Scared of moving in

[lialiana]

Hi

So my partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. He's great, my kids love him, but I'm terrified of moving in with him. It makes a lot of sense for us to move in for practical and financial reasons, but also we actually get along better the more we're around each other. We do argue sometimes, but he's a good listener and genuinely tries to take on board anything I say if/when I get upset. I just can't bring myself to commit to moving in.

I think there's a few reasons for this. I have a long history of relationships that have ended by me being cheated on and/or there's been abuse. My mother has disowned me for reasons I don't really understand. My dad left without warning when I was young. And having kids with someone who I had to break up with because they made me so unhappy and that relationship really damaged what was left of my confidence. I also have in the back of my mind that telling the kids' dad that my partner is moving in will cause dramas with him and I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with that again (he kicked right off when I first started seeing someone new).

I've talked about all this with my partner but i really like we're going around in circles. How can I find the confidence to move in with him? My thoughts are so muddled, I need help sorting through them...

You don't have to move in together yet.
You don't sound ready.
Take this at your own pace.

Did you get counselling after your abusive relationships?
This will help you sort through your thoughts.

You do need to ignore your Ex and his dramas.
Does he have someone new?
Does he live with someone?

@hellsbellsmelons I think I feel like I'll never be ready, and that scares me.

I've had some CBT as that's all you can get on the NHS these days, but it doesn't really deal with past trauma so I can't say it helped me.

My ex does have someone new and that has chilled him out a bit. They don't live together but I think it should help him deal with this better than he's dealt with stuff in the past. I'm just naturally a very nervous person, I worry about how people will react to me all the time.

I think I do want to live with my DP, I just can't find the confidence to take the leap and I really don't know if it's like you say, I'm not ready yet, or if I'll just never be ready....

Have a chat with Womens Aid.
They can help you find specialist counsellors in your area.

You may never be ready but I think you should give yourself a break here.
You've had a lot of trauma to deal with.
Is he pushing to move in?
Or is he prepared to wait until you are ready?

Ok, I didn't know they could help with that. Thank you.

He's not really pushing, he just asks about it in a way that is reasonable for someone in a relationship that's supposed to be committed. I always put the brakes on at the last minute. I feel like I want to let him move in but something (fear) always stops me. I wish I could just find the confidence to give it a go. To accept that I'll never know if it can work unless I try and if it doesn't work then I'll deal with it. I know there are no guarantees in life and sometimes you just have to take a leap, I just don't know how I find the guts to take that leap!

I'm in my 40s now, and I think part of this is just a deep sense of shame that I've had so many failed relationships. I'm terrified of yet another relationship failing and I'm trying so hard to make it work that I'm overthinking and worrying about everything....

So is he moving in to your place or you to his? It’s not very clear.

If he’s moving in to yours, what is the setup? Do you own or rent? Can he continue to rent / keep his current house for a trial period so you’re reassured you can switch back quickly?

@PaterPower Sorry, you're right, it's not. We're both renting so he'd give up his place and move to mine. To be fair, he's at my place most nights every week anyway, he only stays at his 2-3 nights a week, so it's just the whole making it official and full time thing that's scaring the crap out of me.

Would you lose your single person council tax discount. Is he willing to pay the extra.

@Bananalanacake yes and he's willing to pay half the rent plus contribute to expenses

I’d suggest asking him to keep it on for another month but have him sleep at yours full time for that month. Only giving notice on his place when you’re both sure.

@PaterPower That's a good suggestion, thank you. It will also give my kids a proper chance to adjust and feel involved in the whole process as well.

In the meantime, I've ordered a book about dealing with abandonment issues as I've been reading about it and I tick a lot of the boxes for someone who has tonnes of them....