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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a Mumsnet wisdom

21 replies

conflicted2029 · 31/07/2019 22:02

Please I need some words of wisdom .

I have known this man for five years now . We met on OLD and have been on a few dates although I said we can stay friends because I wasn't ready to trust again after my ex left me for OW. We have stayed in touch overtime but each time I find myself falling for him , I step back and bury everything and go NC . He is nice , kind and I find myself picking faults and justifying why I can't allow anything to happen between us.
Now my dilemma is he is invited me to go away with him on a city break to spend time together. I would love to go because I know we would have a great time but I am scared of letting myself trust him and get hurt.
How do I allow myself to trust again. Will I ever feel love and love again. When my ex left me , it shattered my self esteem and I am struggling to get it back .
I know there is no magic wand and it feels good to let it out .
I hope my posts makes sense.
Thank you for reading Smile

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 31/07/2019 22:44

It is scary letting yourself go in case you are hurt again but nothing ventured nothing gained! You wont find love unless you try to. You should go and have fun! Good luck!

TooTrueToBeGood · 31/07/2019 22:53

Has he done or said anything to make you suspect you can't trust him?

Heratnumber7 · 31/07/2019 23:04

Go, with your eyes open.
If you get hurt, you get hurt. You pick yourself up and start again.
If we never did anything for fear of getting hurt, life would be pretty boring.
He might just be the man of your dreams, but you'll never know if you don't give if a go.

Sally2791 · 31/07/2019 23:04

Go for it just for fun don’t worry too much about how serious or not it is and enjoy yourself

Original poster
conflicted2029 · 31/07/2019 23:10

@TooTrueToBeGood no he hasn't to be honest. Apart from the beginning when he told me he smoked only cigarettes and I could smell weed in his breath and I caught him looking at ladies when we were out for a meal once . I understand no one is perfect as I am no angel myself.
@Lozzerbmc thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
Original poster
conflicted2029 · 31/07/2019 23:15

@Sally2791 thank you @Heratnumber7 that's the thing though it takes me forever to get over relationships . I am not very good at dusting myself and starting again

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 31/07/2019 23:20

Has he had other girlfriends during the five years you've known him?

Original poster
conflicted2029 · 31/07/2019 23:23

@CherrySocks no as far as I know he's always been single

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 31/07/2019 23:25

I’d go but I’d also look into therapy for myself to explore my feelings about relationships. The freedom programme would also be useful
Best wishes to you

CherrySocks · 01/08/2019 00:01

Five years is quite a long time to have stayed friends. You obviously have an affinity with one another. Maybe don't think of it as trusting him with your heart and soul. Keep you heart and soul nicely wrapped up, and just spend time with him and see how it goes.

sunnydays78 · 01/08/2019 00:14

I was in a Very similar situation. But I knew I’d love to meet someone great. So you just have to put yourself out there. Yes you’re opening yourself up to get hurt but living with the what ifs would be worse for me.
Be firm with boundaries and things you won’t accept but equally be open because you could miss out on something wonderful x

Brain06626 · 01/08/2019 03:10

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EileenAlanna · 01/08/2019 04:00

Although you've known him for 5 years you've only been on a few dates. On 2 of those he's 1) lied to your face about smoking weed even though you could clearly smell it on his breath and 2) spent time checking out other women. You met him on OLD & I'd imagine that for the past 5 years that's what he's been doing - dating, not being celibate.
How far apart do you live? Are you close enough for regular dating or is it always going to be long-distance/occasional?
Everyone can come across as nice, funny, charming, kind etc etc online but in real life they can be a different kettle of fish altogether.
Five years is a long time to be hung up on one person you've actually only met a few times. If you go on the city break do it with eyes wide open, looking at & understanding what he does & says. To excuse worrying things he's already done as a not everyone's perfect, I'm no angel etc is doing yourself a disservice, not valuing yourself as you should. You don't deserve any old behaviour from a man, you're worth far, far more. Best wishes for whatever you decide.

VikVal · 01/08/2019 06:27

Mumsnet
Wisdom
Choose one 😄

TheStuffedPenguin · 01/08/2019 06:36

I would suggest he seems like a "safe" and distant relationship to you but really this is pie in the sky . Get some CBT to think about moving forward . Do you really want to live the rest of your life alone because of your wanker of an EX? Then get back on the apps and find a lovely man who will want to be with you and doesn't smoke weed and eye other women up .

Sadiesnakes · 01/08/2019 06:40

No, 2 massive red flags, a liar and nothing worse when on a date having him checking other women out, will erode your self esteem.

You can't trust him because he's a liar.

madcatladyforever · 01/08/2019 06:44

The love of my life whom I was with for 20 years utterly betrayed me and I am unable to trust anyone ever again and have decided never to date again, I'm just too tired to keep doing this, I'm 57.
If you are younger than me - or any age really then you need some counselling to try and sort this out and learn to live again.
I'm not having any because I just can't be bothered anymore and don't need a man for anything. I'd sooner just have a cat.
Work out what it is you really want, do you honestly want another relationship? Or do you just want to coast along on a casual basis?
If you don't know what you actually want you will not be able to move on. Personally I don't want or need anyone else.

newmomof1 · 01/08/2019 06:48

I'll be honest and say I don't think you should.

He's lied to you already and if it was going to happen, it would have by now.
He's alright for now but he's not your 'one'

pallasathena · 01/08/2019 06:58

I'd keep it as it is. A casual relationship with no strings attached. There's two red flags with the lying and the checking out of other women so he's not a 'keeper', is he?
I'd work on building up my confidence first.

Original poster
conflicted2029 · 01/08/2019 08:08

Morning everyone, thank you for your replies.
To answer a few questions, we live in the same town about 15 minutes drive apart . He's always been keen to meet up more but I have been making excuses. Tbh the lie and checking out other women was enough to put me off but I thought I would give him a chance.
I will look into counselling and therapy thank you for suggesting that . I am very early 30's and I do want a relationship as I don't want to end up alone.
Thank you for all your advice, you have opened my eyes Smile

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 01/08/2019 08:19

So he's lied to you, and you've regularly gone no contact with him then been friends again then gone no contact with him again and then been friends again and then gone no contact with him again and.....

Not looking great, really, is it?

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