Hi MN,
Suppose I should lay my stall out for this one.
I’ve been with my DP for almost 4 years. We got engaged in April, completed on a house this month and plan to get married in June next year. We have a wonderful relationship – he’s funny, kind, considerate and utterly dependable (he can be a bit of a misery guts sometimes but no-one’s perfect). I am so excited to be his wife.
I was previously married for a short time, which ended in 2011 (there is no interesting story here - I was young and married a man I didn't really love cos it was the done thing). I was in a bit of a mess following this, and unfortunately met the worst man in the world shortly after my marriage broke down. I was with him for 3 and a half years and we lived together for 2 (although he sponged off me and lived in my house for free the rest of the time). He was unfaithful, controlling, manipulative, narcissistic and abusive – financially, physically and mentally. I finally left him in early 2015, after a sudden surge of bravery and a concrete yet temporary place to live.
I told no-one about the abuse, and there are many people that still don’t know to this day. We’ve had no contact since I took my belongings from our shared home, save some 2am withheld number phone calls last year which stopped when I called him out.
ANYWAY… I don’t feel like I’ll ever get over the abuse that happened. I am petrified of seeing him around (it’s London, you always bump into people you don’t want to see). I’m petrified that a friend of DP will see him and kill him. I’m petrified he’ll try to get in contact. Mostly I’m petrified that I will feel like this for the rest of my life.
I’m in such a good place in my life – good job, good man, lovely home – but there will always be this black cloud hovering over me. I’m not good at talking about my feelings and I really don’t feel comfortable going for counselling.
Would be very interested to hear how others processed these feelings.
X