I'm a vile human. Please help.

[NameChanje]

I have NCd for this. I really need some help and some sense of direction. I'm deeply depressed and I keep causing arguments with my DP. Everything he says or does I take it the wrong way and start getting funny with him. It then ends up us arguing and me walking out. I don't know how to stop being this way. All I crave is love and affection and I know me doing this is pushing him away.

He has done some things in this relationship which I'm finding hard to forgive and I think I hold a lot of resentment towards him. Sometimes the arguments last for days and then we have a really good few days. I always think that I can't imagine things being bad again and then before I know it I've opened my mouth. I hate myself for doing this and I'm scared to lose him. I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I think there is something seriously wrong. I saw the GP this week who has recommended I put up my anti depressants.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Please help

Yes, I used to be like that. I had childhood anger issues that I was taking out on DH, simply because he was there in the house with me and my parents weren't.

I had a LOT of therapy to resolve it, had it out with my parents and redirected my anger at them as they deserved it not DH.

That helped to a certain extent but not completely. I was having mood swings which, during the 'high' stage made me impatient, snappy, rude. Eventually after going round in circles for ages with health 'professionals' I got diagnosed with bipolar 2, started taking the correct medication, rather than the useless anti depressants I'd been on for years. And now finally I am coming close to being 'normal'.

Not getting angry, not taking things the wrong way and getting into an argument aa a result etc etc.

It has been a long long journey to get here.

Can you give some examples of the things you are “finding hard to forgive”?

He has done some things in this relationship which I'm finding hard to forgive and I think I hold a lot of resentment towards him

For example?

Did they offer any counselling with the antidepressants? Sometimes counselling is a lot more helpful.

What has he done that you are finding it hard to forgive?

@dimsum123 it's interesting you say that. I believe a lot of my behaviours come from my childhood. I was physically and emotionally abused. Well what I class as it anyway. Shown no affection from parents. Smacked with objects like a belt, wooden spoon. My mother always shouted when communicating and always seems in a bad mood, going off on one for no reason. I used to joke she had bipolar but looking at symptoms the manic state didn't fit in. I fear I'm turning into her. But now just looking at bipolar 2 that does fit more with myself and her.

I'm really scared now. I've got a 2 year old DD. Single parent but also work full time. I have been under the mental health team previously before she was born.

He has had trust issues which has lead to him being controlling towards me. He has been getting help for this and it has now stopped mostly. I'm struggling to forgive him for what he's done. I feel it's contributed to my depression as I felt so suffocated. He keeps saying I can't take it out on him forever. Looking back most of my relationships have ended with me being this way but if I didn't lose my shit over the tinyist thing then things would be much more harmonious.

I have previously had CBT and counselling around 4 years ago when I tried to commit suicide. I have been on antidepressants since. Reduced them in pregnancy and felt mostly fine when single for 2 years.

Bizarre to me that as soon as I start getting close to someone, I start becoming mentally unbalanced. Could this be to do with my childhood?

Bizarre to me that as soon as I start getting close to someone, I start becoming mentally unbalanced. Could this be to do with my childhood?

It's more likely you're picking controlling abusive men to be honest. Which is understandable given your upbringing and MH issues.

You are however almost certainly not a vile human being. Are you a good parent? Understanding of your child's emotional needs? Comforting them when they cry? If so, then you're a great human being.

I think a period of being single, seeking out therapy, medication if necessary, and doing the Freedom Programme to understand and recognise questionable behaviour in others would be hugely beneficial.

Think about separating from your partner, it's likely he's hindering your recovery not helping.

So you have a 2 year old. You were a single mum for a while you met dp he was controlling, has and now he's reformed. Well it doesn't seem from the timeline that he could've been reformed long.
He keeps saying I can't take it out on him forever

it has now stopped mostly mostly?

Oh God the typos^^ sorry

Yes I do believe I am a good parent and I treat my DD in every way I wished I was treated. I worry about how my moods may affect her though. I don't want her seeing me stressed out.

It may be true about seeking these men out however there have been relationships when this hasn't been the case and I've still acted like this. I feel totally in love for the first couple of months and then suddenly I start waking up in a bad mood for no apparent reason.

From Monday for example we had a great week,, everything perfect. Friday I woke up in a foul mood. Instantly snapped at him for him asking me something and then it carried on until Saturday morning. Yesterday blissfully happy til lunch time today and I snapped at him out of ear shot of the kids that his DD didn't appreciate our surprise day out and all she was interested in was playing on the play area. He told me to leave it and then it just set me off. I can get so nasty too and I hate it. I know it makes it worse and the cycle goes on. I don't feel worthy of a good relationship and I know he's had his faults but I do believe with the support he's had he realises what he did was wrong. He had even said it to me.

