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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Talking about his ex too much, am I paranoid?

20 replies

Solar95 · 02/08/2019 19:58

Hi new here so sorry if this is the wrong place to post 😕
I've been with my boyfriend for around 7 months now, everythings been great, no arguing or anything which is brilliant 😊
A couple days ago he mentioned that his ex had messged him in October asking to go for a drink but he declined saying he was seeing someone. He told me he was thinking of me at this point because he had already met. We were no where near seeing each other, had met maybe 4 times and hadn't spoken in over a month.
He then offered to show me the messages after I asked what was said but then immediately backed out saying he was embarrassed. I had noticed the week before this he had called me by her name twice and now adding both together I fear something isn't quite right.
I tired to talk to him about this a couple days ago because he is away on holiday for 20 days and he snapped at me, saying he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
He's now away and I don't want to bring this up to him while he's out of the country for so long so now I'm sitting stewing and over thinking.
Am I just being paranoid or is there more to this?

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 20:00

You've been together 7 months. Why did he bother bringing her up now?

Either there's something he's not telling you, or he's bringing her up to see whether you get jealous, to test you.

Original poster

Solar95 · 02/08/2019 20:02

He's talked about her before but never mentioned the messages and has only recently started calling me by her name

OP posts:

BobTheFishermansWife · 02/08/2019 20:12

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time and not think too much about it.

It could be that something put her in his mind, it could be something as simple as a Facebook on the day memory and it reminded him that she had reached out to him and he mentioned it, and then thought twice about showing after offering, and thought it wasn't relevant.
Or it could be that she'd reached out more recently and he realised that October doesn't match the date that the message came through and he felt like a numpty for offering and didn't want you to know she'd been in contact.

As for the calling you by her name, I'd let it slide. I'd been with my oh almost a year and he sat next to me saying "Emily... Emily... Emily!! Goddam it I'm trying to show you something woman" needless to say my name isn't Emily, that was his ex who he'd split from 2 years before we met, so 3 years before that day...

Original poster

Solar95 · 02/08/2019 20:29

I wasn't that bothered by everything until I went to probe a bit further and got snapped at really. Now I just like I'm adding 2 and 2 and getting 5 😂
Thanks for your advice 😊

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2019 20:41

Seems a bit odd that he brought her random contact with him months ago up after he had recently called you her name twice.

Maybe he was just worried you noticed and felt he needed to preemptively tell you that there was nothing going on (eg because you asked him why he called you her name). Or maybe it was a shady lie to conceal something going on.

I'd assume the former for now. But maybe just keep an eye on things.

Dakota89 · 03/08/2019 07:23

I would try not look into it too much just yet, although I would be overthinking things too I've also been the one to accidentally call a partner by my ex's name. It was a fairly new relationship and I did it completely by accident I wasnt even thinking of my ex at the time so I have no idea why I did it. I did get a bit annoyed when my partner at the time kept bringing it up only because I was quite mortified I had done it all I could do was apologise. It could be either but all I would do for now is keep an eye on things like others have said.

Original poster

Solar95 · 03/08/2019 17:14

Yeah I'll definitely keep an eye on things 😊 thanks guys!
He's been away now for about 4 days and when he's been messaging me keeps changing the subject back to him so now I'm a bit annoyed 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Solar95 · 03/08/2019 17:36

So his mum has just phoned me telling me he got so drunk last night he wandered off and couldn't find his way back to his hotel. No mention of this from him at all. Now I just feel like he's hiding stuff from me

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 03/08/2019 18:34

Drinking to hide a guilty conscience i wonder...

Sounds like something's up.

Original poster

Solar95 · 03/08/2019 18:39

Crap really? I mean wondering off isn't a big deal but why not just tell me? And finding out from someone else was pretty shite as well, I wouldn't have even been angry about it but the complete lack of honesty has really thrown me. I'm actually really down about it now

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 03/08/2019 18:43

What did he talk to you and just fail to mention it? I guess he might have just been embarrassed.

Original poster

Solar95 · 03/08/2019 19:03

Yeah he's been talking to me all day basically, hasn't mentioned it once. He's done way more embarrassing stuff right in front of me so I don't really see how this wouldnt get mentioned 😕

OP posts:

Original poster

Solar95 · 03/08/2019 19:24

Great, he can tell me about his mate falling off a scooter but not this 😒

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 04/08/2019 07:40

It seems strange he told his mom and not you. If he was embarrassed surely he wouldn't want her to know either.

How bizarre.

Just try and enjoy yourself while he's away OP. Don't sit around waiting for him to contact you, just reply when it fits in with your day.

category12 · 04/08/2019 08:55

At this early stage, you don't trust him and things aren't right. Give it up.

Pinkbonbon · 04/08/2019 10:51

Could it be because the reason he was away from his hotel in the first place was he was looking for/ because he was with a woman. Cause that might explain why he would tell you absolutely nothing about it, incase he slipped up.

Mum4Fergus · 04/08/2019 10:56

Sorry but 2+2=5 here too. He's playing games of one sort or another, only he knows the what and the why. Cut your losses and move on

Original poster

Solar95 · 04/08/2019 11:28

I'll need to wait until after his holiday, I'll just be honest but better doing it face to face, that way I'll know if he's lying

OP posts:

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 04/08/2019 11:55

Well I wouldn't be shouting from the roof tops that I was so pissed I couldn't find my way home.

But weird his mum rang, he prob knows this so now you know what happened he doesn't need to tell you.

Often posters are way off the mark here. My exhusband started a thread about me once and everyone was telling him i was a prostitute!

Try not to drive yourself mad and just talk to him when he's home.

Original poster

Solar95 · 04/08/2019 12:16

Yeah that's a good point actually.
I'm hoping that's what's going on hear because now my minds going and I'm just jumping to conclusions, never felt like this before with him.
Yeah I think I'm just going to chill for the next 2 weeks and wait till he's home, he's been pretty normal today as well which was nice 😊

OP posts:

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