So frustrated with DC

[Gobolino80]

Long story but I'll try not to drip feed.
I have a stressful week coming up.
Monday - House viewing at 12 and then to meet the vicar for final arrangements for my Nans funeral which is on Thursday and then straight to funeral home to sort out order of service. My mum, her only child died 25 years ago so me and my brother are next of kin. Brother lives elsewhere so I'm doing majority of organising. And then to bar job in the evening.
Tues - eye injection which wipes out the rest of the day because my vision will be bad.
Weds - Day job and then straight to bar job in the evening
Thursday - Nan's funeral.

Two DC still live at home. DS nearly 21, DD 18. I have been asking them since Friday to tidy their rooms for house viewing on Monday and to sort out what they are wearing to the funeral so that I know it's clean and I don't get a phone call from either of them on Weds to say it doesn't fit, they don't have anything suitable. And just so I know it's done and I don't have to think about it
I finally lose my patience lose my morning and tell them I am sick of nagging about the room tidying before viewings and that they need to do it now and sort out their clothes for funeral. I've pointed out that they are both adults now and get a pretty easy ride at home. Both work full time pay £50 a week rent, which includes food etc. This is considerably less than they would be paying to rent just a room in our local area. DD just listens DS gets defensive and tells me not to tell him about how much it would cost to live elsewhere because it 'pisses him off' and no one should tell their child that they should leave. When I point out the state of his room he starts quoting that people with mental health problems ie depression, anxiety can't live tidily. He had some problems with anxiety a while ago which I fully supported him through, offered to pay for CBT etc, but he turned it down, he briefly tried anti depressants but didn't react well to them.
I said that that wasn't an excuse for the state of his bedroom or ignoring me when I ask him to tidy up. Now he's made me feel bad and that I'm being unreasonable. Help, any advice is appreciated.
I tried to explain to them that I need their help to make this week less stressful but all DS can do is be defensive.

Well, my DD16 has severe anxiety and depression - she couldn't tidy her room for months but she is under the psychiatrist so its a bit different. I think the majority of teens like to leave it all till the last minute (its a very selfish time of life!) - but what's the back story - are they moving on with you if you are buying a new place? Has this been a long term issue, are they generally disrespectful?

We're moving away and have given them both the opportunity to come with us but they've decided to stay here. DD has a room at her Dad and Step mums waiting for her, DS said he would look to find a house share which I've agreed to give him the money to set up.
They aren't bad people, I'm just sick of having to nag to get the few things done that I ask them to. They are adults now, not kids and I explained that I needed them to do what I ask so it's not left to the last minute as I have so much else to do this week.

They have until two hours before the viewing and if their rooms are presentable by then, you will do a quick tidy up tidy up by throwing their shit in the bin and charging them for the privilege. They will either make the effort to attend the funeral or not.

The issue is that you are expecting behaviours and a dynamic you’ve enabled to fundamentally change in an instant. Personally, I’d give notice to the 21 year old and make it clear to the 18 year old that you will no longer tolerating her shit.

A fundamental part of parenting is preparing our kids for the outside world and I can’t see the outside world embracing your kids selfish arses.

OP, I realise they are young adults, and young adults can be selfish.

The thing is you don't have to out up with it.

Considering how tough a week you have, and it really does sound tough, they really sound like selfish brats.

I would be very pissed off too.

Any wifi in the house?

Disconnect it and read them riot act.

The sooner they move on the better. Clearly they are very self absorbed and even during a very tough time for you, can't be helpful and kind.

I suggest you detach emotionally, read them the riot act and start making life a lot less comfortable for them.

I mean, no shopping for food at all. No washing etc.
Make life a lot less comfortable.

Self interest is the quickest way to get a change in attitude IMO in teens/young adults.

Are they putting it off so the viewing goes badly? I wonder if your sons logic is that if you don't sell the house, you can't leave?

They're both being dicks and need to grow up and fast!

I have severe anxiety and had left home by the time I was your sons age. I have a large house, a baby and a dog, and it's bloody clean!
Tell your son that people with MH problems can manage just fine, it's pure laziness that's the issue.

How about you say "You have until X time to clear your room, and after that I'm putting any mess in boxes in the garage, as I need it to be clean and don't have time to do it for you". Said in a factual way. And maybe suggest that if they can't manage to clean up, they can put their stuff in boxes in the garage themselves until the viewings are over.

I agree with those who have suggested that they childishly think the house won’t sell if there is mess and they are trying to sabotage the viewings. And the great comments about if they don’t tidy up 20mins (or whatever time you think) prior have a box or binbag ready to toss all their shit in and dump in the shed/outhouse/cupboard under the stairs etc. So the house is good for viewings. If they don’t like it tough. They can either stay elsewhere the next time there is a viewing or tidy up! If it wasn’t for the viewings I’d keep out of a teen’s bedroom providing the Keep money was paid as agreed. I would not do housework (incl washings etc) for them as I’ve dated a mummy’s boy like that who expected me to do it all. That relationship didn’t end well. Teens need to be able to look after themselves (and their own families in due course). Re funeral, they will come if they want to. Don’t be too gutted if they don’t. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you are ok. Good luck with everything this week.

I'd be pissed off too.

No WiFi, a roll of black bags and the promise that you'll bin most everything of its not done in x hours.

Don't engage about the cheapness of their living arrangements or the toughness of the week ahead, just repeat that this is what needs to happen. And maybe remind them that you'll treat them like children if they continue to act like children.

Trouble is, if you treat them like children they're more likely to act like children, too. Most people whose parents are still around know how it feels to go home and find yourself feeling and even acting like a naughty teenager, even if you're middle-aged! At 20 you can certainly appeal to them as a fellow adult and ask them to put themselves in your shoes ... remind them that you're just human too and they may not be the only one feeling anxious or depressed.

Sorry about your nan OP

Well at their age, they can wash and iron their clothes for the funeral themselves! Even my 4 year old lays out his own clothes for a special occasion?!

And don't nag them about their rooms, give them a deadline. Rooms need to be tidied before xyz or it's black bin bag time. No reminders, no nagging. Mean it and follow through. Turn off the WiFi while they're cleaning, so no distractions.

I think you're mothering them a bit too much. They need to take some responsibility for themselves. Give them chores, get them involved. Could they help with the funeral? The food shop?

I agree actually @ravenmum apart from the fact that they're already behaving like children, so they can't have it both ways!

My ds is 15, so a bit of a way off this stage, but it works pretty well when I remind him of his privelages and that withdrawing them would be pretty miserable!