Male friend (who's in a relationship with my friend) texts me everyday... I find it too much!

[calmyourtitsdown]

I have two friends that are in a relationship. I've offered them both support throughout their relationship, and value both of their friendships greatly.

My male friend is a constant texter. He will try to initiate conversation almost daily, and most of the time it isn't for anything particularly important.
I know he has no romantic interest in me, but I believe uses me as a 'sounding board' to talk about their relationship and 'fish' for anything his girlfriend/my friend has said to me.

I find the contact far too intense and to be honest, annoying. I know everyone is different, but I'd even find it too much in a relationship. In a separate issue, he is friends with my ex. Which now isn't a problem, as I'm over him and am at the beginnings of a new relationship.

How do I go about getting this friend to back off? As time goes on, I'm finding I have less to say, but I don't want hurt anyone's feelings.
He's been a good friend, and extremely supportive of me during my breakup.

Any help appreciated!

Just reply less....and take longer to reply. Remain a bit non-committal in your responses.

Him: "I think Debbie might be getting tired of me"

You: "Why don't you ask her....must go now, busy"

Reply less, take longer to reply. Messages don’t have to be replied to on the day they’re received, by replying every day he’s probably thinking that you’re just as happy to have a daily conversation.

Let's call the male one Dave. You message him saying "Dave, I have to be honest - I'm starting to feel like a 3rd wheel in your relationship. Also, I talk to my own mum less often than I talk to you! Can we maybe chat every few days instead of every day? I need some quiet time! Thanks mate, I know you'll understand :)"

Obvs tailor to your taste, but say something!!

Stop answering him. Why is this an issue.

I don't always reply on the same day, but what he will do if I haven't is literally send an identical message the next day.
I didn't reply yesterday, so he's messaged again today!
The 'more in contact with him, than my mum' comment made me laugh - because it's true!
I think part of the problem is my friend can take her time replying to him or not at all, so he obsessed over it, and moans to me.
I think I get the brunt of it all, as I've been made to be the 'third wheel'
And I may have been ok about it back then. But as I say, I'm in a new relationship and have new friends I want to invest in!

tell him that then OP! if he's a good friend he will understand.

He's been a good friend, and extremely supportive of me during my breakup.

Hmmmmmmmm... 🤔

I believe uses me as a 'sounding board' to talk about their relationship and 'fish' for anything his girlfriend/my friend has said to me.

Sounds a bit controlling.

I know he has no romantic interest in me

You quite sure? I'm not.

Yes I am quite sure there are no romantic feelings there whatsoever.
He is quite besotted with my friend, and knows that I am pretty taken with my new boyfriend.
He has made comments about when we talk/meet up, and wonders if that makes her jealous. So maybe there is an ulterior motive, but to get a reaction out of her, not to get close to me.
I wouldn't look twice at him, in the nicest way I could mean that!
I do sometimes wonder if his behaviour is controlling, and I know that my friend can find it that way from time to time.
He is actually 10 years older than us both, but hasn't been in relationship for 15 years... so to me, comes across ironically, a little inexperienced.
I don't think he realises that people are different, and are comfortable with different levels of contact.
A few months ago, I did actually say I needed space as he would constantly bring up my ex, and tell me things I didn't want to know. He respected that at the time, but as I've now moved on and his relationship with my friend has developed he's upped the ante again

He IS controlling by demanding you reply to his shit inane messages. Block. If he asks for an explanation say "you were messaging me too much ". Don't need to justify yourself , he's pushing your boundaries . Whatever his motivation is is not the problem . Or your problem

This is going to get messy if it continues. I would put him on “do not disturb” and ignore him. As you say, you’ve life with a new boyfriend and friends to enjoy.

He sounds like a total wanker, tbh.

And a crap friend to you.

But be that as it may, you have to initiate Operation Fuck Off.

I think part of the problem is my friend can take her time replying to him or not at all

Why aren't you doing this? Why is she allowed to leave him hanging but you're all anxious about it?

So you use a combo of a) just not answering at all if it's not a question but a statement, b) answering literally at 11am at night + having a Do Not Disturb on your phone from 10pm to 7am so you can snooze through any replies, c) answering "Couldn't tell you tbh, you'd better ask her, I'm not up for analysing her that much! " whenever he tries to analyse her to you and d) liberally emplying the thumbs up emoji 👍 instead of any actual words.

I think part of the problem is my friend can take her time replying to him or not at all, so he obsessed over it, and moans to me.