I just wish I was normal

OP, have you discussed in depth what you're going through with your partner? In all honesty, you are abusing him and it is not fair at all. Do you not think it may be better that you leave the relationship and work on yourself and address the issues you do have? Make getting yourself better a priority, you cannot continue to live like this, for your own sake as well as your daughters.

If your husband is willing to stick it out with you, then that is his choice, but if there's things you cannot forgive him for, it may be best that you do leave. Every person has their limit, and it may be he decides enough is enough one day and leave himself. Emotionally and verbally abusing him is going to do him harm too and it is not just to treat another person like this.

Speak to your GP, explain how it's affecting you and your relationships. Depending where you are, most boroughs do offer free counselling via IAPT. I'm not sure if you have access to this?

Best of luck.

I was abused too, emotionally and psychology, no love or affection, no attention, never knew what sort of mood my dad would be in, Mr Nice or Mr Nasty or Angry from day to day. Mum buried her head in the sand, pretended everything was fine.

All of that absolutely led to mental illness as an adult including having a breakdown, on the verge of suicide. The anger, unable to regulate my emotions causing relationship issues.

I'm now taking lamotrigine. It has been amazing, am much more stable now although the therapy was very important too.

I agree with titchy

The most important people here are you and your DD, who is very small. If you were better when you were single, and your DP was controlling of you to the extent that you still resent him (and I can understand that), then it is honestly the best thing to walk away from the relationship and focus on your own healing.

I actually wonder if your DP’s controlling behaviour has re-traumatised you after your upbringing. I do not think you are a vile person at all but this relationship is not bringing out the best in you. Take some time for yourself. It sounds like you have had a traumatic upbringing, a relationship where you have ended up a single parent, then very quickly a relationship with someone who is controlling and also bringing his DC into the picture - that is an awful lot to deal with and it sounds like you need a break.

Yes I have discussed with him what I’m going through. I’ve told him about my childhood and how I was treated. I always break down and cry after because I feel so bad about my behaviour. I don’t want to hurt him or push him away. I’ve said quite a few times that I want to leave or have space but he doesn’t want that. I’ve given him advice on what to do to help me when I get like that although he doesn’t follow that often.

I am on the waiting list for mind for more counselling which should be coming up very soon now. I fear this isn’t going to be completely enough for the problems I’ve got. Last time they talked me through how to deal with my family and their behaviours now, they didn’t go deep into what happened in childhood and how it’s affected me. I guess I can display some controlling behaviours myself and I don’t know why that is. I know the difference between rights and wrong. What I don’t want to do is put myself single which will make me slightly more level as this problem will just continue into future relationships anyway. I need to deal with this issue once and for all. I do not want my child thinking my behaviour is normal like I did with my mother. I do try and shield her from it as much as possible.

I’m trying as much as possible to think calmly and try and get myself in the right mindset. As I’ve stated previously it literally comes out of nowhere, before I know what’s going on it’s happening. Then I can’t let it go. Then sometimes as quick as it’s started it’s stopped and I can be normal and loving and think positively about the future.

Dimsum I’m sorry to hear about you experience. Do you mind telling me how you went about getting your diagnosis? I’ve started looking at a mood diary since your post yesterday and I definitely feel bipolar 2 fits in with what I’m experiencing. I will keep this diary everyday now until I next see my doctor.

I agree this relationship is not bringing out the best in me. I just want to feel like a normal person. When I’m around my parents now I very much go back into childlike mode. My mother rarely asks how I am or what I’ve been up to. Shows very little interest. Always acts like I’ve offended her. Sometimes she comes across really lovely and happy. I just wish I had answers for all of this.

Yes I have discussed with him what I’m going through. I’ve told him about my childhood and how I was treated. I always break down and cry after because I feel so bad about my behaviour. I don’t want to hurt him or push him away. I’ve said quite a few times that I want to leave or have space but he doesn’t want that. I’ve given him advice on what to do to help me when I get like that although he doesn’t follow that often.

I am on the waiting list for mind for more counselling which should be coming up very soon now. I fear this isn’t going to be completely enough for the problems I’ve got. Last time they talked me through how to deal with my family and their behaviours now, they didn’t go deep into what happened in childhood and how it’s affected me. I guess I can display some controlling behaviours myself and I don’t know why that is. I know the difference between rights and wrong. What I don’t want to do is put myself single which will make me slightly more level as this problem will just continue into future relationships anyway. I need to deal with this issue once and for all. I do not want my child thinking my behaviour is normal like I did with my mother. I do try and shield her from it as much as possible.

I’m trying as much as possible to think calmly and try and get myself in the right mindset. As I’ve stated previously it literally comes out of nowhere, before I know what’s going on it’s happening. Then I can’t let it go. Then sometimes as quick as it’s started it’s stopped and I can be normal and loving and think positively about the future.

