Found messages on partners phone.

[Dakota89]

Hi so I made a previous thread a week or so back asking if it was okay to go through your partners phone if you have suspicions something is going on. So 2 days ago I did and it has been playing on my mind. I didnt find any evidence of an affair as such but very flirty messages to a few people. Without being too obvious and giving too much personal info away he owns a business in which the majority of 'clients' use to contact him on fb. There were a few of him replying back calling them 'baby' one joking that he loves someone soo much and the one that got me the most calling someone gorgeous and that he wont normally do something but will for them. I confronted him and he didnt dent it but he hasnt said much. He got pissed off and says I dont trust him. Now I trust that he wont cheat on me but speaking to women like that I feel is so disrespectful to me and I'm full of anger/upset, I mean he doesnt even speak to me like that. At this point I dont know where to go from here.

Deny*

Yeah, that would piss me off too. Do I remember correctly that he didn't let his phone out of his sight and was secretive with it? If so, then it contradicts his argument there's nothing wrong with it as why was he hiding it in the first place if innocent?

@Cuppa12345 Yeah he does his reasons are it was 'banter' the one where he called her gorgeous 'oh yeah but shes like 17' right okay but why does that make it okay? If I were to talk to men like that he would have a problem with it and i wouldn't be surprised if he ended the relationship.

If you trust he won't cheat on you, you wouldn't be looking.

@YouJustDoYou By that I mean physically cheating, having an affair, going and having sex with women. I know he wont do that.. but I had a feeling something wasnt right.

Oh yeah but she's like 17? So barely legal? How old is he and what kind of buisness brings him into contact with kids?

@slipperywhensparticus Unfortunately I cant be so specific on here as I know people I know use this, but yeah my thoughts on the age thing too. Let's just say hes old enough to be her dad.

Breaking into someone’s phone is wrong. I would always give someone a pass if they suspected cheating but you don’t. That means you are being controlling.

The reason you are being controlling is that he is behaving in a way you don’t like. You have told him this and he has told you he doesn’t think it is wrong. He has also told you he doesn’t want you to check up on him.

You know he “flirts” with clients thinking it’s banter and that he will continue to do so. He doesn’t respect your opinion. This is who he is. You can’t keep checking his phone.

What does that mean to you and for you?

@LemonTT Actually you are wrong. I haven't told him I didnt like it because I didnt know that was how he speaks to people. He hasnt told me he doesnt want me to check up on him because I dont. I dont keep checking his phone because this is the first and only time in the years we have been together I felt I needed to. This means if he doesnt respect me and the fact I think its crossing a line then I cant be with someone who doesnt respect my feelings.

Not only is it a problem to your relationship, but if he's "flirting" with clients, it's very unprofessional and likely to lose him some. Some will be thinking he's creepy af.

@category12 Hopefully they do and say something and maybe it knocks some sense into him. Tables turned I would hate to know what he would say if I was speaking to people like that

OP you have told him you don’t like the messages because in your own words you confronted him about the messages. His response wasn’t to hold up his hands and act remorseful. He called it banter and he minimised. He’s okay with it because he does it. And what he does is indulge in professionally inappropriate conversations with young people/teenagers. Since he obviously provides a professional service this is quite.

This isn’t about what he would do if the tables are turned although the hypocrisy is telling. It isn’t even about what his clients may say to him although it must lose him business. It’s about what you think about it and whether you think it is possible to change him. Because this is who he is.

Ok you can ignore lemons first post, not read the others from them so maybe ignore them too. To call you controlling is batshit.

@Rubbinghimsweetly2
Going through someone’s phone without their permission is recognised as controlling behaviour.

The reality is the OP doesn’t trust her partner and she has found out he has private and secret conversations she doesn’t like. Rightly so.

Their future is either accepting this behaviour or constantly checking up on him and controlling it for him. I am telling her this because that is where their relationship is. It’s not her fault but that’s what he has brought them to.

I think OP this is his ‘style’ of communication. He thinks to keep women as customers he has to flirt/flatter. I’ve met a few blokes like this, they aren’t always actual cheats but it’s bloody disrespectful to partners unless they are the type that can just laugh it off. Only you know if this would bother you, I don’t think it will change as I think it’s in his personality