Yes, it probably is - he expects you to reply now, he's used to it. If you start being less available than his friend, he'll back off. It won't be easy; but it has to be done.

He expects you to text him back faster than his own girlfriend does. That's bizarre. The nicest explanation is that he feels anxious waiting for a reply, but in that case; you're not helping by indulging him.

Incidentally there’s nothing wrong with dating or being friends with someone older than you.

But sometimes older people do latch onto younger groups or date younger women to make up for the fact that they are quite “weird” or desperate or clingy and people their age are better at spotting this?

You say you’re making new friendships - which is as it should be in life and I suspect this guy secretly resents that because he likes having a group of women ten years younger than him and doesn’t want you to move forward and exclude him. But he’s ignoring your right to develop as a person and move forward in life.

In my 20’s I had “friends” who were older and they were very “nice” and “supportive”. Certainly they seemed to have more time for me than people my own age!

But as a grew older myself I realised there was something odd about them - they were using me as a way to get into “attractive young social groups”.

When I met new people, took on new work challenges, they demanded I confide all the details in them so they could “get involved”. But I didn’t want some awkward older person turning up at events with people they had nothing in common with.

Basically they didn’t want to see me moving forward in life and wanted me stuck in a rut WITH them.

When I tried to detach a bit, they bombarded me with clingy messages and semi-stalked me!

It was like I didn’t mind seeing them once in a while for a catch up but they were so desperate to get and have this “younger person social life” they wanted complete control over me! So I had to completely break things off.

"Dave, give over, discuss it with Emma."

Talks about making your friend jealous, moans about her to you, generally intense and obsessive, doesn't get boundaries. Yeah he sounds swell :/

Sounds a bit like narcissistic triangulation tbh. Wouldn't be surprised if he also slags you off to her.

He's a knob op and not your friend. Not by a longshot.

I guess I'm being 'too nice'

I think he is in constant need of validation, which he isn't getting from my friend.
There was a large age gap between my ex and I. So I'm pretty well versed in dealing with a 'man child' ()
I can definitely relate to the feeling that this friend wants to 'hold me back' and keep me living in the past. Apart from his relationship, he doesn't have much else going.
I must say I found it concerning when he said about making my friend jealous. It is games I do not wish to be involved in. But I don't understand why she would be, when she knows I'm with someone else, and was there throughout my previous relationship?!
Very strange logic.
Though it's none of my business, and completely up to her, I have said that I do think they want different things in life right now, and that his behaviour at times is concerning.
He contacts me through WhatsApp, does 'do not disturb' work there too? I'm tired of rolling my eyes every time he messages!

I think I would stop replying entirely tbh. Let him resend the text as much as he likes. What it boils down too is he isn't a very nice person (glad you noticed the 'trying to keep you in the past' behaviour too). And people who aren't nice people...we shouldn't really consider them friends.

I think you are being too nice and he is taking advantage and basically being an energy vampire.

I would just stop answering. Mute his messages. If he sees you face to face and has the nerve to query it, just say, "You were getting too much. I need to spend time with my boyfriend and my family."

You can block on WhatsApp - google it I think you go through “Settings”.

I’d enjoy the peace of mind but also be aware that he seems manipulative and might turn even pushier and weirder if you detach (try to get at you through other people, start claiming he’s “concerned” about you, start claiming you’re actually secretly attracted to him....).

Basically don’t feed the crazy - just concentrate on your nice new life. If he tries to drag your friend into it just ignore/be neutral/say you’re busy.

Even if you don’t continue your new relationship, it’s better to be alone than with weirdos in your life as it takes ages to get them out.

Do not disturb works with everything. You have to make exceptions just for your alarm!

I'm a total convert. People were WhatsApping each other in groups all night and I didn't want the hassle of blocking people or muting the group and then forgetting to unmute it in the morning.

It's a running joke at work now - that after 10pm, sorry but I'm not gonna see it! Nobody takes it personally cos its just a Do Not disturb so I can sleep.

Oh that's good news about the 'do not disturb', I think I need to change my last seen settings too.
Thank you so much for everyone's help.
The past couple of weeks, I've really felt like I want to try and break from my ties to the past.
I'm so happy in my new relationship, it's in that lovely new, exciting, fuzzy stage and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
I really don't want my emotional energy being sapped any longer by a supposed 'friend'.

Mute him on WhatsApp (he'll know if you block him unless you don't mind him knowing) and then literally IGNORE for longer and longer periods each time

Or do what I'd do and tell the controlling wanker to fuck off