Diff parenting styles and empathy levels

[SpagBowl99]

Diff parenting styles and empathy levels causing relationship difficulties.

Does anyone else have this?

Biggest issue for me in our relationship.

I am v.sensitive, and his parenting style leads me to feel stressed / not enjoying being a parent/life. Happier on my own with the kids, which obv upsets him if I raise this. Anyone else feel this please?

Don't know who to discuss this with. Have discussed with him but he counters with

• Me not being best parent either(can't argue there, I am a WIP too)
• He has had to learn to live with my annoying and less than perfect characteristics, I can't argue with this.
• Me needing to learn to tolerate his behaviours...(tiredness, grumpyness, stress, fairly constant raising frustration at kids behaviour and correcting them (comes across as low level anger to me)

Fwiw - he's great around house, with diy, is caring and organised, I do wonder if it's a spectrum thing. Without kids we are pretty good, but we have kids.

Where do I go from here, magic wand needed pls

There is no magic wand...!

This will continue to cause you a lot of stress and unhappiness, quite possibly for the rest of your married life. Only you can decide if you are able live like this.

Thing is, OP - patenting styles are preferences. And there isn’t no one objectively better than the other.
(Obviously I am talking about range of normal, non-abusive styles)...
Some of the things you say here indicate that it’s not all about him - it’s your own issues that are causing you distress, and you need to deal with them on your end.

‘I am very sensitive. His style causes me to not enjoy parenting’ - I am sorry to say but this is unfair.
Your sensitivity doesn’t make it automatic that everybody needs to accept your ‘style’. And your enjoyment of parenting isn’t the main priority - your children wellbeing is.

Hard to tell without the details - but my guess is that he is the stricter parent, and you are the more relaxed one. And neither of you are putting the kids first - and by that I mean - you are fighting for your turf rather than figuring out a working compromise, where BOTH of you need to adjust.

Separation that you are talking about - while easier for you - will be extremely difficult for the kids. They’ll be going from your house where they will be treated your way - to his house with very different rules. Back and forth for years.

Is that really the best?
Or can the adults in their lives leave their prides behind (sort their own issues) and figure out one consistent approach to parenting?

MmomDD good thoughts thank you.

I've found what helps is leaning in and trying to learn from each others' styles if that makes sense? Otherwise what happens is you end up straining against each other. He'll worry that you're too lax and be extra strict to make up for it. You'll worry that he's too harsh and be extra lenient to make up for it. Instead it helps (both) to recognise that there's a range of parenting styles and 99% of kids will be absolutely fine with any of them and not be caused harm. But you can be curious about each others' reasonings and try to adopt them. For example I often ask DH (privately) why he has done/said something I felt was too harsh and he will explain what his reasoning is, and sometimes I find it makes sense. As well I suggest things to him which he sometimes takes on if they work for him.

Also if there's something which is important to either of us we try to approach it from that point, rather than attacking the other's whole way of being, so I might say I think it's important that our children don't feel rejected or frightened by discipline, and he might say he thinks it's important to be consistent about a rule even if they are tired or whatever.

Great advice here already. Parenting is difficult - you are faced with many emotional challenges and decisions all day long. Agree that there is no perfect blueprint of one style over another - but “consistency” is the most important value for your children to feel certainty and security - that you agree to parent “shoulder to shoulder”.

Agree with another poster that you can end of polarised and “compensating” for the other - this just makes the approach more extreme and your children more confused and insecure - and also your parenting harder.

Thanks BertieBotts, we do try what you are suggesting, but we do need to do more of that so I do appreciate your post as it has brought it to mind.

A new day, feeling more positive having had a sleep, read your posts a d chatted through with DP. Thank you so much