Is my dp an alcoholic?

[char861]

DP drinks every evening, usually a bottle of wine or a few cans of lager. there has been the odd day when he hasnt bothered but seriously is drinking in the evening every day ebing alcohol dependent because im starting to think it is. I have a 2 yr old son and 3 months pregnant so I dont drink ever. am i over reacting or is this the slippery road to danger.

Hmmm, i personally wouldn't say he's an alcoholic as i used to drink a whole bottle of wine to myself every night too. This was mostly out of habit tho. Get home from work, crack open the wine. Almost a substitute for giving up smoking.

However, it's not very good to be drinking that amount every day so maybe you could try and coax him into a "health kick", which would of course eliminate booze during the week, but allow for it at the weekends? You can lose loads of weight by giving up the vino. It's sooooo fattening!

Sorry i cant be of any more help, but just going on my own experience.

Maybe not an alcolholic but it is def a habit (and one that we are guilty of much of the time in our house). If he is drinking to get through the day I think that is another thing.

yeah thinks its a habit really. and he has piled on the weight so it's probably the wine. Might be noticing it more too as im not drinking..
thanks

To be honest Char, it has all the hallmarks of dependency.

Why don't you suggest (as a way of managing weight as well as reducing alcohol consumption) a no-drinking midweek policy? Lots of people do that. Means they can't drink on a "school night".

Tell him it's costing far too much money or some other excuse to get him to not booze during the week.

Good luck!

i just got back from taking my friend to a drug and alcohol counselling triage session

the counsellor and her worked out that she drinks 50 units a week, but said she was by no means an alcoholic, and referred her to a different centre, as she said that one was fro really serious cases

she advised her to cut to 25 units a week and gave her advice on how to do that, saying she had done the right thing to seek help tho

i'm really proud of her

When did he start drinking like this, has he always liked drinking in such a manner?.

An alcoholic is someone who is dependent on alcohol. I would also say his behaviour has all the hallmarks of dependency; alcoholism is also insidious in its onset.

Has he come from a family who drink heavily, if so this may also be a factor.

Also what example is he setting his 2 year old child?. Growing up in a household where one parent is dependent on alcohol is no fun at all. He needs to be considered as well as well as your own self and that of your unborn.

How does he feel about his drinking, has he made any comment to the effect that he may be having difficulties?. How does he react to any comments re his drinking you make?.

Will he be willing and or able to have a few alcohol free days?. Bingeing like this will do him no favours at all, it will cause him harm.

I would speak to Al-anon; they are good with families and could help you clarify things in your own mind. If you are worried then I think you are right to be concerned.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

Well done, Lou's friend.

Just a bit of information on alcohol units to put it into perspective. Sorry if you know all this already.

One small (125 ml) glass of wine at 9% is one unit. So a standard bottle of wine would be around 6 units if the wine is 9% alcohol. It's worth saying that an awful lot of wines are stronger than that.

So if your DP drinks a bottle of wine a night, that is at least 42 units a week, maybe more.

The recommended maximum for men is 21 units a week.

I would call that a alcohol dependancy rather than alcoholic.

My Ex is what I would call a borderline alcoholic - he drank EVERY day. I did a quiz online on his behalf and it confirm my suspicions. I can;t find a link to the test that I did for him but it did confirm that he had a problem.

As others have said try to get your dp to cut down by having alcohol free days etc as it is not fun living with some one who prefers alcohol to family life as my ex did (and lets face it still does!)

honestly it doesn't sound like it. unless by a few cans of lager you mean 10-15 or more, if it is more in the 4-6 range it is probably just his way of unwinding.
does he then binge at the weekend?
doesn't sound like an alcohol problem to me (just out of experience,absolutely no professional expertise here) but it is deffo not healthy.

Let's be clear here, there is a significant difference between someone who is a regular drinker, someone who has a level of dependency on alcohol and someone who is an alcoholic.

From what you've said, it certainly does not sound like your DP is an alcoholic, which is characterised by, amongst other things: drink affecting social and working life, drinking to excess (i.e. solely to get drunk or to point of blacking out), drinking anti-socially (particularly during the day) and/or having medical problems as a result of drinking. Alcoholics Anonymous have an online test should you wish to check for yourself.

In terms of regular drinking vs. alcohol dependency, I suspect it's a fine line. The Times a few weeks ago carried an article pretty much about this, middle class drinking (you can find it on Times Online).

What is clear from the article is that many middle class men and women do drink regularly in excess of the advised amounts and they drink every day (or almost every day) either at home in the evenings or socially with friends so your DP is certainly not dissimilar to many others out there. On a more personal note, myself and DW drink pretty much every evening, usually just a glass or two of wine with dinner, and most of our friends drink broadly similar amounts.

At this stage, I guess there are three questions. Firstly, in your heart, do you think he really has a serious or growing dependency on alcohol to an extent which may cause problems for your lives together (check the Al-Anon site for better guidance than me on this!)? Secondly, is his drinking causing lower scale problems for you (e.g. finds it harder to get up at night if DS wakes up, has less energy for activities at the weekend). Finally, does his level of drinking bother you in itself, just because it does?

