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Original poster

Do people subconsciously keep themselves single?

34 replies

PonderingsRoss · 02/08/2019 18:28

Sorry, this is a bit garbled.

I've been thinking about this lately. I'm 31 and haven't been in a real relationship since I was 20, with a man who was abusive and controlling.

Since I left him I've had a great life, and now have a job I love, loads of great friends, and an excellent social life, and yet I have never come close to a serious relationship again. It didn't bother me at all when I was younger, but for the last year or so I've thought I would quite like to be with someone. Not desperately, but I think it would be quite nice.

In pondering why I've never come close I've realised that the only men I've had flirtations or flings with have all been men who, for various reasons, I knew could and would never lead to a long term exclusive relationship. There is one man now who is lovely, my age, kind, great company, trustworthy and definitely is interested in me and in a proper relationship. I just don't fancy him at all.

I've genuinely started wondering if there's a subconscious barrier I'm putting up to available men? Is this something that happens? I don't think I'm bad looking or bad company, and yet I've been single for a decade whereas I've got friends who split up from relationships, even serious ones where they're engaged and living together, and within a few months they're with someone else.

What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 02/08/2019 18:41

Hi op, your only real experience of relationships was a negative one so you are possibly subconsciously protecting yourself.

In saying that it sounds like you have a full life as a single person.

If you don't fancy this guy, you don't fancy him. I couldn't be with someone I didn't fancy.

Would you consider online dating, just to get you out there meeting people?

Aussiebean · 02/08/2019 18:44

I once knew a guy who always seemed to date women who going to be unavailable.

So going overseas, moving for a job etc. Was a real pattern I found intriguing. I asked him about it and he didn’t have an answer

SpoonBlender · 02/08/2019 18:48

Yes, absolutely it can be a pattern of behaviour. Or it could just be luck of the draw, particularly if you don't have a large/changing pool of potential significant to scout out.

If you are sabotaging yourself, at least it isn't in an awful or dangerous way - you probably have a friend or two who are always attracted to the type who are covered in red flags!

Original poster
PonderingsRoss · 02/08/2019 18:51

If you don't fancy this guy, you don't fancy him. I couldn't be with someone I didn't fancy. Oh no, I'm not going to do anything, it wouldn't be fair to either of us, I just find it interesting I suppose that when there are no barriers to being with a man then those are the ones I tend not to be attracted to.

I wouldn't online date, it doesn't appeal to be at all. I am out socially several times a week and meet loads of people through work so I'm not just sitting at home expecting men to knock on my door, but I just don't meet anyone available who I also like.

That's interesting, aussiebean. I do wonder if a subconscious pattern to protect yourself.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 02/08/2019 18:52

I think I do this

Walkacrossthesand · 02/08/2019 18:53

I wonder that, too - ive been single for nigh on 25 years, reluctantly for the last 10, and I have to wonder if I'm somehow closed to possibilities. I don't feel like I'm passing chances by, maybe it's just that the odds have been stacked against me as I'm now pushing 60, but maybe I'm sending out a wrong vibe. Who knows!!

Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2019 18:53

...or you just don't fancy him lol.

I think you've probably just been surrounded by men not looking for a relationship. Yes that could be partly your own choices but also just the fact that they were younger and so were you.

Certainly don't settle for someone you don't fancy, it wouldn't be fair on either of you and the relationship wouldn't last.

Original poster
PonderingsRoss · 02/08/2019 18:54

you probably have a friend or two who are always attracted to the type who are covered in red flags!

Absolutely, I have some who go for men who are covered in red bunting. I'm usually deemed hypercritical of these men when I mention that maybe it's not okay for them to do X or Y, and then try and make an effort with them for the friend's sake till it inevitably goes tits up.

OP posts:
Original poster
PonderingsRoss · 02/08/2019 19:01

...or you just don't fancy him lol.

I think you've probably just been surrounded by men not looking for a relationship. Yes that could be partly your own choices but also just the fact that they were younger and so were you.

Yes, maybe. And yet many of my friends were going to the same places at the same age at the same time, and most, in fact nearly all, are in relationships now, and often not their first. They just seem to find it easy.

I seem to prefer it if a man is opposed to commitment, or lives in another country, or is far too old. I'm fine with them, I can find them attractive. A nice man my age who would like to settle down and treat me right? My body decides I don't fancy them. It's so strange.

OP posts:
Porpoises · 02/08/2019 19:07

I think I do this too. Since teenage years, the people who I feel attracted to are the unavailable ones.

It's maddening. Have started therapy to see if it can help.

toffeeapple123 · 02/08/2019 19:18

I wonder the same. But then I think so few men are actually fanciable...

Original poster
PonderingsRoss · 02/08/2019 20:23

I have wondered about therapy, Porpoises. I’m sure it’ll be said that it’s a defence against any further abusers. Or perhaps I just actually don’t want a relationship but the pressure of society not to be a single woman at 31 and happy about it is so great it convinces you that a relationship is what you want.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/08/2019 20:28

Sounds like you're a bit of a commitment-phobe, picking unavailable men. But keep your standards high.

