Ignoring is abuse

[ign0re]

I read on a thread somewhere earlier today that ignoring someone is abuse.
I was a bit taken aback because I'm always really paranoid about being 'abusive' in a relationship because I didn't have the best examples growing up.

So... Will give you the full story so I don't have to dripfeed when further details are asked for.
The other night my partner went out with his friend, they returned to ours at 3am, woke me up when they came in and to my surprise I could hear a 3rd voice, a female. So I called my partner to come upstairs and asked who was there, and he said his mate and this girl they had met when they were out but he was happy to just leave them downstairs and come to bed with me. I said no, I don't really feel comfortable sleeping with some stranger in our house downstairs.
I didn't fully understand the situation, the girl was getting with our friend but he has a girlfriend so I didn't read the situation as that initially.
Anyways, in general I wasn't best pleased with my partner bringing a girl back from a night out.
So I got up, and sat with them all whilst they continued to drink.
Our friend kept apologizing asking if I'd like him to leave etc, however this girl was completely oblivious to the fact she might not be welcome. She was over enthusiastic and kept complimenting me which I to be quite honest, was rude about because I had no time for this falseness. Instead of being overly nice, how about you leave?! What single girl hangs around men in relationships that she's just met anyway? Sorry, I'm going off topic, this girl really irked me...
Anyways, I had work at 9am and I kept saying to my partner, I wouldn't be leaving for work whilst this girl was still in my house, it just unsettled me.
Low and behold, it got to me having to leave for work and she was showing absolutely no signs of leaving.

So eventually, rather grumpily I left. Having been up since 3am.

An hour or so later my partner rang me and said they'd eventually left but he couldn't fathom why I'd be annoyed.

Like literally, he could not understand.
I put it down to him basically still being drunk and expected an apology but it never came.

So I was out for dinner, came back a little late last night, when I arrived, he was shouting hello from the living room cheerily but I just ignored him, went and showered and then went straight to bed in the spare room.

He has just tried to call me, I haven't picked up, and he's then text saying hello?
Again, I've ignored.

I just don't feel like talking to him until I have an apology to be honest.
But I was shocked to read that perhaps this is abusive.

So I'm completely willing to hear that I'm being abusive and how I could better deal with this but to me it's a fair reaction to the circumstances but completely understand my perception may be skewed by my upbringing.

Sometimes it's difficult to say exactly what this is.
But he is not a mind reader.
Although he should figure it out for himself, you need to talk to him about this.
Tell him you want an apology and an understanding that this does not happen again.
Give your reasons. Then talk about it.

Needing a cooling off period is fine.
Sometimes it's best all round if a person leaves the situation to cool down.
But to drag it out without a discussion is just not very adult.

Bringing someone back to your place to facilitate cheating at 3am? Yup ignoring him permanently is a great option. Except it doesn't actually solve anything.

If he doesn't want to apologise, it's because he's not sorry.

Why didn’t you just ask the friend and the girl to leave, especially as he kept offering? I imagine the friend had told the girl he was single or at least not mentioned he had a gf. Your partner was BU to bring people back when you had to get up early for work, but you could easily have gone downstairs and politely asked them to leave, rather than passive aggressively sat with them. Talk to your partner and tell him why you’re pissed off! Much easier to discuss things clearly and openly than play games and give the silent treatment

lovely response thanks @hellsbellsmelons I explained what my issues were yesterday on the phone but he said I was being silly etc, I was hoping after a bit of time and sobering up, he'd see that perhaps an apology was necessary, I just don't want to spoon feed the reasons he should apologise to him but yes perhaps I'm just being a bit childish and should get on with have a chat about it.

@MrsTerryPratchett You've summed up my main 2 issues very well. I hate that he was allowing this to happen and that he's not sorry.

@dodgeballchamp
I should have asked them to leave, I really should have and I came downstairs with the intentions of this.
The truth is, I had no issue with the friend being there, it was just the girl. I felt uncomfortable on so many levels - a complete stranger in our house, the fact that she was being very flirty, and just had the complete hide of a rhino.
I wish I'd got the courage to ask her to leave but I couldn't. I asked my partner to but he wouldn't either.
I told him why I was pissed off yesterday but he replied that I was being silly. So dunno where to go from there but realise that ignoring isn't the answer.

Thanks for your replies xx

Actually whereas I can see where you are coming from deliberately ignoring until you get the apology you want is abusive behaviour - no matter how much he was wrong initially over a day later not answering or responding until he apologises is wrong

and truthfully look at it from his perspective he told you what was going on and he gave you options. The friend then asked if you wanted him to leave. Two points where you should and could have said please leave.

So I kind of see why he cant fathom it - he told you, you were asked did they want to leave and instead of saying how you felt you quietly seethed and now want him to say sorry

Because really you are annoyed that he faciliated his friend cheating on his girlfriend which is actually not the responsibility of either of you

fair points @quartz2208 I know I didn't deal with it particularly well, the fact is I really didn't mind his mate staying, it was the girl I had the issue with so when he kept apologizing for being around I kept saying I don't mind, you're always welcome but had no idea how to politely ask the girl to leave. I don't do well with no sleep so was probably not thinking straight being woken up at 3am on a 'school night'.
I will respond to him now.

