Feeling like I’ve failed at just about everything

[WhenItRains111]

This maybe a long one.. or it could be short. Gone to a therapy session with DP, we have a huge pile of issues. During our sessions I’m always try to take responsibility for my actions and how they created the situation we are now in, while DP pretty much sits there acting like he is mr perfect, the therapist even asked him if he always thinks he is right because it seems like if his opinion differs from someone else’s then it makes them wrong, of course he denied this and said he is often wrong about things. And yet he is never willing to take any real blame and just tells me that the way I am feeling isn’t normal, that all my feelings aren’t normal. That I’ve never discussed how I feel, just told him when he should do something. Example he wasn’t bonding with our DD, so I said to him you need to spend some more time with DD to bond, but I’m being told I should have sat him down and said you aren’t bonding with her. So I failed there. Then because I told P he needs to do more around the flat I get told that I need to put DD (she is under 1) into nursery because I need time to myself as I’d be able to keep on top of the household chores. Pretty much being told that I am the problem, I need to get over it.

Then I get to my mums where my sister has been looking after DD for DM to tell me DD had been crying on and off for an hour for me. That I need to leave her alone more often as she has seperation anxiety, but I do, and get told this over and over. So not only failed in my relationship but also failed my DD it would seem. logically I know I haven’t but boy do I feel shit having everyone tell me how shit I am being.

The worst bit is where I feel like I’ve failed DD. She is 9months, breastfed and she cosleeps. Where I can I get friends and family to help look after her, longest she has spent away from me was 3 hours in which she refused to drink. So it isn’t like I am possessive of her at all! But all because she cried for 20 minutes while I was out for an hour it’s an issue and I’m at fault because I am the one she has an attachment to! Well what the hell am i meant to do, not look after her at all. I thought it was normal for young babies especially bf babies to miss their mums when they aren’t around, I also thought seperation anxiety was quite normal.

Have I caused this? Have I failed DD because she can seem to go a hour without me without having a cry?

Nope. You haven’t failed at all. Your problem is you’re surrounded by arseholes.

A co-sleeping breast fed baby is a wonderful thing.

Use the sessions to clarify exactly who your DP is, and then start thinking whether or not you want to give your one life to this one man.

DD wouldn't let anyone but me and dp hold her for the first year, she'd scream and cry if anyone else tried. Then suddenly it changed a bit before her 1st birthday. She's a happy healthy 8 year old now, a bit shy and introverted but completely normal. The other DC didn't have a issue going to different people, even little babies have their own personalities and needs. You haven't failed her.

The rest reminds me of my not so dear P. Nothings ever his fault, even his anger outburts. No advice, just lots of sympathy.

PPs you have no idea how much your comments have meant, just to feel not everyone feels like I am failing DD. Really have had such a cry over it since DD went to bed! I want her to grow up and be independent but I also want her to know I am here whenever she needs me and to hear others say she is too attached to you and it’s no good for her, especially people who are meant to be my support, it hurts. DD will let others hold her, can even deal with others looking after her, it’s just when she wants me and I’m not around that’s when she gets upset.. if not usually she is crawling away from me to cause some mayhem, even when she does this she knows I’m not far away so just think she wonders where mummy is and no one not even her dad can comfort her.

As for DP, after today I just think there must be more to life. When you’re sitting there in tears exampling that you don’t feel heard or valued and he doesn’t even comfort you.. not by reassuring, nor by just a touch of the hand, NOTHING, it leaves me thinking do you even love me. He cries and I lunge forwards to hug him, even though he has hurt me tremendously over the years and I resent him I still hate to see him hurt.

Ohhhhh you have so not failed your dd. Do some reading on attachment and gentle parenting. Sarah Ockwell Smith is a good start so you have some ammunition for people telling you you are doing it wrong. You don’t create independent children by forcing independence on them, quite the opposite in fact. She is still tiny. You dm is stuck in the dark ages. And your dp sounds a little gaslightery? Hope you get some progress in therapy.

I write this lying in bed with my 15 month old btw. Some babies need it more!

@Bigmango, I too was next to my daughter, I’d definitely say she is one baby that needs more.

As for DP gaslighting, I always thought he had but never been sure. He says that I never tell him when something is wrong, I.e. that he hasn’t been helping tidy or look after DD, then goes and gives an example of when I have brought it up and then told me it was because I didn’t do it in the right way and make a general statement.

