Saving marriage

[Clarissajane]

I really need help on how to save my marriage! We’ve only been married less than a year and have a baby together but the other day my husband just left -it usually ends up with him going to the pub all night then messaging the next day saying he can’t do this anymore as we’re all miserable and I reply saying we’re miserable as he’s making me miserable , he puts my feelings last and just does what he wants without any regard for how it makes me feel-when he’s got it in his head that he’s going out that’s it, the actual going out isn’t so much of an issue although he’s had problems with drink n drugs in the past it’s that he goes and doesn’t answer of message or come home , he’s been at his mums all week and we had a huge row yesterday ,today he messaged saying he’s sorry he loves me and just wants to sort himself out so we agreed to have space but then he’s just again not replied to me all day, I think he is depressed and has issues from before that he’s not dealt with but how can I help him when he won’t talk to me and just pushes me away, I have given my all into this marriage and just feel I’m getting nothing back, how can I fix it please help

You can’t fix it on your own.

What’s he doing to help save your marriage?

Nothing really, I think he’s depressed which is no excuse to treat me so disrespectfully but I don’t have it in me to just walk away like I’ve tried everything to make the marriage work and as it’s not it makes me feel like a complete failure x

Is he finding fatherhood difficult? Can you get a good moment and sit him down and talk?

It takes 2 to save a marriage. Unless that happens, it's impossible.

I don’t think it’s so much fatherhood that’s difficult I really don’t know what it is, he said he hates that he’s letting me and the children down yet is still doing it, he knows what it’ll take to make it better but isn’t, I think he is depressed but I’m suffering from anxiety since our baby nearly died at birth and I just feel like I have to hide my feelings to be there for him n the kids when he’s not there for me

This might be an unpopular opinion but call his bluff. Agree that it's not going to work and you should divorce. Explain that you're fed up with being disrespected and it's probably for the best. Sometimes, when there's just one person doing all the hard work, the other partner can become complacent. One of two things will happen, either this will force a reaction from him and help him see what he could lose or he won't fight for you...and if he doesn't fight for you, you should call it a day. You're torturing yourself.

I’ve gifen him so many ultimatums but I think Cos I’ve let him get away with this behaviour for so long I won’t actually do anything, I’m so disappointed in myself because before I got with him I was a strong woman and there’s no way I’d have put up with this but being in love makes you do weird things. I don’t know I was a single mum for 11 years and I always dreamt of being married and having the fairytale and the thought of starting again terrifies me

Doesn't the thought of living as you are terrify you more though?

Your husband sounds as if he is all talk and no action.
Why doesn't he go to the doctors if he's depressed?

I honestly don’t know ,he’s so selfish it’s unreal I’ve jist found out by his brothers gf that he’s been in the pub all day/ night so wanting his cake and eating it basically I really don’t know what to do I’m just so drained and upset like why is all I’m giving not enough

The thing is, there are no real consequences for his selfish behaviour, so why would he stop?

An ultimatum isn't an ultimatum unless its carried through.

An ultimatum isn't an ultimatum unless its carried through.

Self incentive is a great motivator and if he can’t be bothered, then you’ll know that he doesn’t feel that being a decent human being to his wife and children is important to him.

I fear that the dynamic of your relationship has always been you being a doormat and him wiping his feet.

Time to let him go of who you desperately want him to be and accept who he really is.