Am I overreacting to this situation?

[grecianurn82]

I'll keep this as brief as I can. My dp and I (both f) are together a year and a half. Neither of our families really accepted the relationship, its first same sex relationship for us both. Her family have always left me out of family get togethers, parties etc. I accepted this until recently and put it down to it being a new relationship etc. However this weekend they are having a night away, dps parents, all siblings, their partners/husbands and children. Dp and I had a conversation about it a month ago. I told her I was hurt at always being left out of everything, especially this time when I'm the only one not invited. She agreed, said she was embarrassed by her families behaviour, would talk to them about it and wouldn't go without me. She spoke to them and they told her she was not to bring me. They used the excuse that it wasnt the right time for me to meet everyone. I commented at the time that I'd be really hurt if she went without me and she said shed feel the same if the situation was reversed. Shes now saying shes going. I haven't commented one way or another since she told me but I'm really really upset that my feelings matter so little to her and that she doesn't feel our relationship is worth standing up for.
For context we are discussing moving in together so I consider it a serious relationship and thought she did too. Im considering ending the relationship over it. Is that really dramatic? Am I overreacting in how I'm feeling? I had a similar situation with my family and I refused to attend the event (a dinner) without her.
My boundaries in relationships are rubbish, my only two other relationships were long term abusive relationships where I let everything go (lying, drinking, abuse) so the aggression didn't get worse. Its left me unsure of what is or isn't acceptable in relationships. Sometimes I think I'm inclined to let bug things go and over focus on little issues.

Could she be going to go and discuss this situation with her wider family?

Refusing to attend events can just look stubborn, by facing up to people and making a point of 'Yes my partner is at home- isn't that weird?' hopefully your family will find that more people are on your side than are not.

In any case, don't penalise your partner for going without you. Why not have an event yourselves for the next birthday/celebratory event and invite people to meet you as a couple?

That's a good idea about inviting people to something ourselves, thanks.

I wouldn't break up over it. Don't buy into the pitching yourself against her family thing, you will very likely lose. Instead keep communicating with her - you're hurt, how and when can/will she do what to stand up to her family that you are just as serious and as worthy as a male partner would be?

How is it working with your own family?

You have mentioned her family gatherings but what happens at yours?

Do you side have any family gatherings?
Do you go?
Is she invited?
Does she go or does she refuse?

I realise that the answers to most of these questions are reliant on the first answer.

Thanks. I really dont want her to choose between me and her family although I know it's coming across that way. I dont care when she had nights out with just her sisters or her mum etc, it's just so horrible when all the other partners are invited but I'm not because of my gender. I wouldn't allow my 13 year old daughter to exclude someone because of their sexuality like this, its sickening to see a group of grown women do it.

Sadly, I know from experience (I have been in the equivalent position to your dp) that with this sort of family it isn't ever likely to be the 'right time'.

Don't try and stop her going. Tell her honestly that it hurts you. Work out for yourself where your boundaries are. What if (as is likely IMO and E) this goes on for years? Then communicate those boundaries clearly to her.

My family rarely have gatherings, my other siblings live in another country so it's just me and my parents. They told me at Christmas they'd be uncomfortable if she came for dinner with me so I said that I would call down with the kids for an hour but wouldn't be staying for dinner as I didn't see why my brothers partners were invited and mine not. Since then we have had a dinner to celebrate something for my daughter which my parents wanted to organise (they were away for the original celebration and wanted to do something after for her) and they assumed my partner would be attending. They kist seem to have accepted that we do things as a couple/family bow as she attends events for my kids as well.

@CatteStreet I'm inclined to agree, I've met some of her family, her mum and two siblings so I think its just an excuse about not being the right time. The others have had opportunities to meet me but never taken us up on the offer to meet for coffee etc if we've been in the town where one of them lives for example. If they're unwilling to meet me then every time something like this comes up they'll be able to use it as an excuse. It's so frustrating, I've got on fine with the siblings I've met so all I can put it down to is that it's a same sex relationship. Her mum has openly said she doesn't approve and she would have a massive influence on everything that goes on so I do think its largely down to her.
What you said is exactly my concern, I do think I this could go on for years, which is why I put my foot down early with my own family, the longer these things go on the more awkward they get. She wont discuss it with them, shes afraid of falling out with them. I've let other stuff go over the last few months and I'm starting to worry that she just sees that it's easier to upset me because I wont cause a fuss whereas they will turn the whole thing into a big argument.