Springfern · 02/08/2019 20:37

Maybe you have an avoidant attachment style. I learnt a lot from reading up on that

ChopinIn10Minuets · 02/08/2019 20:40

Perhaps you're hooked on adrenalin OP? Fear and excitement are basically the same hormone, and it can be hard to distinguish the fear that ought to be warning you some men are bad news from the excitement that comes from a relationship where you're still discovering new and interesting things about each other.

Sakura7 · 02/08/2019 20:44

Do you feel genuinely content as you are? Or do you want a companion and potentially a family? I would say 31 is still young and there's plenty of time if it's what you genuinely want.

It is possible that you have trust issues (I can relate to that). I think at some point you have to tell yourself that every new guy deserves the benefit of the doubt, and if they haven't done something to make them seem untrustworthy you should just go with the flow. As long as you fancy them of course!

user1471504234 · 02/08/2019 20:54

I am the female version of your friend, Aussiebean. Always going for men who are about to go off travelling or move abroad for work etc. I think I am attracted to their sense of adventure and freedom. Also I can ‘let go’ and be myself more when I know there is no future. It has caused me plenty of angst in the past but at heart I am happy being single. Maybe I like a relationship that will have a defined end point, nothing to put me off like a keen man who assumes I want marriage and kids!

LoubyLou1234 · 02/08/2019 21:06

I was like you OP, I lived a great life in my twenties I discovered travel and lots of fun. Relationships weren't a big deal for me I had( still have ) amazing friends and I was happy, independent and didn't feel I was missing out.

As I hit 29/30 I felt much more ready for a proper relationship. It took a while to find the right one but I probably did make more effort into finding him I suppose. I did find him -at 31/32 and we are still together now 8 years later.

I'm sure if we would have met earlier we wouldn't have been together, we met at the right time for us. If you feel ready maybe look at ways to meet somebody? Blind dates, OLD, nights out, whatever takes your fancy? But I know what you mean about some people falling easily into relationships!!

EttyG · 02/08/2019 21:12

Have a read of the article below and see if you can relate. I too am a long term single. I would love to be with someone but also afraid of being hurt. I kept seeing posters on various threads mention attachment styles and I read up on it yesterday and it was bloody eye opening. Especially this article. This has described me down to a T.

the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/

Not too sure where I go from here though! I can't really afford regular therapy at the moment.

EttyG · 02/08/2019 21:14

Oh and if you don't think that describes you then have a look at other articles on the same site, it gives more info on the other 3 attachment styles.

Likeazombi · 03/08/2019 00:49

I do this too.
The last proper relationship i had ended very badly..
since then I've had 2 flings, one with a much younger man who left to go travelling and one with a man my age but works away most of the year and is not really great for relationship potential, lovely, interesting guy that I'm very attracted to but I can't see it being more than it is.
I'm mostly happy alone, I have one child so I'm not in a rush to find anyone and I'm also wary of bringing men into my son's life.
I'm thinking I will wait until my son grows up to look for proper relationships.
Looking around me I don't know anyone that is in a relationship that I would be happy in myself.
I worry that I will become too stubborn and set in my ways from being alone for so long, I don't want to be alone for my whole life but I also don't want to compromise, feel controlled or get hurt again.
I'm definitely working to a pattern that goes beyond the two most recent men.

Scott72 · 03/08/2019 00:58

As unpleasant as your earlier relationship was, was it also exciting? Are you waiting for that same sense of excitement again?

Springfern · 03/08/2019 09:44

@EttyG ...me too! It's quite sad really

Original poster
PonderingsRoss · 03/08/2019 14:44

They're not bad men, though, Chopin. Just unavailable for relationships for whatever reason.

I'll read up that, Springfern & Etty, thanks.

Do you feel genuinely content as you are? Or do you want a companion and potentially a family?

I don't want a family, and I am happy. I just sometimes think how nice it would be to have a partner to watch a film with or go on holiday with. I do go on lots of holidays with friends, but I envy people who go away with their partners to romantic destinations. I sometimes envy my friends when they're just getting a takeaway with theirs partners on a Sunday night too though.

As unpleasant as your earlier relationship was, was it also exciting? Are you waiting for that same sense of excitement again?

No, it was the polar opposite of exciting. I couldn't go out, couldn't see my friends, couldn't wear what I wanted or do or say what I wanted etc. I would never, ever want anything like it again. I wonder sometimes if I could bear being in a relationship again because I'm not sure I could tolerate not being able to do exactly what I want when I want again.

OP posts:
Original poster
PonderingsRoss · 03/08/2019 14:46

Looking around me I don't know anyone that is in a relationship that I would be happy in myself. This is actually very true of me as well.

OP posts: