Epic marriage fail

[Joanneh04]

Hi,
Love HB but don’t like him and so I’ve backed out my marriage after only 8 months. Together 12yrs, so many memories and good times but penny has finally dropped. HB is not nice, especially when we argue. I feel I have been ripped of all my goodness towards him. Now the fighting has started, living together in same house until sold. It’s bad. I just feel sorry that he can’t see what his like or been doing to me. I’m no saint, but I don’t hurl abuse in every argue or put him down. My adult kids have now spoke up and gave me a reality check. But I still love my HB and so confused.
Any advice greatfully received.

I think you know the marriage is over. You get to that tipping point eventually and know it's too late to go back.
It's going to be tough for a while but the relief when it's sorted will be palpable.
Hang on in there and remember to always look forwards and never backwards.

No advice as I’m in the same position without DC & struggling with it all. Like yours, My H is a nice man...until we have an argument! We are also Married a short time but together a long time.

It's very common for abusers to ramp up once they feel they have you trapped, eg marriage and/or kids. Do you feel this might be a factor in your case?

It's lovely that your older dc are supportive 🌷

Hi,
(Abuser ramped up when trapped)tbh never gave it a thought.i just know the abuse I receive during an argument has always been there. I thought marriage would help show my love and commitment to put trust issues to bed. Neither of us have been unfaithful but HB always on at me so I felt I was doing the right thing. HB can’t control his anger towards me or my adult kids. The final straw was he demand my son move out as he is 24. My son has been through a lot and he is a good kid. Always polite and tidy. Asks permission from HB to use shower etc.... now HB keeps moving goal post. First my son not to fix his car on drive.. or wash it. Then he has to park on road.. go out more often.. and now move out. The poor kid don’t know what his done. (My son pays his way and works 6 days a week 7-7pm..
HB seems to think all our problems are because of my kids. My daughter is at uni and pops home for holidays only. She hates coming home as he normally has something to moan about.
I think I have become so submissive through love over the years And now my eyes have opened.
I feel so guilty now that Im trying to put an end to it as I decided to marry him.

Are the children not his OP?

Nope, sounds like you're right to end it.

Sorry that you’re all going through this.
My step father was like this, end it now. My mother didn’t and put him first, only when we ( her ACs) had all left home did she realise, too late.
He started the moaning, demanding etc on her.
Without going into detail, the result was that her ACs were NC with her until she died. All very sad.

Hi,
Not his children. He has two of his own same age. Both in rented accomadation.. they moved out from thier abusive mother. We took the youngest in and adapted our home then he moved out because he and my HB were abusive to each other. Also his son has his dads filthy habits of leaving clothes on floor and generally messy and lazy. But a lovely lad. I’ve only seen him lose his temper around his dad. My HB kids say it quite clearly they would never live with him and don’t know why I put up with his attitude. I just didn’t want to see it.
It’s all real sad. My HB just don’t see the hurt even though I tell him over and over. He says it’s the way he was brought up and there’s nothing wrong with him! .
He is the sweetest man man one minute and the most evil thing the next.
Now I’m just panicking of what’s to come.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing to end it, and you should be able to think much more clearly about you life once this sttess has gone.