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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Female beggar?

48 replies

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 16:12

I was walking through town yesterday with bf, saw a young, pretty female beggar. BF gave change, squatted down, had a chat, asked her name, introduced himself, asked if she had somewhere to stay, asked where it was etc etc. Normally (ie with male beggars) he or I just give change and just walk on - rightly or wrongly. Am I right to feel upset that he behaved differently with a female beggar?

OP posts:

Catapultaway · 03/08/2019 17:31

OP if you are someone who has been homeless then you would probably realise that people end up in that situation for a while variety of reasons.

They don't all look the same.

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 17:40

We regularly walk this route which often has people asking for money hanging around. In the past bf has questioned the authenticity of certain males asking for money ie ' I don't even think he is homeless'....another reason his behaviour yesterday seemed so odd. Yep, maybe I'm wrong, but it upset me nonetheless. It just seemed that he spotted a female and he suddenly pulls out all the stops........

OP posts:

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 17:46

There must be something you don't trust about him.

chubbysquid · 03/08/2019 17:52

Some men need to be the knight in shining armour.

But only if the recipient is a "weak damsel in distress"

ThatLibraryMiss · 03/08/2019 17:54

OP, I am much more solicitous towards young female homeless people than I am towards their male counterparts. I have bought food, drinks, dog food, wet wipes for them and asked them if they have somewhere safe to sleep. I do it because I know they're much more vulnerable than men (and also because a young woman very dear to me came close to living a chaotic life on the streets). Does that make my behaviour odd? I assure you that I'm not in the least bit interested in them sexually.

Frownette · 03/08/2019 17:55

I think one thing which would bother me is that he didn't introduce you and say 'this is pockle, my girlfriend, she has some experience with housing' as then you wouldn't have been standing there like a third wheel

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 17:57

I walked off after a bit. I couldn't stand there and watch the fawning.

OP posts:

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/08/2019 18:00

The the pretty homeless woman is a red herring really, and if she's really homeless or not is irrelevant.

The main thing that this is one incident in a long string of other incidents of him looking for attention and validation from other women. That's the real issue in your relationship, and it's up to you to decide if you're willing to put up with this long term.

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 18:07

I think that you may be right YSD

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 03/08/2019 18:24

He doesn't engage nearly as much with male 'beggars' and constantly requires validation from other females.

He blew up at you because he knows you're onto him.

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 18:56

Well that's how I feel, but several posters seem to think that he's a great guy for recognisizing the vulnerability of a female 'on the streets'.

OP posts:

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 19:14

Him recognising a vulnerable homeless female is great but only if that's all there is too it.

If he's behaved in a way thats made you suspicious previously then it's not as simple as that. That situation in a normal circumstance wouldn't usually trigger any concerns. It's not good to have to be concerned when it comes to something like that.

Was he being kind to her for his own validation?

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 19:21

I don't know for sure, but it felt that way - he seems to seek out female 'positive strokes'. It was probably a bit for his self esteem, a bit to help the homeless female, a bit to look like 'a good guy'. Whatever it was, it upset me as he didn't act like this with the homeless chaps - it hurt me - perhaps that's my problem

OP posts:

Frownette · 03/08/2019 19:22

He was obviously being kind to her for his own validation if he didn't bother to introduce his girlfriend who was feeling awkward at this intense 1-2-1

PicsInRed · 03/08/2019 19:23

Well that's how I feel, but several posters seem to think that he's a great guy for recognisizing the vulnerability of a female 'on the streets'.

You need to care a lot less about what other people think and learn to confidently weigh the evidence, come to a carefully considered conclusion and act only in your own best interests.

Opinionated strangers (and family, for that matter) don't have to live with the results. You do, so your say is absolute.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/08/2019 19:24

he's a great guy for recognisizing the vulnerability of a female 'on the streets'.

That's because this particular situation, within a normal,healthy relationship with a kind, respectful,loving man is nice. And it would be about the woman's homelessness and vulnerability.

Can you give other examples of him seeking attention/affirmation from other women? Only if you want to of course.

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 19:34

He comes into contact with a lot of females through his work. In my opinion he 'over shares' details of his very personal insecurities, troubles, worries or our disagreements, with relative strangers. He claims that people (male and female) that seem to have little regard for him are 'great friends' (often only FB friends - never met in person) in his eyes - I give him so much more but he seems not to value my contribution. Perhaps it comes 'too easy'.

OP posts:

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 19:44

That girl is certainly no prop to validate himself. He was maybe trying to show you what a good guy he is.

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 19:52

Thanks EA- I did consider that - but if thats the case I think that's a horrible thing to do, to both of us. He's ignored my message explaining why i was upset (very respectful and considered). Fuck him.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/08/2019 20:01

Concerned because shes vunerable?? 😂

If he wasn't an attention whore with a wafer thin ego that neefs constant validation from strange women then maybe....

Sorry op bit theres no way I could deal with anyone like this or take them seriously.....these types of people 99% of the time are cheats.

Bin!

Original poster

pockledigg · 03/08/2019 20:18

Ha ha CBM - you didn't dress it up, but I think you may be right!

OP posts:

tierraJ · 03/08/2019 20:36

There's nothing wrong with him chatting to the supposedly homeless girl but why ask her where she's staying? That's odd. It's information she shouldn't be sharing with a stranger like him anyway.

annielouise · 03/08/2019 23:50

I'd ask him what he was proposing on doing if she said, no, she didn't have somewhere to say. Did he have a plan in his mind to help her? Could he access some help for her? Could he at least have made suggestions on homeless hostels? It doesn't sound like he had any help to offer her so by asking that question he could have put himself on the spot - for what reason? To make himself look the 'good guy'?

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