Posted too early.

He’ll say I’ve not told him things, such as helping with DD or tidying around the flat or just leaving the toilet in a good condition after using it, then proceed to give an example of when I have told him but I’ve apparently done it with attitude, so when I tell him ok I did say something I get told it’s because I haven’t told him in the right way. Saying look I need you to help me more with these things isn’t the same as saying you aren’t supporting me. Thing is even when I’ve said I need you to help more he still hasn’t listened.

Or with the nursery bit, he has been saying that she needs to be in nursery to learn to socialise as she is too dependent on us and it isn’t healthy or normal. She is 9months old. In therapy he changes it to I want her to be in nursery so you have more time for yourself and can keep on top of the house. I think it’s the latter and really what he means is I want her to be in nursery so I can come home to a clean house and cooked dinner and so that you can get your body back as he is always going on about exercise. For the record I’m currently a size 12 not that it would matter if I was bigger. So a lot of the time I think he says things to suit his agenda.

Even stuff like I caught him sexting 2 years ago, I told him in therapy this has cause a lack of trust for me. His response, it was 2 years a go, I am going to have female friends and go out drinking because I like to. He made it out like I was saying he couldn’t be in contact with women, which isn’t what I was saying at all, I don’t want to control someone.. for me i was simply saying because of x I now feel y and that is something I need to either get over or leave. His response well how are we going to resolve this. Just seems like for somehow I’m to blame for all he has done and for simply having emotions.

Oh god, girl, just leave his sorry arse! Not worth it.

I know, but I feel so mentally drained now. I may make another thread about the gaslighting, just feel low.

Oh my, he sounds like a complete asshat if I’m honest. Are you on maternity at the mo? Are you married?

Your partner sounds like an abusive arsehole. Have you ever considered he may be narsiccistic? He uses alot of the tactics of an emotional abuser with his gaslighting, double standards, constant belittling and criticism of you. You will never be able to please him because even if you do everything he asks, the goalposts will keep changing because he wants to keep you downtrodden and miserable. These men ware down your self esteem until you feel like you cant do anything right. It is very intentional and planned on his part because he enjoys controlling you.

You are not asking for anything unreasonable, however these dickheads will AlWAYS make you feel like you are. He's pretending not to understand you but I bet he has no problem in understanding his own needs and how you apparently dont meet them. Trust me, he gets it and it will drive you to insanity if you stay. Narcs are also extremely lazy and selfish so I bet you do the lions share of everything around the house and the hard parts of parenting while he sits there taking all the credit.

Narcs will often use therapy to get the counsellor on their side and manipulate them into thinking you are in the wrong. I'd seriously consider reading up on narcissistic abuse. They are all serial cheats too which fits into him sexting other women and I bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

These men are incapable of change. Therapy is futile and you only have 2 choices really. Stay and be miserable (and your DD will be miserable in the long run) or get out now and live your life free of oppression and constant criticism.

Your DD sounds completely healthy and developing normally so please dont let this idiot make you think otherwise. Please dont be an enabler to his abuse though otherwise your DD will likely seek out abusive men when she is an adult.

P.s narcs never take responsibility for anything. They blame shift and project the things they are doing onto you. He may talk the talk in therapy but what do his actions show you?

Tour family dont sound very supportive. What were the dynamics between you and your parents? I suspect you are possibly a codependent because of your upbringing and therefore less able to recognise when you are being abused. The only thing you can rely on is your gut instinct which is telling you that this situation is completely unfair. That's not because you are wrong, you have just lost the ability to trust yourself anymore because of the gaslighting.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave, I do think I am a codependent. DM can be extremely supportive in some ways but then will tear us (my siblings too) down and usually when we are at our lowest points. My sisters are so supportive, have my back, won’t put me down.. we are all very close.

I’ve looked into the traits of a narc and they do ring true for P. Although when the therapist ask to him yesterday if he always thinks he is right because that’s the impression she got he said no far from it, a lot of the time I am wrong. Which I thought a narc would just say I am always right.

@WhenItRains111 do you think your mum could be a narc? They often target people when they are vulnerable.

