Why is it so hard to detangle mentally from dm's Narc abuse?

[Darkhistory]

Thinking of my dm here.

You have a long history of their behaviour but you continually live in hope that things will change. Finally you find it in yourself to leave & never look back & yet you ache for the loss. It's like, after all these years, I still can't believe she isn't/can't ever be, the healthy mother I needed. I'm fighting the temptation to get back in contact & it's hard. She will die before too long & I have to live with the consequences of my decision. Has anyone else been through this?

You find it hard because you are grieving for the mother you have never had and will never have. That's why 'victim/survivor' children always live in hope that one morning their narc/abusive parent will have an epiphany overnight and suddenly morph into the parent that we always deserved. You already know that this will never happen but that small child part of yourself still wants it. It's anger too. It's the 'WHY?' Why was I not good enough, why was I not enough for them to change, why would my own parent do this to me, why will I never receive the apology that I deserve?????

After 30+ years of no contact, I feel absolutely nothing but contempt for my mother. She's in her 70's and will die within the next decade probably but I will not see her. I will not attend her funeral. I will ignore the family summons to see her on her deathbed. I will feel relieved. I have seen her in passing at family events a small number of times over the last 30 years and every time she has demanded, shouted, screamed at me etc and rather than getting the obedience that she wanted, it only reaffirmed that my nc was the correct course. I am made out to be the monster when in fact it is she has been monstrous. I tried once when my eldest was born and she managed two supervised contacts before she returned to form. She had her chance to change and she blew it.

Darkhistory, you will get through it. We are as a society conditioned to 'respect' our parents and 'love' them regardless. Funnily enough it doesn't seem to work for us children the other way round when our parents willfully treat us badly. What you feel is the yearning for a mother that was normal. What you yearn for is a mother's unconditional love. When the temptation is knocking at it's loudest just remember that your mother only holds the title of mother due a circumstance of birth. She birthed you but she did not 'mother' you in the way that YOU deserved. Remember this when you feel tempted or if you're weakening. You owe her nothing.