but everybody is different.

However, it does sound like he has changed in some way. Have things changed for him? Is he intimate in other ways? (hugs, kisses etc) if so, it could be an ED / testosterone thing. TMI from you, but when you initiate, and he does reciprocate, does he struggle to get / keep an erection?

Sex is important - at least to you, so I would seriously consider holding off on any major joint decision until you sort this out to your satisfaction (iyswim..)

I would treat this very seriously. The big issue is the shutting you down and making you feel you are in the wrong on some level. If he was on the same page as you he would be fixing it or talking to you about it.

He's not. So what's going on? Interesting that this is happening just as you are about to make a big commitment. I would hold off because being with someone who witholds intimacy is a very painful situation. And in my experience it's not easy to solve.

I was with someone 20 years who checked out sexually for the last 6 or so. I tried everything, nothing worked and honest conversation was blocked. Turned out he still loved me but had ceased to fancy me. I thought it was so much more complex than it actually was.

I also had a boyfriend for 9 months last year. Sex was brilliant then it got weird, with him avoiding it, but denying he was avoiding it...in retrospect I believe he had a phone/porn habit and his default preference for this was setting in. I was gone like a shot. We were about to move in together. Thank god I got out.

Listen to how you are feeling. He is doing that, and if he is happy for you to suffer in silence and refuse communication, then is this how you want to go on?

OP, in your situation, the fact he wouldn’t discuss it would concern me the most.

Sex at any age varies a lot in how often. However I think as we get older a lot experiences changes - menopause for us, testosterone changes/ED for guys. Personally, someone who wasn’t interested in sex would be a deal breaker for me...but then, I had a crap sex life when I was married due to exH’s disinterest. And I like sex...and it was a veeeery long marriage! Just need to find the right guy who ticks all the boxes .

In any relationship it depends on what is important and how much give and take there is. Communication really is necessary to make things work. Hope he comes round to being able to talk about this.

I get what you’re saying but I actually think he shut down the conversation because he was embarrassed, the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that it’s a physical problem on his part. I will revisit the subject and try to get him to open up.
Like I say in my original post I am not looking to break up with him over this, I was just interested to know if my expectations were skewed because of my newly awakened desires.
averageguy when he does respond he has no difficulty holding an erection, it’s the getting him to respond but that’s the problem iyswim

I have a single friend in her early 70s and she gets more action than me!! Seriously though, there is no right or wrong in terms of what is 'normal' but I also agree that for him to just shut down the conversation isn't fair. Before you make this big committment I would sit him down and insist you talk about it as its important to you. If its important to you then it should be to him.

TMI, and I'll probably get flamed, but have you tried different ways to get him to respond? Do you know if he has any fantasies for instance? (I'm thinking things like school girl / nurse / French maid etc) Would it be worth spending a little money to try and move things along? Of course, whilst shopping, you could always get something for yourself, iyswim 

If OP's dp fantasies are school girls then lack of sex are the least of her worries.

You do nothing to help the bad reputation men have. Do you really need to be on mumsnet? 🤢

"My partner won't talk to me about sex"
"Have you considered dressing as a schoolgirl"

Hard eye roll.