Narcs are extremely manipulative so it wouldnt be in his best interests to openly admit to a counsellor that nothing is his fault. Talk is cheap but what do his actions show you? They show you he doesnt really feel responsible for his actions because when it comes to actually making changes that would improve the relationship, he puts it all back on you.

It's a misconception that narcs are horrible all of the time or they are unable to pretend to have insight. They are very good at saying all the right things which is how many of us get sucked in by them in the first place.

There are some really good videos on youtube about narcissism and also about healing from codependency. If you learn the tactics they use to abuse you then you can learn how to not let it affect you the way it is now (because you will realise that every word that comes out of their mouths is either to manipulate or control).

Hmm I’m not too sure were DM is concerned, she is a manic depressive and when she has run out of her meds she can get quite toxic.

Ah that’s where I’m mistaken then, I fully expected him to say I am right about everything etc so when he didn’t it threw me off. I was angry at myself though, he made a comment about how I only get animated when talking about my family or hometown because of his comment it made me mad so I started not yelling but doing exactly what he said I do.. because I have told him already, countless times actually, that the issues we have are not because I want to be closer to my family but because of his behaviour. So just thought urgh I’ve played into his hands!

I'm sorry about your DM, that must be really difficult to deal with.

The only way you can really ever 'win' with a narc is by going no contact. I've dated narcs in the past who can apologise (appearing very sincere at the time) but then always manage to flip the conversation into listing my flaws.

You really are wasting your breath trying to explain anything with them. They only care about winning not resolving anything and you will drive yourself nuts trying to get them to see your point of view.

Even if you manage to get them to see things from your side, they dont care anyway.

Also, it's a classic game they play. They drive you crazy by winding you up then turn it back around on you by saying 'see, you are shouting and I'm being calm so it must be you with the problem'

Look up the grey rock method of communication. That's the only way you dont end up playing into their hands.

OP, you said your dd is 9mo, co-sleeping and breastfeeding. That''s perfect! You are a winner.

Now the partner/husband/baby's dad - he's not helping, is he? So, as the mummy who has done the right thing and won, despite being under pressure, what do you think is the right thing to do next?

@Jaffacakesaremyfave, with DM it can be tough when she runs out of meds, but when she is on top of them she really can be so supportive.

With DP it makes sense, I’ve been trying to make him see my side for so long, late nights in despair replaying over every moment. But of course he would’nt see my side, he wants it all his way. I always thought the things he did and said seemed to benefit him never occurred to me that may really be the case. And he is always trying to wind me up, even after having DD he spent the best part of two months trying to wind me up until I finally cracked, then ended up with PND.

@womaninthedark, thank you, her dad doesn’t do much at all. Now he’ll say it’s because I never allow him to do anything and I think I just have to allow him to tell people that. And I think I need to leave him, I’ve looked into what I am entitled to but I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it. Nearing the end of my mat leave and took voluntary redundancy, he owns the house it’s all in his name. Saying that I could do it and things maybe very tight but that has to be better than where I am now.

Also I think I’m almost mourning that fact that I may not have another baby and that makes my desperately sad too. But I can’t bring another baby into this world with DP that would be so unfair on them.

Definitely need to leave, DP told me to stop giving DD more food because she would just eat it all, it was only a small bowl of food so went to give her some yoghurt. She is a growing human. How on earth does he think babies and children go from eating small amounts to adult size portions

You know what to do. Is there anyone who could help you?

Oh op.

I wanted to comment on your dds attachment to you.

I want you to know that developmentally, at this age, a child who doesn't cry for her mother is one that may have other issues! The behaviour you describe is healthy!!!! Separation anxiety peaks at around 12 months for human babies, she is meant to miss you and demand you back. Some babies are naturally quieter and accept other caregivers more quickly, but to cry for an hour is actually normal even in that context! Many healthy babies dont settle at all for anyone but mum until they are toddlers+... and even then...

Then I read what your p said about feeding dd. I'm so sorry. You know what you need to do i think.

Tell us what you need and we will try to help you. What do you want to do?

Thank you, it really was an awful day and I just felt like I was failing DD. Like I wasn’t a good enough Mum and made me think how would I cope if I were to become a single mum, even though I’ve been doing it all along.

As for leaving, I could live with my sister for a little while and save some more money. Also look for some part time work, luckily I done some training in semi permanent beauty so that’s another venue I can go down.