How do I get over this?

[WantingMoreFromLife]

I've posted before about ongoing problems with my DH but I'm stuck in a rut and don't know how to get myself out of it. In short, my DH developed a MH problem (Delusional Jealousy) 2 years ago and we separated about a month ago. He hasn't been the best partner for the last 17 years but I have worked so hard to make the relationship work that I'm just devastated that it's all gone down the drain for no reason.

He is cold and distant because he believes I've been cheating, lying and putting him through hell when in all honesty, it's me who's been treated like dirt and abandoned when I'm at my most vulnerable. I know that his MH makes it real to him so he is suffering as well but he smokes funny stuff daily to keep him relaxed and is also on dopamine blocker medication. But he is in complete denial that anything could be wrong with him so that makes me the enemy.

I'm depressed, cry all the time and I feel lost and betrayed and broken. On the one hand, I want to stop contact all together aside from when we pickup and drop off the kids but on the other hand, he's a habit and I can't stop myself from calling/texting him when the impulse gets too strong. I've been emotionally alone for 2+ years and I'm falling apart. I'm getting regular counselling but I've just been on this mission to make him see the truth for so long that it's become an obsession. I want/need to talk it through with him - he never wants to discuss it again but I feel so persecuted that I am struggling to put it behind me especially when I still have so much love for him.

Help! How can I stop this self destructive behaviour before it destroys me more (if that's even possible)?

Ltb

You've hit the nail on the head when you say you need to stop contact.

Is he living elsewhere now? You HAVE to stop emailing. Or calling.

Come here instead...whenever you get the urge. We'll help.

HennyPennyHorror, he is living in our family home. I bought down the road because we both needed to be close to the kid's high school.

I crucified myself yesterday. Knew I shouldn't do it but was feeling alone and pathetic and asked him to come and stay the night just for cuddles. I knew that if he came, it would be worse today. I knew that if he didn't come over, I would be devastated. He didn't and of course, now I'm devastated all over again.

I just don't understand why this has happened to me/him/us.

You need to take control of your life by keeping your contact with him to a minimum.

His smoking weed is exacerbating his problem. He is not your problem to fix.

Yes, it hurts when relationships end, but he played a big role in that happening and he has to face the consequences.

You are being far too accomodating. It's time to toughen up.

Have you told people in real life how bad he is or are you protecting him?

I want/need to talk it through with him - he never wants to discuss it again

You really need to take this on board and stop communicating with him, OP. You KNOW that he isn't interested - so try to toughen up and move ahead without him. Come and talk on MN when you need to - but don't keep talking to him. It isn't going to help at all, you'll never be able to "talk him through it" since it is him who caused all this. You can't fix him - move on and take care of yourself.

What medication is dopamine blockers ? Do you mean beta blockers some people are prescribed for anxiety? I ask this because “Delusional jealousy” is not a medical diagnosis. It’s a symptom of something, sure but not as a stand-alone label.
Myself have bipolar 2 and am sympathetic to those who go through mental health issues. However now mental health is more accepted to discuss in today’s society, some people really do abuse this in order to excuse poor behaviour personality traits.

If he's smoking a lot of weed, paranoia is a common side effect.

Or he might just be an abusive arse who uses "delusional jealousy" to control and abuse you.

You really are better off without him but I understand that after decades that's very hard to hear.

Can you make a plan of things you can do to help yourself when you feel the urge to contact him and beg for crumbs of affection? EG - post on MN; contact friends or family members; do something physical to distract you, such as going for a walk and leaving your phone at home; if you have dc and depending on their age, do something with them such as playing a game (monopoly is cheap on Xbox store!)

You say you want and need to talk it through with him. You will never get the answers you seek from him. Better to get counselling yourself and ask "why did I put up with his shit for so long". Its hard to do that self reflection but you will never move on fully until you do.

Good luck op 🌷

After having been somewhat isolated for the last year and a half, I don't have any real friends near me. I have a sister who really doesn't want to hear anymore. I am getting counselling but she's away for a couple of weeks so I'm feeling a bit lost and lonely. I am trying too do the NC thing but it's so hard when I want him to get better if not for mine, at least for the kids. I'm torn between for better or worse, in sickness and in health and commonsence. Thanks for the support. :)

My phone has a different login and I'm posting from there. Can't remember my password on either.

I think this will explain a lot - ignore that it says 'narcissist' in the title - it applies ot any relationship where the person hurts you, yet you yearn for them. It is more like an addiction than love, and this article explains why, and how to begin to heal

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/

Buy a ddog.
It will be a reliable, honest and caring companion.
KEEP THAT TWAT AWAY.