Could I be happier?

[NinaMimi]

I read an article a while ago which said that some people end relationships not because they're unhappy or don't get on with the person, it's because they think they could be happier with someone else. What do you think about that? Is that your experience? Do you think those people regret it?

I've read a few of the threads on here and some people are in truly horrible situations. I'm lucky not to be. My partner is kind and considerate etc.

I'm early thirties. I've been with my partner for around 4 years and we live together.

I'm writing here as there's no one I can really talk to about my relationship. I don't have a great number of friends and the ones I do have either know him or I don't feel comfortable enough talking about such issues and wouldn't even know how to bring it up. Likewise, I don't have anyone in my family I could talk to.

It sounds really superficial and I feel it probably doesn't make me a great person, but one reason I'm thinking of leaving is that I'm not physically attracted to him. I feel guilty about this.

There are other things and his views on some things don't align with mine, which can sometimes bother me, but realistically it's hard to find someone who will be a perfect fit.

I'm in my early 30s and I feel it's an important time. I missed how it was ten years ago when relationships didn't automatically become so serious. I'm also failing at reaching all the goals you're supposed to have by this time (and which I genuinely want), such as being financially independent and children.

I was last single in my late twenties and so now the thought of dating again, now in my 30s, seems quite scary especially as I'm quite shy, and the older you get the more difficult it seems to be.

The issue of whether I should leave has been on my mind for a while and I do feel it holds me back from fully committing and settling down here. I sometimes think that I'm lucky to have what I do and that my life is good here, and that I should just fully commit, other times I think I'll regret it. I just wonder if that feeling that you've found the person you truly love and want to be with actually exists for me.

I’ve honestly never met anyone who has left a serious relationship and regretted it. It just takes so much strength and stress emotionally and practically to put the two of you through the trauma of breaking up, people don’t do it lightly.

It sounds like you’re not happy with him and don’t see the future you want with him so you should walk away. It’s important to be attracted to the person you’re committed to.

Question is, would you be happier single? There aren’t any guarantees in life that you’ll meet someone else, in time for a family especially, so I would weigh up whether you’ll be happier staying or being single and make your decision based on the answer to that, while hoping that you’ll meet someone and taking steps to make that happen when you have broken up and healed.

Dating in your thirties is easier than in your twenties as people who want to settle down and be serious are ready to do so and things can move quite quickly if you both know what you want. I know lots of people who split from long term relationships in their thirties, chose only to date people who were ready for commitment and actively wanted kids/marriage etc, were engaged within a year, married before two and trying for a baby during the engagement period or once they got married.

I could have written your post a few years ago. I'm now 11 years married. I wish I'd gone back then..those small things fester and become bigger things. I thought because he was essentially a good man, I'd be foolish to leave. I wish I'd listened to my gut. I'm now at the stage of leaving, his head is buried in the sand, and it all really hurts. I've no advice but, that's my story.

I don't know that you'd be happier if you left, but I do believe it's worth taking that risk if you're not as happy as you deserve to be.

I've been far happier single than I have been in relationships.

That said, my son is an adult and I appreciate it may be different for those who are wanting {more} dc.

For me physical attractoon is probably The most important part of a relationship & so if I was in your shoes I would have to start again. But that's me.

As for some of your other issues. Dont get so hooked up of the "norm" or what you think is expected just because you are in your 30's. Live YOUR life the way YOU want to. Whether that is by having kids, not having them, being married or being single. Do what makes you happy.....everything else will then fit into place.

I wouldn't stay with someone I wasnt attracted to physically and for me physical attraction comes with the connection and not about looks. The fact that his views and he irritates you, doesn't make for a great relationship. At nearly 50, I'd much rather be on my own than with the wrong person and especially at your young age, without kids, settling is not something that I'd recommend.

Really depends if you want children. If so, l would be inclined to settle otherwise you risk being single and a very loud biological clock ticking. It's all about what your priorities are because very few people get everything they want.

Thanks for the replies. It was really helpful to read them. I also like people who are being honest. I get that you can't have a fairy tale relationship. I also understand that there's a limited time to have children. I am in my early 30s, so there is still time to date and find someone to settle down with to have children. I know that after 35 your fertility dips but it's still possible. I have relatives who had kids in their late thirties.

Please leave if you aren't physically attracted to him. You are young.

