What do you think I am? Deaf?

[jilltyrell]

My 8 year old DD has just said this to me. I asked her to help us carry things off the beach to support her elderly grandmother. I asked her twice - politely - all her other cousins were helping, everybody was. I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to cause a scene, but I’m fuming. Im going to have a big talk to her about it, but to me her behaviour shows a complete lack of respect. Any ideas about how I should deal with her comment and unwillingness to help? Many thanks!

Well done for waiting and planning to deal with it in private. So rude plus as a teacher of the deaf I'm happy to say deaf people are perfectly capable of responding to requests for help.

I’m just shocked. I think there may possibly be ASD issues with her, and was reading an article yesterday about addressing and allowing her to have her emotions, but this situation has made me completely see red. I want to deal with it as effectively as possible.

A child not wanting to help is pretty standard. They can be selfish little gits! Just take away privileges unless she does as shes asked.

I would start with a calm simple discussion explaining why this isn't on. If it persists as an attitude you can then say that continuing will result in consequences.

I understand the not wanting to help, but the actual comment, the narrowing of her eyes and the strength of emotion behind the comment completely knocked me back...

Even if she has ASD, the comment about being deaf isn’t acceptable and she may need to have that explained to her, even before the unacceptable tone and attitude is addressed. If you can do it calmly, all the better and kudos to you!

Yes Millicent and Toduk, I will emphasise that hugely when we talk. Im just so, so sad that that language even entered her head to say.

I’m confused as to why you’re linking this to ASD?

Seesomething - her comment was as a result of me asking for help. From what I’ve read about PDA, she displays many of the characteristics. She also struggles with managing her emotions and recognising the feelings of others.

I had a firm, calm chat with her in the car. I told her how upset I was to hear her comment and asked her why the comment was so wrong. She recognised why it was unkind and insulting. She said she felt ashamed and if she could turn back time and unsay it - she would. And she cried a lot, and said she wished she was perfect. Addressed this and now the ‘perfect’ thing is worrying me...

Doesn’t it just sound like a normal child pushing boundaries. I remember saying some really horrid things when I was younger! They just came out and I wish I hadn’t said them. But it’s just testing.
I dunno. Unless you have a list of consistent behaviours over years it sounds relatively normal to me.

Tell her no one is perfect you were just asking her nicely to help. I asked them how they wanted me to ask them to help when we went through an awkward age.

Ask her where she learnt the phrase and explain why it is so rude and how you never expect to hear it from her again. Our DD said this to us once, it was from a book/comic. She didn't know what it meant or how rude it was until we explained. Never said it again.

Doesn’t it just sound like a normal child pushing boundaries.

That's how it sounds to me. You won't cope with a teen if that comment sends you off the rails. Sure it was unnecessary and rude and can be pointed out but I don't see the point in going in guns blazing and "seeing red".

Sometimes its better to pick your battled and if she is on the spectrum, then even more so.

Sounds like normal childhood back chat to me - she's probably picked up the saying from TV or from a peer at school.

I most certainly have said this exact phrase at some point.

Sorry, it just sounds like normal childhood development to me tbh.

I feel like it’s not helpful to attribute negative behaviours with ASD unless you have had professional interventions.

It’s stigmatising and upsetting.

Saysomething - I am a teacher with 25 years experience and I have met with my daughter’s school and her school professional to discuss possible ASD. It’s maybe not helpful to assume that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

As her mum I think you would have an inkling something is not quite right. But my daughters teachers have "misdiagnosed" my daughter for years until I decided something wasn't right and went to get professional help via a paediatrician and psychologist. Sure teachers might notice somethings off but I wouldn't count being a teacher or speaking to teachers as a diagnosis.... Just thought I'd mention from my experiences of our long road to an answer.

I’m confused as to why you’re linking this to ASD?

Same, sometimes kids are just naughty you know.

I can imagine my daughter will come out with this or something like it one day. I always find it better to not make a big deal out of stuff like this. It always seems to me they do it for a reaction

It's just the sort of thing kids come out with sometimes, especially when other kids are around (showing off). She needs to know it's rude and unacceptable, but I don't think you need to make a big deal about it.

I’m not linking the comment to ASD, it was more about how to deal with the comment taking into consideration that she may have ASD.

I do have an inkling about ASD and my initial step has been to seek advice at her school.