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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh angry with me...

27 replies

Blacksheep1929 · 02/08/2019 22:14

I don’t even know why I’m writing this but reading a thread last night about a DH shouting has just sort of triggered something in my mind...

I have been with my DH 13 years, married for 7 with two DC. My DH sometimes really shouts at me he treats me like a child, just last night he called me ‘stupid’ ‘seriously mental’ and ‘a fucking blackmailer’. This is about every six months so not that often.

DH cheated on me two years before we got married but only told me seven weeks before we got married, for years I knew something had happened but he kept denying it making me feel crazy and ‘mental’ for even asking him. He played mind games and lied and used to shout at me and be really aggressive slamming doors and just made me feel like I was loosing my mind, he eventually came clean. He came clean so close to the wedding I believe because he knew I would still go through with the wedding as my parents had spent thousands and family from all over the world were coming to celebrate with us, I couldn’t let anybody down I didn’t tell anybody about his affair, I still haven’t.

When DH gets angry he says horrible things to me but will always apologise after and say he doesn’t mean it, but I still remember and it really hurts. He says other hurtful things too but I don’t know if they are ok or not, ‘where’s “bobs” Mum not seen her for ages I like having a flirt with her’ or ‘you are not the best looking woman in world you know’.

If DH doesn’t get to go running he’s in a mood and all sulky, I had a bad back and couldn’t lift DS2 but I still had to take him to the park with DS1 whilst Daddy had a run. DH has friends over often and has a weekend away with his friends yearly plus lots of nights out/nights away with work. I have never been away from the children if I say I’m going to go out or do something Dh will say I’m being childish and it’s not ‘Tit for tat’, though another time he may suggest I get my hair done or something but I think this just to play with my mind. I do all the cooking and all the cleaning/ washing/ washing clothes and I’m the one to get up in the night with the children, I do everything! DH has to paint airfix for an hour and a half every weekend afternoon or gets annoyed i have to take the baby during this time, if the baby won’t sleep or gets up early he’s pissed off with me.

DH is a good Dad the kids love him to bits, he plays and messes with them and they love it! He can get a bit moody with them when they play up but nothing to much as long as I take the children and sort them out....e.g. during our eldest child’s sports day our two year old wouldn’t sit still (because he’s two and was bored watching other children have fun) I had to take him off husband and try to appease him and when I couldn’t DH got annoyed and started getting huffy saying things such as ‘omg you’re going to have to sort him out’ I’m scared of DH even though he’s never physically hurt me.

Me and DH were both really sick one weekend recently but he wouldn’t help at all, I had to take the children out so he could rest, I was throwing up and had to wear a adult nappy pad as I had diarrhoea. I felt awful sat in a soft play but I had no choice. The one and only time I asked DH to work from home or take a day off because I was so poorly he really refused. A few years back he sent me out with the dog on a dog walk even though I was being sick because he was working.

When I first started dating DH he locked me in a room and stood in the doorway during an argument so I couldn’t leave, I wish I had left him after that event, I replay this night in my mind so often and think how different things could of been for me. I don’t know what to do, I have no friends left I have never told anybody about my home life and I have no job I’m a SAHM.

DH can be lovely too he will pop to the shops near work and buy the kids a book or something, this is why it’s so hard and I’m not really sure if anything is really wrong. I feel a shell of the woman I once was, I’m not strong enough to leave I need him more than anything and I love him so much.

Sorry this is so jumbled I just wanted to write down what I have been feeling. I’m not sure what I want people to say, I just wanted to tell somebody. There’s lots more but feel like I have rambled on enough.

OP posts:
DAILYDOILEY · 02/08/2019 22:24

My God why are you still with this awful man.He talks to you like a piece of dirt. He sounds like a spoilt brat rather than a mature husband/father. For your sake and your children's get away from this awful man as soon as you can.

snowone · 02/08/2019 22:25

Hi OP - I'm so sorry to hear all of the things you have written and I'm sending you a virtual hug. If I were being honest with you I would tell you that I don't think your 'D'H is a Darling.....he is in fact a Dick!

If you were reading a post that someone else had written and it contained all of the things you have written down - what would you advise that person?

It's so easy to say leave when looking from the outside but I know how frightening it must be to think of what you would have to deal with if you did.

HOWEVER

You are strong enough to leave and you should leave. The way your 'D'H treats you will rub off on your children and they will soon start to treat you in the same way......and then their partners too!

I hope you manage to find the strength to stand up to him.

RiftGibbon · 02/08/2019 22:27

Bloody hell he sounds vile.
Leave him.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2019 22:31

Bloody hell he sounds vile.
Leave him.

This..

he is gaslighting you, he is ridiculing you, he is humiliating you, je embarrasses you, please tell us what is there to love or even like about this man besides the few glimpses of 'loving' behaviour ?