I'd suggest, if it's the first two cases, then clearly you need to speak to him. If it's the third, you can still clearly speak to him, but it would be worth thinking through exactly why it is bothering you so you can tell him clearly.

Yes I agree there is a distinction between a heavy drinker and a dependent drinker. I also think there is a distinction between being a dependent drinker and an alcoholic.

The trouble that I experienced from social wine-drinking is that I became dependent upon it. I would not have called myself an alcoholic but I certainly had a dependency on alcohol.

In this instance, someone who is regularly drinking more than twice the recommended weekly maximum is certainly drinking heavily and that level of drinking has the hallmarks of dependency. It is something to take great care about.

There is a very good thread on this which I can link to if you are interested, char. Also just be aware that it is fatally easy to get to a position of alcohol dependency. Just see whether or not it is easy for your DP to abstain midweek.

To be perfectly honest, I think people draw these imaginary lines between "social drinker" "dependent" and "alcoholic" just to make themselves feel better about their own consumption.

You can be an alcoholic regardless of the amount you drink, it's the motivation for drinking that is indicative of a problem rather than say, drinking over x number of units each week. In this case units counting is not helpful and many people end up further into the throes of alcoholism because they are stuck in this kind of denial.

That is one of the biggest sypmtoms of alcoholism. I know, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself and I'm surrounded by family members who are at various stages themselves. Unfortunately one of them was my late husband, who killed himself, after not getting recovery.

It's an insidious disease and no-one can diagnose anyone else's problem by units alone. If it's causing you problems, if he finds it difficult to stop, can't only have one, then it's likely he has a drink problem, regardless if you find the term "alcoholic" unpalatable or not.

As for your husband, the best thing you could do is speak to him about it, ask him to cut it down and if he reacts badly to this, you know that there is a bigger issue there.

I would second giving Al-Anon a call, but not before you speak to him about your concerns. Well done for asking for advice, if your life is affected by his drinking then you need support too.

That came across a lot harsher than I meant it too actually, I've just seen so much devastation wreaked by drinking that it is something very close to me. I know all the excuses, all the bargainning that is done and it's painful to think that others might be going through the same thing.

I would just ask you to please consider how your drinking does affect you, because the end-point is no fun for anyone. I've seen too many people die from this disease to take it lightly. No offence meant to anyone.

I am glad to see you on this thread Kokeshi - nearly catted you to come talk on here - you know so much about the subject and are such a mine of information. You did not come across harshly at all.

There is one test you mentioned - I know there are many - but it was something involving answering five questions - do you have that to hand?

Hi Quattrocento, nice to see you again! I think you're referring to the CAGE questionnaire was developed by Dr. John Ewing, founding director of the Bowles Center for Alcohol Studies, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. CAGE is an internationally used assessment instrument for identifying problems with alcohol. 'CAGE' is an acronym formed from the italicised letters in the questionnaire (cut-annoyed-guilty-eye).

Here's an entry by an NHS doctor, and his trouble with diagnosing an "alcoholic"

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"What is an alcoholic?

It may seem strange for an experienced doctor to say what I am about to say, but here goes anyway.

I do not know what the word ?alcoholic? means.

I used to know before I was a doctor. It meant someone who was addicted to alcohol. Someone who had a physical craving so great that he started drinking as soon as he got out of his bed and continued until he collapsed back into it. It meant a dirty unshaven man lying in the gutter clutching a brown paper bag with a bottle inside it, singing, swearing and vomiting. It meant that sad man who, many years ago when I was a student, grabbed me outside the chemist and asked if I would go in and buy him some methylated spirits.

I suppose all these people are stereotypical alcoholics. I do not see patients like that.

The problem about the word ?alcoholic? is that people assume that if they do not fit into this stereotypical image, there cannot be problem.

?Alcoholic? does not encompass the housewives whom I stand behind in the supermarket. Three bottles of the cheapest white wine and a tin of cat food.

?Alcoholic? does not encompass that eminent QC who drinks two or three bottles of claret every night. Only first growths, don?t you know.

Some years ago a 48 year old police officer, a chief superintendent no less, came to see me.

?When I was shaving this morning, I noticed the whites of my eyes were yellow.?

They were too. He did not feel ill. Going through his history, we came to alcohol. He drank three quarters of a bottle of whiskey every night. He had done that for twenty five years. He never got drunk. He had never had a day off work. He was in liver failure.

?Could you stop drinking?? I asked.

Yes. No problem, doc. And he did. Immediately. Without difficulty. His liver still failed. He had a transplant. He is back at work. He has not drunk since.

Was he an alcoholic? Is the QC an alcoholic? Are all the housewives drinking cheap supermarket wine alcoholics?

I do not think it is a helpful word. I have stopped using it in a medical context. ?Excessive drinking.? ?Alcohol related problem?. Whatever. This is easier. And less pejorative.

How do you know if you have an alcohol problem? If you are asking yourself that question, you probably do have one. But, if in doubt, ask yourself the four CAGE questions.

1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

Two positives and you are in trouble.

If you cannot face your doctor, have a look at Dryblog, the best and least threatening internet resource for heavy drinkers.

Highly recommended."