Feeling like I need fewer emotional connections as I get older

[IronLion]

I like my friends but feel I could take or leave them tbh. We are pretty much all alpha females so it can be lively at times to say the least.

A couple of family members are ok but most are draining. The draining ones are miserable and moany and negative.

Honestly it feels like DC and DH is enough for close relationships. Work pals and acquaintances are actually easier to deal with than close friends and family because they expect less, need less and don’t zap my emotional energy. Face value and surface level is much more preferable to be honest than complex dynamics due to history or biology.

Is this bad? Should I be fostering and nurturing more emotional connections rather than feeling like the fewer the better?

Me too. I cut almost every family member out about 3yrs ago. Don't have a "dp" and wouldn't never want another.

You sound emotionally burnt out. I know how you feel. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like an advantage when you’re one of the closer ones ... but only with some ... some friends really are worth it. Maybe take a holiday from them all (physical or mental).

Emotionally burnt out sounds very apt!!

I’ve not long finished seeing a therapist to help with grief and a narcissistic family member. I do feel better for it but feel like I’ve just finished an emotional marathon.

It just really struck me that at a recent event I was happier to see and chat with people I don’t know so well. And I think I laugh more with work pals than I do with my longest oldest “bestest” friends.

It’s almost like now I’m through the other side with therapy, I’m also totally over most people from my life apart from a very very select few. Is it some weird need or desire to shake off everything from my pre-therapy life?

I already live a long way from my close friends and family so I kind of am having a holiday from them every day. But there’s FB, Instagram, WhatsApp groups still... I feel like contact 3-4 times a year would be fine but I don’t want to cut them off, that just feels mean. Just that the less I see or speak to them, the less I want to see or speak to them.

Oh I don’t know. Can’t work if I’m shutting myself off or if this is just a natural part of getting older. I’ve always been fiercely independent but now it just feels like I’m becoming totally indifferent

i can't be arsed with alot of people as its just too much like hard work

Research shows that the best way to maintain good health and stave off mental decline is through social connections. I know what you mean though, I've got a very old friend who seems to be ghosting me and I'm wondering whether I can be arsed with trying to sort it out.

I get people overload very easily

I tend to just stick with the really close ones, people who will help in a crisis sort of thing. I’m not interested in the sort of person who just wants to be out and having general chat. I’m also a real homebody.

I do see my elderly mum a lot but happy with that.

My DH and my DDs are all I need these days. I've gone NC with my sister, see my parents once a week and it's enough.

I just don't have the energy to pretend to care. I had 3 close friends in my 30s who drained every ounce from me, and I never want to be in that position again.

I ditto a lot of this. I find people hard work. I've tried to be there for people when times have been tough but it never seems to be reciprocated.

I do try to be sociable over anumber of activities but I never seem to click with people. I do feel that i need to keep trying but sometimes it feels like too much effort!

I work in a large organisation, a lot of my friends are there, job is full on,I come home exhausted. I think I'm in a phase of life where I've gone to ground, focusing on getting through these remaining working years. I then hope to enjoy socialising again but for now my life is unashamedly about getting everything sorted financially.

It’s a dangerous game to play. One day your kids will leave home. You know this.
Your DH might die. Might leave you. You might leave him.

It’s bloody hard work maintaining friendships. But trust me, after being isolated within a relationship, when it ended it took me years to get a normal level of friendship back.

And when you don’t speak to anyone for days at a time, you realise that you should always work at ALL relationships in your life. Not just the ones that are the most convenient.

Because that’s what it is mainly, just convenience. They’re all there and you don’t have to try at all.

I agree with the poster who said about life stages

I’m single and have no children but I’ve had major accident and injury, plus illness in top of a chronic one, and in a period of time where my parents were too old to help really. With close friends and neighbours, it’s been fine and I’m lucky I was well looked after.

But there’s no way I’d put effort into the “just socialising” types any more. When mum’s gone, I will leave London and have to start over anyway! Life, all kinds of things can happen, and you don’t want to waste time on drain/hoover types.

Also if social media is driving you mad, don’t do it. I love my friends but really don’t need to see pics of their dinner!

I think I’d also seen/heard that generally we need to be connected to others for our own well-being so I don’t want to detach totally.

When I did nct with DC1 we had such a lovely group. We stayed in touch for a few years before life got in the way a bit, but the lack of history and expectation meant that we simply just liked each other for who we were at that point in time, for that meetup, for that play date, for that coffee etc. it was bliss. In my close friends I’m sure there are toxic elements (competitiveness, gossip) that I just don’t need in my life.

Family members don’t take care of their health then all they talk about is their bad health. Or various other mundane problems that they are unwilling to address. And they’ve always got a bloody opinion.

God knows no one is perfect but geez I feel drained everywhere I look. Is investing in these relationships really going to make me feel better?? My headspace is limited as it is, let alone diving head first in to take on more of it all...

On one level I know it’s not wise to isolate myself, on another I feel.... meh, gimme Netflix, MN and a bar of chocolate.

OP those people don’t sound like they’re any good to have around

Maybe not investing in them means you’ll meet other people who are nice?

Maybe not. But I’ve known them for 30+ years... I'm not sure they deserve to be discarded and disentangling myself from my whole life feels a bit too big.

Saying all this, I am working on investing in myself rather than others... Guess somehow it’s a balance? And maybe if I treat myself better, other positive things and people will pop up along the way?

Ride the wave! 🌊

Also, check out the book ‘Codependent No More.’ I’m still implementing its wisdom but it’s illuminating.

I like having a large group of friends & acquaintances but maybe I am lucky as my friends are positive and I enjoy spending time with them BUT I absolutely do not do any sort of social media at all (apart from Mumsnet ) so I am not overwhelmed with messages etc. I never have more than one or two social engagements a week, which is enough and I make sure I have plenty of time to myself. I think a compromise is very important, don't isolate yourself from friends and family (unless they are really difficult to be with), just relying on your DP and DC for emotional support/friendship is not healthy. As a PP said, what will happen if your relationship breaks down or your DP dies? And most children will grow up and leave home. I am involved with a lot of elderly people and it is very sad to see how isolated some of them are as they have not kept up with friendships over the years.