Hi.
Feeling overwhelmed after a conversation with my ex, part way through a divorce.
So I’m not drip feeding, I’ll start with saying I was advised by a solicitor that I could apply for legal aid as his controlling behaviour amounts to domestic abuse. I didn’t want to do that - as he will find out I’ve got legal aid, work out why, and he will be furious. He is not violent but I am only just admitting to myself, and realising, how psychologically abusive he was and still is.
I have an apt with a womens charity soon, as they are going to provide me - and the children if necessary - with emotional support from this point. He tells them untrue things, and undermines my parenting.
The woman I spoke to on the way phone said that all of his behaviours are typical and are ways of trying to keep power and control.
I have paid our mortgage myself every month since we separated three years ago, and all the bills. He is absolutely furious that I am still in “his” house (his parents put in the deposit but I’ve been told by a solicitor that isn’t relevant)
I was a stay at home mum to 4 DC for 5 years before we split. He was financially abusive but I didn’t know that.
I got a part time admin job as soon as we split up. He does not cover sick days, inset days, attend school events or have the children in the school holidays (he sometimes has a few days or a week but would not let me know in advance so I could arrange things, and he sometimes cancels without much notice).
He has the 3 youngest children every other weekend and on a wed evening, the eldest is with me full time as he refused to stay at his dad’s. He pays me £3 a week more than the CSA rate for the children (but tells other people that he pays a “ridiculous” amount). He has never paid money to me for anything.
Even working three days was tough as my twins were only 3 and were ill a lot from being at nursery, so I had so much sick leave I was put on a trigger at work.
I then did a PGCE full time in this last year , partly so I can be with them in the holidays, and have just finished and got a part time teaching job.
He has stalled on the divorce (telling our young children that I hadn’t signed the divorce papers when, in fact, he had them for four months and hadn’t signed!).
To cut a long story short, he announced to me at handover earlier (I have them until 5pm on ‘his’ day in the holidays) that we are going to mediation to make things fair and that I should be working full time as other women he knows do, and there is no reason I can’t.
He wants me to buy him out of the house and I think it is connected to that, I can’t afford to. It is the only asset we have, with a fair bit of equity in it. He is renting, with his girlfriend.
I cannot see for a moment how I could cope full time - When I say he won’t cover sickness, accidents at school etc, I mean that he won’t even answer the phone.
When the kids get ill, usually the three youngest get it one after the other - and then I get ill too! It will be hard enough part time, plus there are all the early morning drop offs, pick ups and the cost or childcare too. Plus the impact on the children, I am pretty tired and stressed as it is and they don’t want to be at after school club until 5.30 every day.
I am hoping to work full time when they are at secondary and don’t need breakfast club etc.
He says his solicitor says there is no reason why I shouldn’t work part time. He is a liar and I shouldn’t have engaged in the conversation or let him get to me, I know, but I am going to be awake worrying about this now.
I want what is best for children and always has. The best bit is, he comes across as “such a nice guy” to everyone else, and convinces everyone I am the unreasonable one. And after a conversation with him, I start to think that maybe I am too; he always seems so sure of himself.
He used to threaten to go for custody of the children. Eventually I called his bluff, and I haven’t heard that one for a while. Now it’s all about the house or how much I work.