am thinking about ending marriage...

[natsnix]

this is my first time, so bear with me and lack of abbreviations. have been with husband for ten years, married for three. have little girl nearly two and fours months pregnant with next one! my problem is that for years and years my husband has never defended me against his family. they had a really annoying habit of turning up unannouced and at inconvenient times, i asked him to let them know that a five mins heads up would be nice, but he never communicated this to them. over the years this has snowballed into my resentment towards his parents and him for his lack of communication towards them which inevitably makes me look like the horrible daughter-in-law. aside from this, he is the sort of man (aren't they all?) who really does not show any care for me at all. he has left two jobs with nothing lined up, leaving me extremely worried about our financial security and future especially with baby number two on the way. he was the last father to turn up on the maternity ward, left me to go deal with extreme pain and trouble breastfeeding. im not naive, i am aware that no relationship is perfect and that in general men are a bit stupid, but really, is this all i should expect. i am thinking about ending the relationship, but as i am dependant on his financially, and i have no parental home to return to, i am feeling trapped. any advice?

Feeling trapped with no choices available is the WORST position to be in so BIG HUG to start off with. Have you had chance to talk about this with your husband - I mean in DEPTH?

I am sorry - this sounds horrible for you - but maybe the fact that you are pregnant with all those hormones rushing around is making it all seem worse than it is? Might you not try Relate?

poor you, don't make any rash decisions at this tme thought, you are pregnant, hormonal and no doubt tired with having to deal with every thing. i'm not saying your situation isn't bad but you have put up with this for 10 years, why dump it all at this time. i imagine you had a hard time with no support with you frist LO and are concerned that you will have no support with your next. i agree with rach, talk to your DH and explain how you're feeling and why you are worried, do it when you're not feeling angry about it as he will put it down to you being hormonal and not feel it'sanything to do with him. i hope it gets better >

I agree with clutter - maybe you could write down all your concerns on a piece of paper (keep it really objective and factual) and then choose or arrange a time to talk undisturbed - can someone babysit for you and you both go somewhere neutral? If you're unhappy it is likely your husband is not happy too and this could be the chance to get things on the right track again....

You poor thing - first I would like to say you sound like a completely well-balanced and fair person. This may not necessarily be about hormones.
Secondly, your dh's inability to see your family as a priority over his parents' family is not acceptable. However, there is a point in every man's life (and woman's) where this change in attitude has to be gone through.
Best wishes, take care of yourself, but remember, he is there to take care of you.
One question - have you or he ever threatened to leave?

natsnix, i empathise so much. i feel trapped a lot too. but you're not. neither am i.
if you want to end it and leave (or have him leave) and not try something like counselling, finding out your options is a good place to start. (ie: citizens adivce bureau, a solicitor, housing and council) -
i am dependent on my partner too financially, but that doesnt make us helpless.

oh sigh sigh sigh i hate feeling as i do, but knowing others are feeling so similarly just hurts

but you're not alone... rally support where ever you can (here, your GP, your HV, anyone.) (this is what i'm doing.)
:big hugs:

I was having thoughts recently about leaving DP.

It got very close to it, i had started to make some of the arrangements, but i think it took me getting to that point to really be honest with myself about whether i wanted us to be apart. It had to feel like it was really happening for me to realise that actually, despite whatever issues we have, i adore him and owe it to all three of us to really try and make it work.

Things are still not perfect, but i'm glad i didn't go ahead when i did. I may still leave at some point,there is no guarantee but it has forced me to 'remember' why i love him, why i'm with him and why we had a child together.

Only you know if you've come to the end of the road or not - but if there is even a slight doubt in your mind, its maybe worth giving it one last go?

nat

sorry you're feeling this way.

My husband sounds a bit like yours ie let his family dominate and put them before me and ds and when you make the odd faint objecting noises (not often but just when it gets too bad) then you're the baddie.

In my experience they don't communicate your concerns to their parents as the husband doesn't think it's an issue. You will need to battle this (any tips - as I haven't been too successful so far!). The not showing any care could be that you are very competent?

Do empathise with the resentment. My husband is flying back to his home country shortly to help his sister leave her husband. No doubt he will bring back her and MIL on a single ticket. No doubt I'll be asked to organise all this and no doubt we'll be paying and so won't get to take our own kid on holiday.... We've been to inlaws 3 times in the last 12 months. Costly.

Seriously I would not do anything at the moment in terms of ending the marriage - you are pregant, you are concerned, you'lll need all the energy for the next few months.

Really talk to him and get to the bottom of the pils thing and also get a commitment from him to help when new baby arrives.