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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I having the piss taken out of me

29 replies

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 14:34

Hi all
I am male 42 diagnosed with motor neurone disease 2 years ago my marriage lasted a few months after diagnosed.we have two kids 11 and 9 so I am still living at the family home so I can see them every day ‘at first this worked ok but more and more I am feeling like I am doing everything ‘my wife (separated) sleeps at her mums every 2 weeks to catch up on sleep as she says she’s knackerd but the last 2 months it’s become weekly ‘Tuesday I phoned her at work but was told she’s on holiday today bearing in mind I have them all summer on my own and also found out she’s not been resting but going out ‘I do every school run and have them every school holiday apart from Xmas as her work shuts down for holiday ‘I make every meal and do the house work I just feel like it’s not fair ‘I saw my specialist last week with my ex and she said he’s doing to much and needs to rest more an hour later she’s asking to sleep at her mums I could never dream of doing that to anyone let alone someone i was with for 20 years
What do you guys think

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 01/08/2019 14:36

Do you not qualify for a carer? It sounds too much....she's taking the piss because you're there all the time.

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 14:41

I do but I can still do most things and want to remain independent for as long as possible as it helps with confidence ‘I am thinking of getting my own place then we would have to split everything 50/50

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 01/08/2019 14:42

Well even 50/50 might be a bit much...but if you qualify for a carer, why not use them to do things like the washing up? You dont have to relinquish childcare to them...

Doyoumind · 01/08/2019 14:44

I doubt she's at her mum's to be frank.

You need to have a plan for when your condition deteriorates, I understand. I assume that's why you've stayed there but it's not a solution if it impacts negatively on you.

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 14:50

No I stayed there to see the kids every day as she said when I end up in a chair I will have to go in a home ‘no I know I am pretty sure she’s in a relationship but that’s no longer my business as she is single to do as she pleases

OP posts:

AnneKipanki · 01/08/2019 14:53

Do you both still live in the same house?

Doyoumind · 01/08/2019 14:54

So it suits her to have you around doing everything while you are useful and when you aren't you get booted out?

I would get things in place now so that you have somewhere you can live for as long as possible, with help, that means the DC can also spend time with you.

Lunde · 01/08/2019 14:57

It sounds very stressful for both of you trying to live together in the former marital home when you are separated.

I think that it would be much better for you and your ex to establish separate living accommodation.

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 15:02

Yeah we still live in the same house but I am starting to look for somewhere after what happened this week ‘I

OP posts:

Windygate · 01/08/2019 15:09

Can I just clarify, you are doing child care, school runs, housework, cooking etc etc. Your STBXW has mainly moved out of the family? If that's correct you are the resident parent and you need to legal advice. You would also benefit from an assessment from social services for you and the DC to see what support is available. You need to protect the DC's futures

AnneKipanki · 01/08/2019 15:37

It must be very difficult . MND is an awful disease , as you are well aware.
Definitely , as others have written , get living arrangements , and support for you sorted out .

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 15:46

Hi
No she lives there but is at work from 730 am to 630 pm so i am around for everything but my point is I didn’t mind as much because that’s what we had to do but to find out she’s booking days off work for herself when I am at home with the kids isn’t fair it’s just more pressure on me

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 01/08/2019 15:50

The fact that your condition hasn’t deteriorated already is amazing. I suggest you seek legal advice - you are the resident parent and so you could be allowed to live in the house with the kids. You also need to sort out a will to ensure your share of everything goes to the kids directly and not her and her new partner.

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 15:56

Yeah I am just short of 2 years from diagnosed
68 % don’t get to 2 years
88% don’t get to 3 years
So I am pleased with my health but I am young most people are much older who get it

OP posts:

PaterPower · 01/08/2019 16:11

On the will side I would also look at getting your divorce done, otherwise it’ll pretty much all default to her anyway (unless that’s your intention?)

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 16:22

That’s what it is as a month after I was diagnosed she took me to the solicitors to get my will done ‘yeah looks like I am going to be busy ha

OP posts:

Windygate · 01/08/2019 18:44

@Mikey88 you need solid legal advice and quickly. You need to make sure the DC are provided for so any occupational pension etc and without wishing to be morbid or negative you need to see what can be done to protect your assets, if you have to go in to a nursing home you may well have to pay for it. There are perfectly legal ways to minimise this but you need to act fast. www.mssociety.org.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvLPQw5zi4wIVy7HtCh3FsQ7cEAAYASAAEgIRJ_D_BwE this might be a good place to start. Good luck and stay well.

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/08/2019 18:56

Thank you

OP posts:

AnneKipanki · 01/10/2019 07:50

How are you now @Mikey88 ?

Tilltheendoftheline · 01/10/2019 08:15

Well even 50/50 might be a bit much...

A bit much for who? The mother or the OP who is already doing everything?

OP I suggest you divorce. Sort out all the finances asap. I fear she is remaining married to you for the benefits of your passing. If you wait too long she could end up being able to have you declared mentally incompetent and the divorce not happen. She is doing this while enjoying the single life.

Theres no reason for you to leave the property. Make sure the kids are provided for.

I am sorry. She is taking the piss.

NameChangeNugget · 01/10/2019 10:20

People like her, make me very angry.

I totally agree with @Tilltheendoftheline

AnneKipanki · 01/10/2019 18:10

I do not think anyone knows how they will react until it happens to them I just hope Mikey has it sorted out for himself .

bigchris · 01/10/2019 18:18

@Mikey88 rewlly hope you're Ok and have managed to sort something xx

bigchris · 01/10/2019 18:19

I don't think we know enough to be angry at her namechange

She's got a full on job , she's just found out the father of her children is very ill, would be interesting to hear her side but hopefully things are better now

Original poster

Mikey88 · 01/10/2019 19:52

Hi annekipanci
Yeah I am doing ok still living at
Home but looking in to other options ‘I have started to do less which has been better for me ‘situation is mostly the same other than she now has a new partner ‘I am currently adjusting my will so all is left to my kids

OP posts:

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