Falling out of love ? So confused about it all :( advice please

[ineedaholidaynow121212]

I have been with my fiance for 4 years , he is 12 years older than me he is 40 I am 29 . We have one beautiful ds who is one year old and came as a complete surprise. We live in a 2 bedroom flat which he owns . When we first met the spark was amazing he had that manly status and he focused on us and we had fun and enjoyed our time

Now - he doesnt really do anything around the house , he will Hoover and wash up if I ask him about once a week, I do all the cooking , cleaning x washing, I work a full time job , hes currently off work with full pay long term sick as his dad sadly passed away 8 weeks ago.

In the last few weeks apart from comforting him due to his dad passing , I haven't wanted to kiss him, cuddle him, get intimate , he irritates me alot , he doesn't focus on our relationship anymore, hes an amazing Dad to our boy , but that spark and that lovingness just doesnt seem to be there from my side. Hes very immature for his age , still plays video games, doesnt buy himself any new clothes (, I will buy them as he doesnt care ) doesn't really take care of his image , sobs around, I miss the old him , I miss the man I fell in love with. Now it feels like I'm taking care of a huge child who relies on me alot . I do and organise everything for him. Help :(

Sounds low and depressed to me rather than a man child. Hard to know as a total stranger but I play video games at 54 and would hate to think that's a defining negative quality. Have you spoke. To him about it and how he's changed etc? Have you discussed a joint plan to help him feel better and in turn help you feel more loved and included?

I can never get through to him.. he never listens to my advice, says he will do stuff and never does. I just feel like I'm in my own team. I wouldn't say the video games is a negative trait at all, its probably the amount he plays in the current situation we are in.. I've supported him through thick and thin and will continue to do so.. but the weight of it all is taking its toll on our relationship. I cringe when I even kiss him at the moment.

I'm thinking the amount of time invested in the video games is very indicative of hiding in a safe place or fantasy world. Having been depressed myself years back I wouldn't listen to anyway simply because I was mentally paralysed and unable to take anything on board without feeling physically sick.

It sounds like he has a grief disorder, has he seen CRUSE/a counsellor/spoken to GP? Go easy on him

Is this change only since his dad died 8werks ago, or has he been like this for longer?

That's the key - 8 weeks isn't long with the very obvious explanation of grief, but if he's been like this for a long time it's unrelated to grief and you need relationship counseling. I'd say split if it weren't for the child and the bereavement - you're still very young and shouldn't throw your life away being miserable, but the mutual child makes relationship counseling worthwhile, and if the change only happened with the bereavement it's different again and it's only human to give him more than 8 weeks to bounce back - a bit over a year is reasonable if the change is really down to losing his dad.

You should put yourself first. Dont tolerate him slobbing around doing nothing. If you dont make it clear to him that his behaviour is out of order you will have the same problem in 10 years time. Being bereaved is not an excuse to neglect you and your child

Lol manly status. Sorry OP, those feelings often go - that feeling of being in love never lasts. Sounds like you’ve settled into what most relationships become. That being said, he needs to step up and do more around the house and take a little more pride in his appearance and also treat you as a partner, and not his mum. I’ve lost count of the number of stories I’ve read on here of women ending up as pseudo mothers to their partners.

If he's been signed off sick for 8 weeks it doesn't sound like he's coping with his grief. I wouldn't make any big decisions atm Re your future.

Howe er it sounds like he didn't do much around the house before his Dad died and perhaps you felt sidelined by his gaming before this too? That's the problem area. Why haven't you tackled his lack of help around the house prior to this, or your feelings of being neglected? D

oing so in the midst of his grief isn't going to help, so I think you need to try and ride this through then look at your relationship anew.

Going from him being all "manly" to seeing him as a broken child consumed with grief is going to make the scales fall fro your eyes, but your DP is both the MAN and the frail and hurting boy. If you can't love both sides, you shouldn't be with him. He isn't a caricature.