To cancel first date or not

[Lau247]

Hi

So I have a first date tonight with a guy from OLD I’ve been chatting to for around a month he’s a few years younger than me which at first wasn’t too sure but he seems mature.

However I’ve found out a few days ago he knows my ex and my ex’s friends he is particularly good friends with my ex’s friend rather than my ex.

My rship with my ex was toxic and a lot of things happened personal things that I no my ex confinded in his friend who the new guy I’m talking to knows.. baring in mind my ex is extremely close with his friend like grown up together.

Me and my ex tried to rekindle things recently and it didn’t work and we have now blocked each other on everything however I feel really comfortable meeting him now.. he doesn’t seem to care about my ex and said it’s not a problem for him I’m 99 percent sure my ex will find out about this if I go and regardless of what he’s done to me I’d be very hurt if he dated someone I knew.

Also a few red flags I’ve never had a phone convo with him just messaging and I’m worried convo may not flow and also he said he works but he never is actually at work.. posts on social media during the day at the gym etc

I feel like cancelling but I don’t know what to say he’s already messaged me this morning about it ! Ahh help

How will your ex find out?

Go date who you want. Don't let your ex's feelings dictate who you see.

It's only one date, perspective needed. If it isn't great, don't meet again.

Firstly, don’t overthink things. This is a first date, not a commitment for life. Meet, see whether conversation flows naturally, see whether it feels normal or awkward and go from there. And if there are still red flags after you’ve had a chance to actually talk, pure free to say thanks but no thanks.

It doesn’t sound like you’re over your ex, tbh. But regardless, you can’t let him take over your future as well. If this is somebody you like then so what if he knows your ex. My baseline of relationship “normal” is admittedly a bit different to most people's, but my entire social group is basically a nest of people who have dated or slept together or are dating, in various combinations and you really just get on with it after a while.

Go on the date. You will never know what you might have missed out on if you don't. I would be hurt if one of my close friends dated a recent ex but otherwise - meh!

@Windmillwhirl he will find out if this guy tells my ex’s friend as he will 100 percent tell my ex. I guess your right I just feel really nervous.

@ComtesseDeSpair I will admit I’m not completely over him but I have accepted it’s over and has been really for the last year I need to get myself out there and that’s what I’m trying to do I just feel it’s a bit of a downer on it that he knows my ex.

@CircleofWillis well this is a recent ex so I do feel a bit bad and I no I shouldn’t think about him.. but I’m also wondering if this guy will even take me serious if I got that far knowing I’ve been with someone he knows as ppl can be funny about it

Sorry. I wouldn't

Just go, have a nice evening, and you can clarify things in terms of job etc.

Is there anything your ex could have said about you you'd rather a new potential boyfriend didn't know?
If not, screw your ex. He doesn't get a say in who you date.

@newmomof1 well we went through quite a few personal things termination etc that I wouldn’t want to be exposed straight away.. also he painted me in a bad light to his friend and I wouldn’t want a potential bf to know any of this really as I don’t think the friend would have great things to say about me

@OhioOhioOhio I’m more with you right now tbh what are the reasons you wouldn’t ?

@Lau247 I completely get you wouldn't want him knowing about things like a termination but, worst case, any man worth your time wouldn't judge you based on something like that, and we all know to take anything anyone's ex says with a pinch of salt.

I think I wouldn't just because I value my privacy very highly and it all sounds a bit potentially messy regarding privacy. If this guy tells your ex's friend and the friend tells your ex, or ex tells the guy stuff about you, blah blah blah ... but it wouldn't be wrong for you to go ahead and go on the date. Just what you feel comfortable with.

@newmomof1 he seems really understanding and didn’t bat an eyelid really that I’d had a long term Rship with someone he knew but then I don’t know if that’s a red flag in itself maybe he just after one thing so isn’t bothered who I’ve been with as I thought men really cared about that kinda thing ??

@CousinKrispy I’m with you on it sounding messy and that is what is putting me off but I feel like I should have said this on the day I found out and not agreed to the date now I have no idea what to say and feel bad letting him down so last minute

To be fair him seems fairly mature about the whole situation. I don't think you've got anything to lose by giving it a shot!

Nope I wouldn't.

I would worry he knew all along and they'd discussed you already ( I am suspicious though)
Dating this guy would not be a clean break.

Because it was so awful. And I wouldn't want to do anything, on purpose, that might invite him and his crap, back in.

Because getting over him and his nasty crap was the hardest work I've ever done.

"Hi Bob. Sorry to let you down but I've been thinking things over and I don't think dating is a good idea seeing as our friend circles overlap quite a lot. All the best, Lau247"

That's how you put it.

I wouldn’t want to date him.

FuriousVexation's message sounds perfect.

You don't owe him anything other than polite cancellation at this point. It sounds as though you are indeed uncomfortable with the way your friend circles overlap. You don't have to make yourself go through with a date if you feel uncomfortable about it.

Depends how toxic the ex is, but bear in mind it is a known psychopath/sociopath move to get a friend to date someone who has gone No Contact.

Personally, if you felt you had to go No Contact, that includes all friends of the ex, however distant. But it depends how toxic you believe the ex to be.

I went in the end as I felt too bad cancelling at such short notice and I thought I should just bite the bullet.. it went okay and I had a laugh just not sure if he is for me yet .. he wants to see me again I think but I’m not too sure