Affair, Dementia, guilt & heartbreak

[airhostess]

Hi,
My father has Dementia. My partner had a affair a few years ago, we are trying to work things through. My mother said to me on the phone the other night that he would of loved to have walked me down the aisle. The same call I heard him slurring his words as he’s getting progressively worse.
I’m secretly braking my heart, I can’t discuss it. I believe you should get asked to marry by someone who wants you to not because you feel pressured, hence I don’t put pressure on. In fact I don’t even know if I want to marry the man. I would of loved for him to walk me down the aisle, that will never happen in his life time now.
I’m also cross with my mother, for even saying it knowing what I’ve been through. She’s about emotionally engaged as a brick.
Thoughts?

So you are thinking of marrying a partner who has been unreliable just so your ill father can walk you down the aisle which he may not even remember for long?
It's touchingly lovely that you want him to do this, but really not right that you potentially hook up with the wrong man just to achieve a dream your father had before his brain started to go faulty.
I'm sorry your father is going through this, dementia is very cruel, and affects the whole family.

You shouldn't get married in order to fulfill this wish for your Dad.
Are you still able to have a conversation with your Dad? Maybe you could ask him to write you a note you could read from him when you do get married, so he will know that he will be with you on that day - if and when, it happens?

I suspect that your father would rather not walk you down the aisle at all than walk you down the aisle to the wrong man - all he will want is for you to be happy, loved and secure.

Your mother was thoughtless at best, and at worst quite cruel.

OP, you know the answer to this. Don't get married to a man you aren't sure about just because your dad might enjoy walking you down the aisle.

I’m not getting married for the foreseeable, there is no question on that.
It just really upset me & made me feel incredibly guilty of not providing this occasion. It’s like saying something equivalent to someone that is struggling to have children.
Of course it would HAVE been lovely, but life doesn’t turn out exactly how you imagine does it.
She even followed up with would you marry him if he asked to which my was response was I don’t know. She sighed.
I agree to the first response, it’s quite cruel.
She just has no emotional filter.
Luckily I do, but it has really cut me to the core.

Is your mother always like this?

Frankly, she sounds awful. Is she emotionally unsafe to be around and do you think some form of low contact might be helpful?

You likely need some emotional space to make good choices for your life (e.g. about the cheating boyfriend).

An afterthought: how much of this is really her wanting to play mother of the bride? In other words, how much of her concern for your father is actually all about her?

Yes, always like this.
I live hundreds of miles away and she is currently not happy which was shown by zero contact for a month. I’m trying hard to build a career, children and move on so I can’t visit often. She also told me that I can’t stay with the children because it’s too much for my Dad with the noise, which I’ve accepted. So that limits how many times I can visit as it’s expensive. She’s not happy as I’ve said it’s too much for me to have them to stay here. She doesn’t play with the children, help and the children ramp it up for attention which I get. I also get very ill when they leave as emotionally it’s hard on many levels. They’ve visited for many years but now it’s too much for me as I have to be well to work. My children are very young and require a lot of attention at this age.
I just feel guilty.
She’s also very cross as I informed her GP and my Father’s social worker that I was concerned about carer breakdown last year and that is also a reason why she hasn’t contacted me for a month all these months on.
I think it’s attention seeking control on her part.
I’m learning to put myself first although that comes with guilt.