My sister has recently married her same sex partner. She was excluded from her wife’s family for several years but the turning point seemed to be when they bought a house together as it was clear to everyone that this be forever. It has taken many years but now everyone is playing happy families.
Without sounding rude you have only been together for 18 months and don’t even live together? My now husband and I didn’t go to all family events that early in our relationship. We only started spending Christmas together post marriage. I’m basically trying to say don’t let this ruin everything if you think this has long term potential.

OP - despite you saying you don’t want her to chose between you and the family - this choice comes through in the way you talk about her and them.
It’s like some sort of battle for approval that you seem to be fighting.
What’s more important to you - your relationship with your gf - OR - changing her family’s attitudes to same sex relationships?

Assume for a moment that they have a problem, and will never accept you - at least while the elders are alive. Then what?
Do you only stay with gf IF her family approves? Do you want her to never see her mom because mom doesn’t like you?
Do do you prioritise the important stuff and live your life with your in a pragmatic way - focusing on you two, and giving each other some space with families?

@Postmanbear thank you. I know it has been a relatively short time and with previous relationships I wouldn't have gone to everything, it's just occasionally would be nice and the fact they have made a point of telling her I'm not welcome is hurtful. How was your sister while it was happening, was she upset by it?

It's appalling in this day and age people still have these attitudes.

Can't she invite you as a friend? I know it's sort of denying your relationship still, but at least you'd be there.

Does everyone know she is gay? I'm assuming not? She's not fully out the closet?

Yes she was upset by it but I think they both took the view that despite their outdated views on same sex relationships it was not worth her losing her entire family over. It was possible for them to have a happy life and for her partner to occasionally see her family on her own. As the poster above says, don’t turn this into them verses your relationship as your poor girlfriend loses either way.

@MMmomDD thank you, that's a very practical view on things and not something I could probably have reasoned myself at the moment because I'm possibly too emotional about it. You're right, my relationship with her is more important and it genuinely isn't a case of expecting her to choose, she lives with her parents at the moment so I do understand she isn't in a position to upset them too much or else her living situation would be intolerable. It's just hard knowing a group of people who will (possibly) be in some way connected to you from now on wont accept you for a reason which I just cant see as acceptable.

@Bluntness100 her family know we are in a relationship so I'm just not welcome full stop. Shes open about the relationship, I've been out with her and her work colleagues, I've met her friends, they're all really happy for us. It's just her family with the issue. I cant get over people still feeling this way, my 13 year old was "going out" with another girl briefly earlier this year and I made it quite clear that it once she was happy I couldn't care less and the girl was made more than welcome in our house.

slate.com/human-interest/2019/07/rescue-neglected-dog-advice.html

Fourth question down may give you something to consider. This situation is a bit more extreme but the answer may help.

Very sorry that both your families seem homophobic.

I don’t think she’s U to go this time, but she would be U to go to all family occasions without you, and / or to let the situation with her family excluding you to drift on.

moving in with her so soon would not be a good idea, especially given your relationship history, that it’s not yet clear whether or not your DP will challenge her family, or put you in a box, and when you have DC to consider

I don't understand why the advice is any different to if a hetero partner of 18 months wasn't invited to a family 'do'.

Pretty sure then it would be a 'you have a DP problem'

Also your DP said she wouldn't go, and has now reneged on that.

Just when is she going to step up and back you up? When you move in? When you marry? Ever?

I wouldn't end it over this, particularly as you are both navigating new waters, but I also wouldn't move in with someone who didn't have my back.

Yeah I dont think moving in together will be happening any time soon. It was something we were discussing for further down the line anyway, its definitely too soon at the moment.
@ChristmasFluff I suppose I worry that she never will back me up. This was the first time she has said she would and not only has she refused to even tell her family that shes disappointed that I wont be there, she's just going along with the w bi ole thing like they're behaviour is completely fine and doesn't bother her a bit. Then shes co.ing complaining to me that she doesnt want to go. Its not her families behaviour that's annoying me, its hers.

She spent all yesterday evening picking fights with me (by text). She refused to take my call when I answered. I think in some way shes trying to justify in her own head going but it's a horrible way to do it. Apparently her work friends asked her yesterday if I was going, they assumed I was and thought it was strange when she said no so i think that's annoyed her as well. I hate arguing by text, she knows that but started it anyway. It never gets us anywhere. So fed up this morning.