Should I leave

[Juliasrutherfor]

Please be gentle....so I’ve been with my OH for 6 years and we are married,we have two children age 8 and 2. He goes to the pub everynight,and even when I asked him to have one night off he won’t do it. There was another situation he was constantly upsetting me about...so I said I have a boundary about that...which he agreed to then continued to do it. He is very selfish,has no empathy and doesn’t shower for about a week at a time. It’s like he doesn’t care about anything. Could this be depression? Alcoholism runs in his family. He had a very very traumatic childhood. I feel like I’m alone in the marriage and basically like a single mother. I have tried so hard to work at the marriage when he hasn’t at all and doesn’t seem to be bothered. I have a nice life in terms of not having to worry about money,but I just think I’m seeing this other side to him...it’s like I don’t recognise who he is anymore and if I try to explain how I feel he rolls his eyes and sighs,he’s passive aggressive too...I feel like I have declined massively in relation to my self esteem and confidence and I can be say crying my eyes out and he doesn’t even flinch. Advice?

Every night at the pub? Not showering? Grim. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
And do you get time to yourself to pursue your interests?

So your self-esteem has deteriorated, you're essentially a single mother, he has proven he doesn't care about your important boundaries, is alcoholic.

He is very selfish,has no empathy and doesn’t shower for about a week at a time. It’s like he doesn’t care about anything. Could this be depression? Alcoholism runs in his family. He had a very very traumatic childhood.

Ah, this. He's emotionally numb, cares not when you cry, or even about you at all it seems. You need to make plans to leave, your child will grow up witnessing how he treats you and develop his/her boundaries as a result.

He cares, alright. He cares about himself. There are men, including myself, who've suffered severe depression (I am at the moment waiting therapy) but I still have my empathy and love towards my family. You'd have to kill me to remove them.

The exception is a severe mental/psychotic break. These are not pleasant, and you'd be well aware things were well below ok. People who only care about themselves, develop narcissistic traits, refuse help, refuse food, medication and can be very heated about thing. Develop violent outbursts. Have experienced this more than once as a child. Terrifying.

I had a very traumatic childhood. I don't treat other people, especially my darling, darling, partner with anything but love and respect at all times. If he's using it as an excuse he's martyring himself.

You need to realise that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Does he work btw? If so, it leads even more to not being any kind of psychosis.

SimplySteveResux - would it be ok to PM you?

He is a narcissist. It isn't mental illness, it us a personality disorder. Basically, he is such a total shit that there is a name for it.

Don't blame it on depression. Depression does not make people abusive.

Advice would be to learn all you can about narcissistic personality disorder. And leave him. Once you truly see what he is, you wont want to stay anyway. There is no good and bad him. Only the bad and the mask. And his mask has dropped.

Sure @Juliasrutherfor

Pinkbonbon it’s interesting you should mention that as I have looked into that and I wondered if he was a covert narcissist...he likes to get into arguments on social media and belittle people...and he fits a lot of the other criteria...

Do you earn most of the money? I'm wondering how he could earn a lot if he's not able to even have a shower.

He sounds horrible, tbh. I would leave him if I could afford to.

In don’t want to say what he does for a job in case my identity is revealed,self employed and job involves getting dusty etc everyday so it goes unnoticed...

Yeah there's a lot of indicators even in what u have told us here.

The whole thing where you tell him your boundary and he seems to agree but then walks all over it anyway is textbook narcissist.

1 in 10 people have a cluster b personality disorder apparently so its not like its that rare.

Don't make anymore excuses for him. He treats you shit because he is a shit.

Oh and also, if you saw someone you sobbing their eyes out, even if it was someone you couldn't stand, your heart would probably still go out to them at least a little right? He is so dead inside that he stares blankly at you, not giving a squat, when you, someone he is supposed to love, is crying. That's one cold, dead inside monster.

They aren't like you or I. And tet time and time again the normal human being in us, tries to empathise with them. We try to explain away their coldness, to look for excuses for it because we just cant quite believe they are so devoid of goodness. But they are. You cant fix toxic. But it can spread and poison you.

Narcissist? Really, you are basing that on the fact he is a selfish arsehole that only thinks about himself and doesn't care about his partner?

He's far more likely an alcoholic than a narcissist. Lacking empathy for his partner doesn't immediately make him a narcissist.

No,I'm basing it on various points the op has made.

But FYI not having empathy isn't normal. Of course there are some things that can cause people to SEEM like they don't have empathy (this doesn't sound like that though) And being an alcoholic can worsen narcissistic traits.

1 in 10 seems very, very high.

I found this online:
In This Article
Personality disorders can be confusing since many have similar or even overlapping characteristics. In order to better differentiate one from the next, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) grouped the various disorders into three clusters, each of which is characterized by a shared and distinctive personality feature.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 9.1 percent of Americans over 18 have at least one personality disorder.

Understanding Personality Disorders
Your personality is defined by how you think, behave, and feel. A personality disorder is not simply about thinking, feeling, or behaving differently than would be expected; It is a persistent deviation from cultural expectations that causes distress and makes it difficult to function.

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At its heart, a personality disorder characterized by an unhealthy and rigidity pattern of behavior that interferes with your ability to perceive or relate to situations or people, enjoy life, maintain meaningful relationships, and do well at school or work.

Classifying Cluster B Disorders
There are 10 specific types of personality disorders, which DSM-5 breaks into three clusters. Cluster A is defined as odd or eccentric behavior that affects 5.7 percent of adults. Cluster C personality disorders consist of fearful and anxious behaviors, affecting 6 percent of adults.

Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional, or unpredictable thinking or behaviors. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. These tend to be the least common but often most challenging to treat involving 2.7 percent of adults

Google puts it at 1% psychopath, 4% sociopath, 1% npd, 4% BPD. Makes 10% of the population as cluster Bs. Then again I guess some people could be more than one disorder so that could mean less ppl.

Plenty of professionals in the area put NPD alone at 1 in 10 - 1 in 20 of the population. Wouldn't be surprised if that was right.

Dr ramani durvasula on YouTube us quite interesting. She puts it at 1 in 10.

I suppose it depends where you get your stats from.

Personally I think there are far more selfish arseholes out there than narcissists. 1 per cent from your stats is a very low prevalence.

When someone doesn't care about their partner, or even resents them, it's very easy to not care about their feelings and treat them badly.

This guy is an alcoholic and clearly selfish. I wouldn't be classifying someone with a PD off the back of a short thread. But either way, this is a very unhealthy and unhappy relationship and I'd advise the OP to get out now. He's no intention of changing his ways, which means just more misery for you, op

Sorry, never heard of that Dr.

Its not really 1% though. Its just that sociopaths tend towards violence and borderlines can make...very extreme moves so tend to get noticed. Narcissists don't tend towards violence the same...or think there is anything wrong with them so don't seek therapy. So their numbers are under recorded.

But yeah definitely an asshole either way we can agree xD