Dimsum I’m sorry to hear about you experience. Do you mind telling me how you went about getting your diagnosis? I’ve started looking at a mood diary since your post yesterday and I definitely feel bipolar 2 fits in with what I’m experiencing. I will keep this diary everyday now until I next see my doctor.

I agree this relationship is not bringing out the best in me. I just want to feel like a normal person. When I’m around my parents now I very much go back into childlike mode. My mother rarely asks how I am or what I’ve been up to. Shows very little interest. Always acts like I’ve offended her. Sometimes she comes across really lovely and happy. I just wish I had answers for all of this.

Yes I have discussed with him what I’m going through. I’ve told him about my childhood and how I was treated. I always break down and cry after because I feel so bad about my behaviour. I don’t want to hurt him or push him away. I’ve said quite a few times that I want to leave or have space but he doesn’t want that. I’ve given him advice on what to do to help me when I get like that although he doesn’t follow that often.

I am on the waiting list for mind for more counselling which should be coming up very soon now. I fear this isn’t going to be completely enough for the problems I’ve got. Last time they talked me through how to deal with my family and their behaviours now, they didn’t go deep into what happened in childhood and how it’s affected me. I guess I can display some controlling behaviours myself and I don’t know why that is. I know the difference between rights and wrong. What I don’t want to do is put myself single which will make me slightly more level as this problem will just continue into future relationships anyway. I need to deal with this issue once and for all. I do not want my child thinking my behaviour is normal like I did with my mother. I do try and shield her from it as much as possible.

I’m trying as much as possible to think calmly and try and get myself in the right mindset. As I’ve stated previously it literally comes out of nowhere, before I know what’s going on it’s happening. Then I can’t let it go. Then sometimes as quick as it’s started it’s stopped and I can be normal and loving and think positively about the future.

Dimsum I’m sorry to hear about you experience. Do you mind telling me how you went about getting your diagnosis? I’ve started looking at a mood diary since your post yesterday and I definitely feel bipolar 2 fits in with what I’m experiencing. I will keep this diary everyday now until I next see my doctor.

I agree this relationship is not bringing out the best in me. I just want to feel like a normal person. When I’m around my parents now I very much go back into childlike mode. My mother rarely asks how I am or what I’ve been up to. Shows very little interest. Always acts like I’ve offended her. Sometimes she comes across really lovely and happy. I just wish I had answers for all of this.

Don't know why it's posted 3 times. I really wish I had someone in real life to talk to.

Sometimes, certain relationships bring out the worst in us. I've definitely struggled when I've been with someone who ultimately wasn't right for me. I've blamed myself, constantly, because I've felt like I'm not normal, that my messed up past has made me behave badly, etc... but actually the other person had traits that drew out those negative behaviours. Not that it was always their fault, it was just not a good combination. It does sound like maybe you just need some space to work through things without adding all this guilt into the mix. You are not a vile human x

I'm not armchair diagnosing here or anything but you sound like me before I got my BPD diagnosis and proper medication. I was angry and resentful all the time, self harming, suicidal and just had these massive attacks of anger and pure rage that honestly scared the hell out me.
It's all been linked back to my childhood - I was pretty much abandoned by my mother who moved on to make new families that I was never part of(Father never on the scene until I was 14 then a shit dad anyway and not on the scene anymore).

You need a psychiatrist referal and you will have to fight for it. I only got mine when the police took me to A&E when my neighbours called them because I was screaming blue murder at my poor DH then told them I was suicidal.

You're not a vile human being, you are more than likely unwell and you need help. Recognising that fact is what means you aren't the vile person you think you are.

Yes, if you can chase some help, that would be the best way forward.

Toddlers have their challenges, I'm not denying, but they are not complicated - you can easily distract them and manage them. As dc get older the challenges of parenting are quite different, and unless you get something in place and really address this, you could find yourself not being the parent you want to be. You could find triggers as she reaches particular ages/stages.

Also, she will pick up on your moods and the way you treat your dh, no matter how well you think you conceal it.

Reapers very sorry to hear your story.

Thank you for the advice. I had ended up in hospital before around 4/5 years ago when I was suicidal and the ambulance and police came. I was then put under the mental health team but I think at the time because I was in an abusive relationship I/we put it down to that and when I left I started to feel much better. But it’s apparent to me that I always get these outbursts even when I’ve been on my own or when I’m with someone who isn’t abusive.

Any idea how I can go about getting referred to a psychiatrist without calling them when I’m in a crisis? I’m scared to death what will happen to my DD if I get sent to hospital.

Category - I do believe you are right. I do really struggle sometimes anyway as this age bores the hell out of me. But I’m lucky she’s good in sleeping and eating etc. I don’t want to ruin the outgoing bubbly child she is.