Teacakeandalatte · 02/08/2019 22:31

LTB and soon

31RueCambon · 02/08/2019 22:33

He is abusive. You say these episodes are "only" once every six monthes but he is training you not to challenge him. This is abusive

AnyFucker · 02/08/2019 22:36

"Good dad"

A good dad does not treat his children's mother like this

Troels · 02/08/2019 22:36

He's vile. He's also not a good Dad, a good Dad wouldn't abuse the mother of his children this was, he's a disney Dad he plays with them sometimes.

31RueCambon · 02/08/2019 22:37

The fact that he wouldnt allow you to be sick is absolutely shocking. My x would have tutted and sighed and i would have been made to feel guilty for being sick!! My x was abusive but your h is worse. My x wouldnt have made me go out with a nappy in. Im shocked. I thought nothing about abuse would shock me anymore

BananaFace5 · 02/08/2019 22:39

You are still the same strong woman, she is still in there, she's just lost her voice. Help her find it again. If you dont want to confront dh about it all then dont, but plan how to get away, tell a trusted friend or family member and store small bits of clothing etc with them slowly then when you go you dont have to walk out with big bags, although you could time it for during one of his runs. Dont tell him where youre going to begin with and write him out a letter. Also get help and professional advice
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Weenurse · 02/08/2019 22:40

Plan to leave as soon as you can.

SlipperyLizard · 02/08/2019 22:41

I’m amazed at how posters often describe behaviour that very much makes someone not a “good dad” and then goes on to say “he’s a good dad...”. No he isn’t, he is a terrible husband and at best a so-so dad.

Please try to get out if you can, you deserve better than him.

looondonn · 02/08/2019 22:43

LTC
Leave the c*t

Sorry you ended up with such a* loser

Stay well clear

It will get worse

I speak from experience

NotStayingIn · 02/08/2019 22:57

Maybe you writing this down is a sign that you realise this isn’t right and that it needs to stop.

I hope you find the strength to leave. Don’t waste any more of your life on this. And don’t stay for the children, there is no way this would be in their best interest. Flowers

Rojelio · 02/08/2019 23:02

That was sad to read, I hope writing it and realising that others agree it's quite shocking will help you find the strength to make plans to leave, good men do not act this way, he is abusive. Thanks for you

historysock · 02/08/2019 23:09

Get out as soon as you can.

IamtheOA · 02/08/2019 23:10

Is this real?
Dear God, it's awful!

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 02/08/2019 23:15

This is absolutely awful, you need to leave. I can imagine that you possibly fantasise what it would be like you and your DC's, but that could become a reality and it will be the best thing you will ever do.

And I am sorry, but he is absolutely not a good dad at all. Anyone who treats the mother of his children like this is despicable.

You can do this!

AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 23:16

I could've written a lot of your post myself. Except I got told on almost a daily basis that I was a stupid idiot, a waste of space, that I always fuck everything up etc etc etc.

I left with a lot of secret planning, and have been single with the DC for almost 7 years now. I'm still a shell of who I once was and still get slight panic attacks when I have to go out, but I'm gradually finding myself again and growing stronger.

Please have my second ever LTB. You deserve more than this. And this 'great love' you feel for him is probably more to do with dependency than love. He's trained you well Sad.

Ofallthebad · 02/08/2019 23:17

Actually you need him like a hole in the head.
He’s a domestic abuser.
Nobody needs one of those.
You say you have no friends, but I promise you , you will be surprised who appears when you need them. This is true for people who have thousands of friends and for people who have none. It’s often the people you least expect who are the most supportive.
People appear like angels when you take the first steps and support you.
There’s nothing to salvage from your relationship.
Can you get hold of any cash for your new life without him?

Ofallthebad · 02/08/2019 23:18

I echo the other posters btw
He’s a really BAD DAD.

Ozziewozzie · 02/08/2019 23:23

Your husband is an abuser. People don’t treat their animals like that! ( For those that do, get banned from keeping animals) I wish the same could be said for shit parents, from having children and abusive men and women from having any further relationships.
It’s an appalling way to treat someone and you deserve and are worthy of a million times better.
Think of your children. Would you like their partners to treat them the same way?
Show your children he is wrong to you and it should not be tolerated. If he’s such a great dad, then I’m sure he will maintain a positive relationship with the children Hmm
But to keep him in your life as your husband is a massive risk to their well being and of course to yours.

bwydda · 02/08/2019 23:33

You are living your life with a foul disgusting person. A dreadful husband. A bad father. (Oh he plays with them on his terms for short periods and loses his temper when they aren't good- that's a good uncle- NOT A GOOD FATHER!)

Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 23:39

Not often am I shocked but Christ almighty that was awful to read. He is a nasty vicious bully, get yourself and your DC away as soon as possible, he will get worse.

Louise190 · 02/08/2019 23:48

You are strong enough to leave and you should leave. The way your 'D'H treats you will rub off on your children and they will soon start to treat you in the same way......and then their partners too!

This. A thousand times over!