Good on you for asking this. I'm in a similarish position to you but I'm 40 now! I've been with my now H on and off since our mid-twenties and I've never been sure! ... so unsure that I haven't been able to go through with kids with him, even though I want them. I am attracted to him, he's a good man in many ways but he can be short-tempered and emotionally neglectful. It's crazy to see all that written down and realise I still choose to be here. It's no joke leaving a long-term relationship and I guess that's why I'm still here.

I suppose my 'advice' to you is...you can stay in a state of indecision indefinitely! I have!

Btw, I'm not advising that you stay in a state of indecision! I'm relaying that clarity doesn't always come, which makes big decisions oh so difficult. I still wish I had clarity one way or the other. I've read the books, done the counselling etc but still not sure!

I think if you're not physically attracted to him then it's going to lead to much, much bigger problems and it would be better to get out now rather than go through them. The chance of one of you being unfaithful is much higher - you meet someone you fancy and him because presumably he's sensing you're not that attracted to him. If you have a baby things will get worse, not better.

What are the other things you differ on?

Also try and think with your head, not your heart.

Would he be a good partner? Is their unconditional support? Are those differences superficial or will they cause fights? Would you want your children having them?

How do you think he will react when you are pregnant, sick and stressed? Or when the baby comes? Will he be supportive or will he add to the stress?

How are you on finances? Similar attitudes or different?

Don't ask, "could I be happier?". Ask, "am I happy enough?". Happy enough to stop wondering if I could be happier, happy enough to have no regrets, happy enough to be give the relationship a fighting chance? Happy enough that it's fair to my partner, who surely believes I am? Happy enough not to have my head turned, or to resent the compromises a relationship requires?

I left when I was 40. I never did find my mr right but I don’t regret leaving one bit. Im so much happier in myself now. I missed my opportunity to have children by staying to long. The PP who says that issues fester as time goes on is spot on. I should have left when I was your age. That’s my biggest regret in life. Good luck whatever you decide

Honestly? If you’re considering leaving you should probably leave. Relationships especially when kids are involved (even further down the line) test even the stronger of relationships. I didn’t trust my gut. I have very low esteem and a few other issues and in hindsight shouldn’t have married my husband. But we have kids now and some have Sen. I don’t work so I’m essentially trapped. He’s not a bad man but I realise we are quite difficult. Good luck.

Nearly finished a book called Too good to leave, Too bad to stay..I can't recommend it enough. I really do see things clearly now, almost like your own therapist. Its non biased. Doesn' push you one way or another. It helps you decide. If you do anything..read that.

Same as @Humanswarm. Though not read the book. But keep thinking I should. 16 years in and finally dealing with the consequences of the niggles you describe that I also had that early on. Honestly, they don't go away. I'd say either discuss them and try and get your relationship to where you want to be or leave now. But for goodness sake don't just try to ignore it. It simply does not go away.

I read that book and I still didn’t know what to do after reading. Just like Expergefactor & another PP, I have never been sure. Does never being sure mean you should go? I do not know!

I think @@slamdunkdadunkay, that you're waiting for a big sign. I waited for real proof, if you like, that this was intolerable. Made excuses. We never argued. Then slowly, the little nuances, get bigger and a couple of weeks ago, I finally snapped..no going back for me now. I know that, and the book really helped to see that too. He doesn't see it. He is happy. That's what makes this so hard!

Humanswarm, can I ask how long you pondered those nuances?! I am having counselling and have just started the book with the hope of finding some defining clarity..I am just not sure it's going to be there and feel like I will be stuck in indecision for ever! I have children, though the decision then presents just a different set of problems!

Not being physically attracted to someone would be a deal breaker for me. I know that sometimes attraction can come from personality first and looks second, but it has to be there.

I think there’s a risk of always chasing a ‘happier’ life but you genuinely sound like you’re no longer in love with him. That wouldn’t be a good standing to a more committed relationship with children etc.

Torres10..for maybe 6 years!! But the last few years with more intensity. I got stuck in the trap of thinking it could be a lot worse. Which indeed it could..but it could also be a lot better. Having said that, one part of the book asks you to think about when you were happiest. Was that happiest the best it could have been? I remember lying in bed on my wedding night, 11 years ago thinking, oh fuck. So..yeah. I guess I always knew.

Yeah I need a sign ! I’ve had so many, we decided to split, still spending time together as in the same house. I wish to god I never married. Such a huge mistake.

Sat on a beach with the family, this is the last time. I feel strangely calm.