You ignored an unwanted visitor and then your DP. The only person suffering from 'abuse' here is you.

You're treating yourself terribly badly by not having the courage to tell unwanted visitors to leave immediately. You don't need to be polite about it either! There's nothing polite about turning up at a stranger's house at 3am so you owe the woman sweet fa.

Had you had the self-esteem/courage/confidence, call it what you will, to tell the unwelcome guest to leave you wouldn't now feel the need to ignore your DP in anger.

Don't blame yourself for this but take it as a learning experience and take steps to improve your self-confidence so that you're not ever put in the situation again.

Finally, rather than ignoring your DP I feel that you need to sit him down and ask him what the fuck he thought he was playing at in bringing a complete stranger into your home at three in the morning and allowing her to remain there for so long.

Thanks @MartiniDry
My self-confidence seems to be dwindling.
Really great advice, thank you.

why is your self confidence dwindling - I know you dont want to dripfeed but how is your relationship other than this?

Ignoring someone is passive aggression, and yes, it qualifies as silent treatment, which is considered abusive. But it has become so normalised, because many of us grew up seeing our parents do it.

As @MartiniDry says, the answer to this is assertiveness, which is about honestly and calmly expressing your needs and requirements, rather than stuffing down your anger until it comes out as passive aggression.

So instead of sitting seething about the woman who came home, you say to the friend, 'I really don't mind you staying, but this Lady I Don't Know can't stay, so it's up to you if you go too.'

And rather than ignoring your partner in an attempt to coerce him into apologising, or him seeking you out and asking what's wrong etc (because this is really a punishment for his lack of thought, isn't it, at heart?), you would last night have said, 'don't bring strange people home again, it's unacceptable and when you have sobered up I expect an apology'.

I used to do the silent treatment on people who upset me because I learned it from my Mum. It was such a relief to learn a different way to be! And the thing is, a healthy person will run a mile from someone who does the silent treatment.

Oh, and silent treatment is very different to needing space. Needing space is, 'I'm too angry/upset/worried/ to be around you right now. Let me take half an hour/a walk for a couple of hours/a night away to calm down and then we can discuss this calmly.'

Don't be hard on you for 'being an abuser', it is more what is called 'narcissistic fleas' - what you pick up when you lay too long with a toxic person, for instance a parent. But you clearly are willing to change, so I'm sure you will. And you will feel so much better for it

Thanks @ChristmasFluff this is really wonderful all round advice and you're so spot on in your points.
I need to get better at vocalizing what I'm feeling, I just always worry that I'm being unreasonable/horrible/mental... all the things I was repeatedly told I was as a child/teenager and believed until recently.
It's just a hard road changing my thought processes, doesn't happen over night but advice like this really does truly help.

@Quartz2208 how long have you got?! Relationship is pretty good other than this. I'd say my confidence issues are down to the age I'm at and reevaluating my upbringing and relationship with my DM, and how despite the fact I've finally ticked off all of the things she needed me to achieve to be a decent, respected citizen of this earth, she still doesn't like me.

I used to do what you did until I had a boyfriend who was very clear about how unacceptable it is. When I actually realised that (something which I think you are realising too), then it wasn't too hard to change. Try to be aware of when you are starting to be deliberately silent with someone and then make a conscious effort to instead say what is upsetting you. I found it needed a bit of practice but it wasn't actually that hard to do, and so, so much better than the passive aggressive silence.

I would not be happy with this. Her complimenting you, was a sign of guilt.
If it was my dh doing this, I would be giving an ultimatum.

Can I ask about this? Because it’s a pattern of behaviour my OH and I are in. He refuses to apologise for anything. I explain how I feel, he dismisses how I feel, I can’t get through to him, he dismisses how I feel and I cant just go back to being normal straight away because I am upset and angry and in that moment, don’t want to engage with him. How do you break that pattern? I’d never thought of myself being abusive before - I hadn’t thought of it as stonewalling - but i guess it is? I’ve certainly known it was unproductive, but never how to deal with it.

I’d be fucking furious, I’m surprised you didn’t stab the lot of them to death with a nearby spoon!

Men can be a bit clueless so explain clearly why it was absolutely unacceptable behaviour and ask for an apology.

If he refuses he can sleep outside!

Why didnt you tell them to leave? Or tell your partner or the friend? And girl? How old was she? It's okasking what sort of girls hang around men in relationships but what sort of men pick up women when they're in relationships? They sound like absolute predators and how are you ever going to trust your partner staying with this friend if they're willing to facilitate cheating for each other?

I wish I'd got the courage to ask her to leave but I couldn't.

You could but you chose not to.
Instead most of your vitriol is reserved for this woman, not the cheating scumbag friend or his enabling wing man. Funny how the female gets the most blame.

Your partner knows you well enough to know you wouldn’t say anything and therefore he would get his own way. Why did you delegate the prioritisation of your needs to someone who doesn’t appear to care?

You had every right to be annoyed but PA is such a counterproductive means of communication because it undermines your valid argument by putting a petty gloss on it.

Write down how you feel and read it out loud, so that you can hear yourself telling him how you feel.